It’s the end of a fairly horrible week, but I am trying to be optimistic about moving on.
After my punishment, Mistress had stopped talking to me, though yesterday she broke her silence, sort of. She is still cool toward me, but I’m hoping I can restore myself in her graces. On Saturdays we sometimes go to the old cafe together, but I’m guessing that’s out for tomorrow. I can only hope that over time she might warm to me again.
Master K stayed away from me all week. I think he was respecting Amanda’s disciplinary process. I learned later he originally intended another practice session with me and another day with him at work. I regret that my mess disrupted his plans, but I’ve been a little bit relieved I didn’t need to accommodate such things while going through everything else with Mistress.
Since my punishment, I’ve been extra-diligent in doing my chores, and overly solicitous in seeking ways I can serve Master and Mistress. Normally I’m a dutiful enough slave in that way, I think, but the last couple of days I’ve been bending over backward to seek ways of helping, assisting, fetching, and serving. In fact, I think my perky eagerness is actually annoying to Mistress, but I just want both of them to know I am committed to them, to serving, and to being here.
This morning I got up early again with some thoughts in my head. Mostly in the category of “lessons learned,” although there are some general observations as well.
1. We tend to see ourselves in terms of mercy and view others in terms of justice. I long for Mistress Amanda’s presence and warmth once again. I want her forgiveness and her restored presence (mercy). Having served my punishment, I feel like she should (justice) let it go and let us be together again. But she has every right to her own process and timetable. I violated her trust, and she may talk a long time, or forever, to trust me again.
2. Our punishment does not make right the effects of our violation. My mess altered Master’s plans for me. It disrupted Amanda’s life in ways I do not know. While I have paid my price, it doesn’t rectify everything else or undo how it has been an imposition on their lives.
3. And my punishment continues for me — in the form of Mistress Amanda’s distance from me. Also in future public recognition of what I did and how I paid for it. I dread that.
4. No one is perfect, and it is inevitable over the course of time a submissive will err or mis-step in service or behavior. We slaves are people too, and we live in relationship to others. Just living in the same house with others prompts emotions and frustrations, and then behaviors that are unacceptable. I may be someone’s property, but I’m a woman too, and I have feelings and emotions I need to express. Sometimes they will be expressed inappropriately. But just because failures are bound to happen doesn’t make them excusable. They still need to be punished and corrected. I accept this.
5. I know in some circles (BDSM, not so much true slavery), a submissive will intentionally misbehave in order to trigger a punishment, which both sub and dom enjoy. I hope it’s clear this was not such a situation, and I don’t do that. It really isn’t tolerated in true slavery.
6. I think I have been aware from the beginning that while my my misbehavior was a violation, it wasn’t fatal. Not to diminish it, but it was not cause for termination, as it was with Master Michael — my transgression that sent me away from him and brought me here. However, that experience was very present in my mind through this, and my episode this week scared me because I am so aware of what happened a few months ago.
7. Mistress Amanda has known me for only two months, yet it’s is crazy how well she understands me. She knew exactly what kind and process of punishment would be effective with me, and she used my own mind to punish myself.
Anyway, for what they’re worth — these are the afterthoughts of one very contrite slave.