I drive back today, in a few hours. Kevin is out early, helping a friend with his truck, but will be back soon. I asked him when I should leave, and he said he “wants some time with me before I go,” but then was cute in trying to tell me he wants to “watch football at a friend’s house at eleven and so….” the implication being that I need to vamoose by then. He’s had me, had me all week, and now he wants his life back. I find that amusing, and understandable.
I think he has been negotiating his relationship with me. Not negotiating with me as much as negotiating with himself, figuring out who he wants to be with me, how he wants to be with me. Last time it was like dating, a kind of woo-and-romance thing. This time it was sex-forward, impulsive and sometimes forceful, sudden and rough-edged.
I imagine it must be something for a man to have a woman like me — which I mean only in the sense of a man having a woman with whom he can do anything he wants. I don’t know, for I do not claim to understand men, but just on the face of it, I would think it is a giddy feeling to have access and permission without responsibility of relationship.
I am free of charge for him, available on demand. He says the word, gives a look, takes my hand, and I am open for him, willing and wet. I am so fucking easy. He has to be thinking that I am some dream girl, not that I am so great in bed, but that I am in his bed as he wishes, when he wishes. All of this without strings or attachments of relationship. That has to be some kind of feeling when it’s real like this.
But it’s a funny thing when a man has you for sex repeatedly over time — relationship happens. The cost of having a girl available is that in being available, she’s around all the time. Kevin and I are living together and, well, sleeping together sometimes. All of that requires understandings and conversations and sensitivities. Which is relationship. Maybe that’s what Kevin is working out now. What this weird, damn thing is.
I kind of think when Kevin had me at the start of this arrangement he thought of me as a commodity, as a sexual service, as what an escort offers. And that was fine with me, what I had expected too. In the end, it might be best like that. But the third and fourth time doing this with me, perhaps he is realizing there is a relationship of necessity. Maybe he is trying to figure out what this is — what he is with me.
I am very fine with however he wants it to be, and it is not an offense to me when he circles around cutely with words to tell me that he would rather watch football than have another hour with me. I am not his wife or his girlfriend. He has no responsibility to me that way. He has his life.
I don’t think he knows how much I already understand and accept this. As his escort (and submissive that I am), I just need him to tell me what he wants to do, with or without me.
I am always better when I follow orders.
4 thoughts on “morning musing”
I’m recalling some earlier posts when you first started out with K and A, and after some sessions in the bondage room, you made some small remarks about how it might be nice if you could ‘put your arms around him’ while he was fucking you, or being ‘invited into his bed’. That, at the time, was besides the point. The point was the bondage room (or so I understand it).
Now, you’re in his bed and you’re sometimes having missionary sex. I mean…it just seems so completely different from what I expected to read about when A sent you to spend time with K. I expected heavy duty bondage scenes, almost as if to make up for all the times you were absent.
Instead, as you describe here, it’s more relationship-y. And it surprises me to read that A is against K using the bondage room with you. I thought that she would almost insist on that, rather than have you in his bed.
All in all, a very candid and transparent, as well as introspective account of your alternative lifestyle.
Interesting how the dynamics change, isn’t it. As always, I enjoyed reading along.
LikeLiked by 3 people
cassandra, I wrote about this a long time ago, but even then my understanding was limited, as it is now. I think I might write on it again — the history of Amanda and Kevin, or as much as I know about it, and the decisions that were made. when they split, I was never really clear about what this arrangement was or why, so some of your questions are my questions too… when Amanda took me just for herself, though, she wanted to have me exclusively. the arrangement with Kevin became part of their division of things, and it was then made vanilla — agreed to by them both… I do know Amanda wants me to have the experience of being shared sexually with others. Kevin is sort of a training of me in that way… Again, I may write about this in a new blog post.
LikeLiked by 1 person
very interesting and yes as a man i would find somewhat unique to have a woman like you. A wonderful time non the less.. i understand your submissiveness and desire to be lead to please both.
i enjoy your blog and writings Thank you for sharing
LikeLiked by 2 people
thank you, sindee. very kind. you know all sides of this, both the male impression of having a woman, but also the submissive feminine experience of being that woman. I think it’s one of the special dynamics of alternative relationships, in which things are not necessarily politically correct. there are experiences that cannot be had in any other way.
LikeLiked by 1 person