writing about slavery and sex

I frequently get specific questions on writing about my life, in particular about sex and how I am used in sexual situations. Some of this I have addressed in posts before, but is time for a reprise. Still, many of these questions are new.

Does it embarrass you to write explicitly about yourself as a slave and about being used sexually?

Yes, it does. I have moments where I think about who is reading this, that some are in my public life whom I will see in the next week or so. I am also aware there are likely some who know me personally but I don’t know they are reading me here.
So it is something of an exercise in self-humiliation.

If so, why do you do it?

I had always written a paper journal, going back to my pre-teen years. At a point in my slave life, my Master (Michael) had me start writing some things to post online. This became a blog online, and then, after a break from writing, I started this WordPress blog. It’s been encouraged and sanctioned by Mistress Amanda.

I believe my owners have genuinely wanted to support my writing and have me share it with others. But I also think they have seen it as an aspect of my slavery, a process of revealing me to friends and strangers.

I remember the first time I wrote about myself having sex. My words were awkward and self-conscious. I couldn’t quite bear to reveal that part of myself on (then) paper, couldn’t allow the words to exist in a physical form. I trashed that piece and several after. But over time, I managed to live with some of what I had written. And now it flows more naturally, though not always more easily. In a way, writing about sex became a kind of therapy for me, a recovery from my conservative upbringing. In another way, it was a part of my submissive journey, opening me to be presented through words in a public form.

I have come to believe that sex is wondrous and beautiful. But also it is, for most people, private and intimate and personal. So sharing, in words, about my being used for sex is a form of allowing myself to be watched publicly, and often it’s impersonal and not so intimate — so it violates social norms. Which is also the nature of submission and slavery. That’s where the embarrassment and humiliation come in.

But humiliation is necessary part of my daily slave life, a constant requirement of me. It is a mystery how humiliation works in the submissive soul — how it is hard and degrading yet pleasurable. But so it is. I accept and absorb the embarrassment of being viewed and watched and enjoyed by others through my blog writing. This is difficult for me even as it pleasures me. That’s the nature of D/s life.

By writing about people having sex with you, are you an exhibitionist?

No, I am not an exhibitionist. I do not get any specific satisfaction from being exposed publicly, online or in public life. I would never reveal myself in public on my own. However — again the mystery — it pleasures me to submit to being exposed, which as you know from reading my blog, happens quite a bit. But that satisfaction comes from my submission, not from some pleasure in exhibiting.

For me as an extreme submissive and slave, I live life desiring to be accepted and considered “normal,” even though my sub nature and my lifestyle are usually looked down on and judged by people in vanilla life. The exhibition and public presentation of me as a sex slave is not an easy thing for me.

When someone is having sex with you, are you thinking about how you will write it?

God, no!

Actually, one of the most important things in slavery is to remain present in the moment. The danger is dissociating, letting your mind focus on something else completely and abandoning and numbing your body to the uses required. It’s important to remain in the moment, present with the other person or other people.

But beyond that, I think there is, even in slave sex that is often on-demand or “forced” or bondaged, a relationship going on, and I truly want to experience the other person and how he or she is enjoying me.

What have you learned about writing about yourself sexually?

I’ve learned that not only is it impossible to capture all I experienced, but doing so even if I could, would not be enjoyable to read. So I try to remember the primary feelings I had and to identify the primary “dynamic” in play with the other person — rough, teasing, romantic, forceful, humiliating, etc.

I’ve learned that the physical actions of sex that are so arousing and stimulating to me in the experience, are mostly boring to read about. Instead what is more interesting, but also true to the experience, is my response and feeling about myself in the moment.

I’ve learned that it’s important to stay true to what happened. There is a tendency to over-dramatize it. Sometimes it is dramatic, but many times it is not so much. As I’ve written before, I don’t always orgasm. And you can’t show that you did if you didn’t.

You have mentioned the colleagues at Amanda’s workplace. You’ve spent time with them, worked alongside them. And you’ve said they read your blog. How is it with them, knowing they’ve read your experiences having sex?

Well, at first, this was challenging to me, which is reflected in my blog posts earlier in the year. I hadn’t before had much of that public connection to people reading my blog, and it was embarrassing to me.

In meeting them at first, being introduced to them bluntly as “Amanda’s slave,” it was humiliating. But that’s the normal course of slave life. It became more of a challenge for me as I learned they were starting to read my blog.

So, I’ve gone through a process of dealing with that. They have had questions for me about my slave life, and I’ve had conversations with some of them about submission and D/s and the struggle women face in society and so on. And at times they have teased me, in good nature, about something or other that I’ve written about. I’ve taken the teasing as a good sign of acceptance by them. They have been generous in receiving me into their circle and friendship.

Aside from the workplace colleagues, have you ever met people in person who follow your blog? That is, someone whose only connection to you is through your blog? If so, what was that like?

Yes, I have met in person two people who know me only through my blog online. One was a man who lives close by. Another is a sister slave in the Denver area.

In both cases, the meetings were short, over coffee, Amanda present. (I need to make it clear that these meet-and-greet connections have been selected and chaperoned entirely by Mistress Amanda. I don’t decide these things.)

The meeting with the man went well. He had a lot of questions. He was not really dom or sub himself, just a fan. I think he was at first a little nervous in meeting me. Likewise, I was nervous too, as that was the first of these experiences for me. Mostly he was just curious about me. It was a pleasant time.

Jeniffer is a college student and submissive (I have permission to use her name). Again over coffee, and again a lot of questions, mostly about how you know what your submissiveness means for your life and lifestyle. Jen had a few questions for Amanda as well, but I think Amanda recognized she was a bit intimidated by her being there, so Amanda left us alone for a while. We will probably see Jen some more after our move there.

Have you ever had sex with someone who is one of your blog readers?

No, I have not had sex with someone who has been a follower of me online. I suppose the follow-up question is whether that could happen sometime. I really can’t answer that one way or other. That’s Amanda’s decision.

If you were provided to me for a sex session, would you write about it?

(Ahh, so that’s where this is going.) Well, first, I don’t think it’s very likely to happen. But if it did, I would write about it only if I had your permission first, and then only if it was with the go-ahead from Mistress Amanda.

Is writing from your life experiences similar to writing fiction? How are they alike?

A lot of writing is finding the right words and style to express experience, whether that is real life or story. Of course, fiction requires you to come up with the events and characters and detail. Real life is there in front of you.

But both real life and fiction require you to establish a sense of believability and reality. Just because something really happened to me doesn’t mean it will be believable to a reader. I have to work to establish the reality of my life in my blog writing much like the reality of the worlds I write about in my fiction.

Also, blog writing, for me anyway, is a regular, almost daily exercise. I don’t — and can’t — take endless hours to rewrite my blog posts over and over in multiple drafts, to perfect what I post. So, writing my life is messy, imperfect, and sometimes just kind of awkward in one way or other.

Fiction usually is something I labor over more, take time to rewrite and massage, and try to bring to a higher level. Sill, when I post my fiction, I consider it maybe a second or third draft, not quite so polished yet as if I were having it published.

Have you published any of your writing? Have you thought about it?

No, I have not published anything. And, well, sure, I’ve thought about it, but I haven’t really considered it seriously. Not at this stage of my life. And given what my life is, what my daily life requires of me, I can’t focus on that now.

How much time do you spend writing your life experiences in your blog versus writing fiction?

Writing my blog is about three-quarters of my writing time. I go to fiction writing when I have a bit more time or have less to write about from my daily life. I’d like to spend more time writing overall and more time in fiction. But I have this day job that requires me to serve others. 🙂

4 thoughts on “writing about slavery and sex

  1. You have a wonderful way with words.

    Finding new and interesting blogs to read, for me, is challenging not just because so many topics are similar and thereby not particularly interesting or captivating, but because so many people do not truly know how to write engaging, non-judgemental, different, or unconventional blog posts. You do that, and I enjoy reading you, despite your life style being foreign to me. I also think writing is therapeutic and a form of catharsis and would encourage anyone to do the same if they have or had a need to process things they’ve experienced in life.

    I understand the ‘writing and re-writing’ part of it so well. I am also fascinated by how, and why, you write as you, and not under a pen name. Having said that, you sort of addressed this question here in this post – it’s part of your personality, the need and want for it to be, or feel like, humiliation (if I’m understanding this correctly).

    Either way, you are a talented writer.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Cassandra, thank you so much. You made my day! And thanks for engaging with me even though my lifestyle is different. That means a lot to me…. So, my slavery, under a former Master and now under Mistress Amanda, has been defined to be open and public. Part of the lifestyle, as they wish it for me, is not to hide it and keep it secret nor io separate my lifestyle from who I truly am. The idea has been authenticity, and that starts with using my real name and identity. While this has been challenging to me, it is true to what I am. This life isn’t just a role I play but what and who I am… Long answer to why no pseudonym!… So, yes, you got that right — it is my personality and the way I’m wired…. Again, thanks for the beautiful comment.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. WOW You are so real and i agree with Cassandra about your writing style. You are a wonderful wordsmith and even though i am not in a committed relationship right now. i feel as some of your inner feelings about submission and slavery align very closely to mine.
    Love how you have a day job to serve others. i was a Manager and believed my job was to serve my employees as well as my bosses.
    Thanks for writing and Thank Amanda for allowing you to write about your experiences and life style choices.

    Liked by 1 person

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