what I feel

I didn’t know when I started this blog what it would mean to me or how it would affect me. I do now.

It is an intense experience for me to post things here. I have to say, it is both emotional and sexual. I haven’t talked about this, drawn attention to it. But I know people are reading, and in a real way, watching. Watching me in my slavery and my nudity and my daily submission and my failures and my humiliation and my punishment and my penance and my sex. You see me in all of this. It is very public. And personal.

And I feel every bit of that. It pushes my submissive and sexual buttons.

When I was with Master Michael, he would know when I had posted something or had gotten an email from a follower or watcher. He could tell. Not that it was so hard to detect — I was often naked around him and he could see my body, my flush and arousal.

Mistress Amanda has noticed too. She calls it my “zone.” “You’ve been in the zone, haven’t you?” she asks. It’s more of an observation about my writing here, online, exposed to so many. She approves.

In fact, they both have encouraged my writing, but especially my posting on here, online. They both know it exposes me, it becomes part of my public humiliation. They approve of how it affects me. It has become part of my submissive experience, my servitude, in a way.

So I write knowing a lot of people watch.

I don’t think it affects what I write or how I write it. I am aware of those of you who watch, but I am writing from my core, my heart, my mind. Usually, I write what’s current, what’s in my sphere of what’s present to my being, and my writing is about that. But by the end when I push the button “Publish,” I know I am standing naked, physically and sexually, before a lot of people, saying, “This is me,” and hoping for some understanding and approval. Or judgment.

Some of it has been judgment but most has been encouraging. Thank you.

Here, I can only share myself, report on what’s happening in my slave life. And I can try to express what the slave life and the submissive gene is all about.

As soon as I figure that out myself.

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