I have been tired the last two days, perhaps even a little under the weather, though no doubt also recuperating from the emotional intensity of last week and weekend. Even though everything landed so very well, the process of getting there was exhausting. I’m fine, just needing some rest.
I’ve been writing things but not finishing them, my mind getting foggy in too short a time. I probably will feel better tomorrow or Friday and finish a half dozen posts all at once.
It will now be Saturday when Amanda and I drive to Denver to scout the office park and office space, but more to find a house for us to live in.
Amanda is fiercely anti-sentimental except for times with me in bed. And she is determinedly unconventional. She will not like the appearance or feel of “newlyweds” purchasing their first house together. And so I expect the hunt for a house will bring out the domme in her, and she will put my slavery on some display, or at least, in the story to real estate agents, reduce me to a business assistant who will temporarily be staying with her. That might be the best scenario for me to expect.
I have been thinking this week about how much a mystery Amanda is to me. The more I know her — and as intimately as I know her — she confounds and mesmerizes me. I like that she is a mystery, and I don’t want to demystify her. But that doesn’t stop me from wondering things.
At one point earlier in her life Amanda was a switch. In fact, when I was acquired and taken by them, the understanding was that she easily alternated between domme and sub. I assumed there would be times when Master K would dominate Amanda and me both, together. But that has never happened. Now, in retrospect, it seems all the more delicious a thought, a fantasy of a kind.
Truth is, I don’t understand someone who is both dom and sub, how you can really do that. Which is not a judgment, just the myopic view from down the rabbit hole of my utter submissiveness. I don’t really understand dominance in the first place, except in a sort of abstract reversal of what I am. Switching between both dom and sub is a strangeness I cannot fathom. (I welcome someone else, a switch, to enlighten me.)
In any case, it would seem Amanda has left behind whatever submissive interest she may have once had. I asked her once about it, and she just said, “That isn’t me.” Which is fair enough, her version of what I told her is “my truth.” She went through an experimentation and found it wasn’t her truth. But I still wonder how and why she experienced the submissive state in the first place.
Whatever submissive experiences she once had probably informs her dominance of me. I’d like to know more about that.
The other thing is her sexual orientation. That she is lesbian is not some closeted secret: Amanda has come out to everyone in her world. As everyone reading this knows, in public she and I are obvious.
Amanda is not a secret, but she is a mystery.
At one point she had been bisexual, including sexual relationships with men some years ago and then between Amanda and Kevin. But their relationship has distanced, along with her shift away from submissiveness. Perhaps the two are related.
In a general sense, I am not surprised by the fluidity of sexuality. I have gone through a process myself, from a time I would have considered myself fully heterosexual, to my status now as bisexual. And I think my sexuality is very wrapped up in my submissiveness, as I have written about often. I know that people shift and flow, even back and forth, in more ways than we might ever imagine.
In the specific reality of Amanda, though, I am surprised, as I had come to believe early on that she was actually more attracted to men than women. And part of the mystery is that this fluidity for her has seemed to happen with me here, before my eyes, although I guess I haven’t really been paying attention.
Again, all of this is fine, of course, not a matter of consequence or judgment. But it comes to bear on my future with Amanda because of this: She considers herself to be a lesbian and me to be bisexual. And so she believes that I have a need, a submissive need, for men. Sometimes.
Kevin (now “Kevin” to me, which I’ll write more about) will be a more limited part of my life, once we move to Denver, details still being worked out. (He hasn’t seemed to know that yet this week, which is another reason I’m tired.)
Just saying, I think there’s a script here still being written.