two questions

If you weren’t with Amanda, would you still choose to be in D/s and serve someone else as their slave?

That’s harder to answer that it might seem.

If I have learned anything in my years of 24/7 slavery, it is how deep my submissiveness actually is and how much I crave the experience of being dominated. It goes far beyond the usual trappings of D/s. There are times, Amanda would tell you, when I am so extremely desperate in my submissiveness that I am in tears, begging her for her extreme dominance. It isn’t about pleading for her to tie me up or to whip me, not the usual D/s trappings, but a deeper thing about constraining me mentally and psychologically and emotionally. I sometimes get to that level of need, and I can fall apart without a dominant’s emotional control and restraint of me.

In my years before entering D/s life, I was in the business world, real estate. While I’d become modestly successful, in my last two years I was starting to decline, losing interest in my work and career, but also beginning to feel these depths of my submissive craving. I was profoundly unhappy and quite a mess. It was because of my submissive need.

So, remembering that, the thought of re-entering vanilla life is not attractive to me, and I don’t have any particular illusions that I could survive very well outside of a D/s life.

The difficulty comes more with the notion of starting over — being new to a different dom, learning from that person what he/she would want and prefer.

The truth is that in a D/s relationship, as you the submissive are learning and being trained into a new servitude, your dominant is likewise learning you and your dimensions emotionally and physically. This mutual learning is like any relationship, except it has the complexities of dominance and submission. It takes time. A lot of time.

Four Amanda and me it’s been almost two years, and I think it’s taken most of that time for me to learn her and what she expects from me.

So the thought of starting over is hard to swallow.

The other consideration is one of meaning: what I want my life to be about. At the end of my life, what would I look back on and say I actually accomplished? Amanda and I have discussed this a lot, for her and for me.

She is a businesswoman, a damn good one. She happens also to live this alternative life as a domme and dominatrix. She is comfortable in that, being known for that, and takes pride in all of it.

The greater question is me. Do I want to look back on my life at some future time and say that my primary accomplishment was in being a sex slave? I might say that I was “a damn good one,” but does that count for anything? In fact, between Amanda and me, yes, there is much accomplishment in that. But in terms of others, the world, the public, it carries different and lower assessments, obviously.

Of course, many people spend their lives in the service of others. Doctors and nurses and therapists and hospice workers, to name a few. At the end of those careers, it’s not that they created something or built something, but they served a lot of lives and made life better for many.

I know I am perceived differently, but in a way, I do the same. I make life better for Amanda, and sometimes for others, yes, in sexual ways, but better nonetheless. I bring pleasure to people by offering myself as pleasure.

These are the things I think about. And sometime ramble about, as I am doing here.

Perhaps my saving grace is my writing. In my writing I am creating something new. I’m not referring here to my blog writing but my fiction writing. Perhaps at some point, I will finish my current novel, and even write others. And perhaps those will get published some way, somehow. And maybe I’ll be interviewed and become a modest sensation because I’m a “successful” writer and, by the way, also live in this alternative relationship as a sex slave. I could be proud in that.

I know writing and getting published in itself doesn’t make me important or significant. But it is something else I might hang my hat on.

Anyway, ultimately my answer to the question is yes, if something happened, God forbid, and I was unable to continue with Amanda, I would likely “re-up,” so to speak, if possible — if someone would take me. I would learn someone new. I would continue in the D/s life. I would find my purpose, as I do now, in serving as the pleasure of others. And, perhaps, in my writing.

If you weren’t with Amanda, would you prefer to be with a man or a woman?

This question came to me without an important piece of information: in D/s slavery or in vanilla life?

If I were to re-enter vanilla life, likely I would seek a relationship with another woman. I am bisexual, for sure, equally attracted to men and women on the surface of things. But in terms of the promise of fulfillment and sexual intimacy and long-term life, I know I would most likely find greatest satisfaction with a woman.

If the question is about living in another D/s arrangement, I might rather choose to be with a male dominant. In fact — and Amanda knows this about me — in slavery I have strong desires to be dominated by men as well as by, well, Amanda. I don’t mean to stereotype, and some doms can have the same traits as dommes, and vice-versa. But in general, male dominance is more tactile and physical, more blatantly sexual, and I confess I sometimes miss that, and having desires for that.

How I answer this is no reflection on Amanda. As everyone knows, I would choose her above every other option. But the question is about me apart from Amanda, and in this way, if I had a choice in a new slavery, I might choose to serve a man.

In a way, my life under both Amanda and Kevin was the perfect storm for me. He “claimed” me, as we spoke of then, through his sheer physicality and brute sexuality. She, on the other hand commanded my heart and mind with her beauty and feminine dominance. For him, I would kneel before him in a heartbeat as he unzipped his pants and pushed himself into my mouth. For Amanda, well, I would follow her to the end of the earth. As I have done.

I fear that I might be with a male dominant for a month or so and then find I desire the touch of another woman. So it goes. If so, I imagine my Master would not so much mind sometimes allowing and watching me with another woman. Even Amanda is talking about doing that.

5 thoughts on “two questions

  1. One of the things I enjoy reading is your deep and thoughtful reflections. I too get personal questions via email at times and hesitate to send a quick response, because, like you, the answers are full of depth and layers and require thought and contemplation prior to firing off a response. And, those thoughts and responses are not always understood by someone who does not share in an alternate interest or lifestyle. I may be one of the most vanilla of all of your readers, but I have a deep curiosity toward understanding female sexuality and you do a good job explaining a part of it (the deep need for submission). In addition, and I know I’ve mentioned this, you have an elegant writing style. Makes it for intriguing reading.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. “At the end of my life, what would I look back on and say I actually accomplished? ”

    For what it’s worth, I would offer that your candid writing offers a great deal of insight into this life. You’ve educated a great many more of us than you realize.

    Liked by 3 people

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