I’ve known Kevin mostly in the biblical sense, as they say, and not much in any other way. Whereas Amanda had designs on me from the beginning that have gone beyond slavery and sex, Kevin always has related to me only through, literally, physical connection — his cock inside me. As a result, I know his sexual cycles and responses and throbs better than anyone on the planet, but I don’t really have much of a clue who this man is.
Slave sex is different (at least as Kevin conducts it) in that it is not the intimacy of a bed and pillow talk. I don’t imagine he is much for that anyway, but it is a way that a woman learns about a man, in the quiet after-entanglement of bodies under sheets, and things said, things shared, things confessed. I have not had that with him.
Which is not meant as a regret. He has always used me as his sex slave, and to an extreme submissive like me that is a beautiful thing. It’s the life I’ve given myself to have with him or with others who dom me. And he has made the most of that, taking me, claiming my body. It’s been utterly satisfying in its very carnality and humiliation.
But it doesn’t provide a girl a knowledge of who the man is.
I’m not quite sure what I’m writing about here, and maybe I’m rambling, but I’ve been trying to capture for my own understanding who Kevin actually is. My attempts at “writing him” haven’t gone well so far. As I’ve said before, the man of few words is hard to describe in words. This is another attempt, I guess. I also think this is about my new relationship with Kevin that is to be as his “companion” when I still don’t really know him. No complaints, but normal people go on a first date before having eight months of sex.
Well, I will contradict myself: I do think that D/s sex has revealed a few things about Kevin. There is something in the way Kevin handles me. His hands on my hips, he could throw me across a room, his power latent and coiled within him, but he doesn’t, though still maneuvering me into positions he wants with forceful strength. To a sub like me, it is the best kind of manhandling: he roughs me yet protects me. It’s as though I am a piece of construction lumber, a redheaded hardwood, cherry, for fit and finish, which he pounds into place, yet carefully so as not to gouge or mar. It’s not tenderness — I would never use that word to describe him — but it’s an understanding he has about the properties and uses of the materials — wood or flesh — he has before him.
This matters only in the sense that I feel safe with him even as he puts me, literally, into place. He could hurt me, but doesn’t. Never has. And this feeling of safety carries over from the bondage room into the living room. We are not yet comfortable about we who we are to each other in the living room, but there too I feel safe in his presence.
His dominance is deeper than he lets on. I just sense he has caverns within him of dominant desires that are unexplored or otherwise held in check. I also think he does not see me as the one to fulfill those desires. I am to him (I believe) a kind of “maintenance slave,” a submissive he uses to attend to his daily needs. Those needs are dominant more than sexual. Dominance is experienced by him most effectively through his use of me for sex. When he has me give him a blowjob, his satisfaction is mostly in the visual of me on my knees before him, obeying and being his sexual pleasure.
I accept this subjugation and sexual objectification, and Kevin values that I give myself to it. I can sense his appreciation for my submission. This is another subject to write about, but I think in good D/s there is a kind of respect a dominant has for the very submissive he his degrading. My only point here is that this is to me a notable trait of Kevin. His may still be an appreciation of me as a good piece of lumber to be worked with, but it’s nonetheless a positive attribute in him.
I do have some other experiences of who Kevin is. On a few occasions he’s taken me to his work. I don’t think he’s done so as a means for me to know him, but these times have helped that way. A former construction worker, Kevin formed his own successful business and these days manages a lot of people. He is an important person in his industry, but he started out in the jobs his people are currently doing. I’ve seen how they respect him for that.
I have observed him at home in the evenings. From that it’s clear Kevin is a rather extreme introvert. His work days, so filled with people, exhaust him. He comes home mentally tired. He may be somewhat trapped in a life of his own making. Since his former physical work in construction has become desk work in the executive suite, he has a pent-up need to expend physical effort when he gets home. So in the evenings he doesn’t want to talk. He longs to disengage his mind and work with his hands. I know that “work with his hands” means two things to him — his truck and me. He escapes under the body of his Ford and inside the body of his Shae.
In my new reality in Kevin’s life — companion aka escort aka pretty woman — I might hope to “learn Kevin” more than I know him now. I guess I want to know more of who he is because I want to be something to him. That isn’t a romantic urge. As a submissive, my nature is to serve. I am just hoping maybe I can serve a “higher” level of Kevin in some way.
Now Amanda will scoff at me writing that. And she is right, I need men — she would correct even that, saying I need sex with men — and so I will be that for Kevin. I have no illusion that this arrangement is mostly about fulfilling Kevin’s sexual needs and my need for sex with men as well. (So, Amanda, is that better?)
To be clear: I will gladly share Kevin with his Ford 350. But I would still like to “learn Kevin.” And perhaps be something more to him than a nice piece of cherry.