notes to a younger me 6: timing regrets

I wish I had entered the life sooner, when I was twenty-five instead of thirty.

I couldn’t have, of course, for back then I didn’t yet know the depth of my submissive need. I knew I was submissive and was exploring that, but it was still just “this curious thing” about myself. I was not yet aware that my submissiveness wasn’t just a part of me but the essential core of me.

So, I wasn’t ready for the submissive life in my mid-twenties, but I regret that I wasn’t. I further regret that my upbringing repressed and narrowly defined my sexuality such that it took me all of my twenties to find my submissive self.

It is my other regret that in my mid-twenties, I distracted myself with a real estate career. This, I know now, put my social life on hold and delayed my submissive self-discovery. There were benefits to being in business, but I realize now that the pursuit of a career was a way I avoided discovering and facing what I was.

It is this that I wish I had done differently.

I believe that “finding your submissive self” is something that must develop naturally in your life. You can’t rush it. And yet you can pursue it. You can read about it, you can talk with a lifestyle counselor about it, and you can put yourself in safe situations to taste it. You can determine to face it in the mirror of yourself.

This is not about a lifestyle but about understanding and accepting your special sexuality. It may be you go through this process and decide this is not the life for you. That’s fine. It may be that you discover you are deeply submissive and must live in a D/s life deeply and fully. That’s fine.

What isn’t fine, and what’s my regret, is to put discovering yourself on the back burner so that you never really know.

The point is you will be happiest when you are in the life you were made for.


9 thoughts on “notes to a younger me 6: timing regrets

  1. And there we have life, a process of separating who we are from what we have been taught we are supposed to be. It is a process of separating our true passions from the conglomerate of others’ passions to which we have been exposed. We can spend large portions of our lives discovering that what we thought to be a passion was, in fact, just a passing interest while, with each passing year, each passing moment, we are learning that a lifetime is oh so much shorter than we ever realized. Pursue one thing, and one thing only: happiness. There are no do-overs.
    It is amazing how few words would have to be changed in what you wrote for it to be directly and specifically applicable to me.
    Thank you, Shae, again.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. you say this beautifully, sillkenlash. I really like this: “separating our true passions from the conglomerate of others’ passions.” that’s really it.. we so easily pursue what others think should be our passion. in my real estate career, I was actually pursuing something to please my father, although I didn’t realize it at the time… good thoughts, here, thank you…

      Liked by 3 people

  2. We live life and learn. Society has changed with the internet and we have access to things, ideas that we didn’t have at our finger tips as we do now, Just think where you might be if you read a blog like this when you were a teenager, i feel regret when i look back but with the knowledge that i had those were the best decisions at the tme, It is those lessons that make us who we are today.
    You are wonderful Shae and it shows by all who want and desire you ie Amanda,Kevin, Master McKenna

    Liked by 3 people

    1. thanks, sindee… I realize we can get paralyzed by regret, and that’s not helpful. or healthy. but you’re right — we learn from our regrets, and it all contributes to who we are today. lovely insight. thank you…

      Liked by 3 people

  3. What’s truly important is that you eventually DID find yourself and that your comfortable in your own skin! Some folks aren’t that lucky.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. I didn’t find kink until I was 53. Imagine those regrets! But even if I knew, I would have discounted kink due to my feminism and lack of understanding of both. There was no internet to learn from – no books at my fingertips. Instead of regrets of which there are many, I am doing my best to be more open minded and curious and take action when opportunities arise and fight the lethargy and stagnation that comes with modern life. Instead of regrets, think of it the positive, natural flow of understanding yourself.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thaisce, thanks for your comment — it’s so good. I agree with your thought about modern life prompting lethargy and stagnation. I think it represses us and keeps us from exploring life more adventurously… I think I am generally more positive than negative in my life, but there are times when I have these regrets. I try not to let them consume me. I really like your idea of considering regrets part of the flow of self-understanding. Thank you!

      Liked by 3 people

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