There’s not much of my private life that isn’t by now public, thanks to this blog. And that includes my sexual life, which I often share — to the point that I think you followers are actually there sitting in chairs watching at times.
But I was asked recently in an email what sexual fantasies I have that are still somewhat secret and unknown to others. Would I be willing to share those?
In fact, I haven’t written much about my sexual fantasies. I do have them, despite my whole life sort of being a set of fantasies lived out. I think my fiction — my erotic fiction — often tells my fantasies through other characters.
But there are two fantasies I have that I’ll reveal here, albeit with a bit of shy reluctance.
One of my forbidden fantasies is the experience of being with multiple men at the same time.
In a way I feel it goes against a lot of what I believe in. Even in slavery, even as I am objectified and humiliated, my purpose is to focus entirely on my dominant and do everything to please him/her. It’s a singular focus upon one dominant person. He or she may be using me my body for sex, making me functional for their sexual release, yet in my sexual responses I strive to make love to him or her. I take some pride in that focus, and for me it’s a way of making my slavery meaningful.
And yet I do fantasize about being in situations with multiple men. What is this about? What inside me longs for this? I don’t know. At this point, it’s with men, not women, for some reason. The number of men changes in my imaginings.
One version falls into the category of what I imagine to be a gang bang — a group of men in a room using me randomly in a kind of serial intercourse. They are all strangers to me. This actually scares me in a way at the same time I yearn for it. It’s for me more of a submissive longing, a desire to be immersed submissively in a situation with men who overwhelm me. In some imaginings, I am tied down on a table.
The other version is with three men who are having me in bed. This is more personal, and it’s more of a sexual, less of a submissive, fantasy, although there is a sense I am submitting to each of them. These would be three men I already know in some way in real life (though my fantasy hasn’t visualized them yet), and the tone and feel of it is that they are making love to me. In this, I imagine myself focusing on each one in turn, although they are all having me at the same time.
I have started to make this into a fiction piece in which I am a slave to all three men, and shared by them equally.
The other fantasy is one I have mentioned before, and I think I even posted a fiction piece on it once. Yet I don’t talk about it very often. Maybe that’s because I think Amanda is very capable of making it happen.
This second fantasy is about my being spanked in a public place.
Now, being spanked in itself is not the point. I have been spanked in the course of bondage sex. I’ve been swatted across the ass by dominants just for fun. Amanda flogs me sometimes, of course — not spanking, but similar, and she sometimes mixes the flogger with spanks from her bare hand. But none of this is quite the same thing as that which I fantasize about.
It’s also not about punishment. In my slavery, I have been spanked as a punishment for doing wrong. That is, in its own right, a major experience for me, profound, deep, difficult, worthy of discussion sometime. But again, that’s not the thing that I’m fantasizing about here.
What I imagine is in a public, social place. I imagine a restaurant or cafe or bar. My dominant — in recent versions it’s Amanda, of course, but I’ve also imagined this with male doms — suddenly orders me to stand, lift up or take off my skirt, and lay across her lap, bare ass up. I do so, in this public place. Others turn and start watching. She takes her open hand to my ass, spanking me time and time again.
It is not a punishment. It’s just something Amanda wants to do. It is a kind of demonstration of me. It certainly is intended as a humiliation and accomplishes that deeply.
Eventually she is done, and I sit once again, now gingerly, in my seat. I have to absorb the stares and comments and chatter that follows.
I have, as we all do, many fantasies of different kinds, but these two have been the most private, and mostly I’ve kept them secret. I think there is some shame attached to each, which makes them more personal. But I don’t know of experiences earlier in my life that might trigger these. In other words, these aren’t derived from trauma experiences that I’m aware of.
And again, I desire these scenarios, which is what makes them fantasies, but at the same time, they are challenging to me.