How did you feel undressing in front of the men? (Neighbor Patricia Miller, multiple others)
Let me say first, I believe making me topless for a lot of the retreat was more of Amanda’s idea. Master McKenna may have also shared in that intention, and it’s obvious I would likely be displayed in some way, but it’s so Amanda in the nature of it. She would want me to experience revealing my breasts to a roomful of men. Further, she’d want to watch.
I think the bigger point is that often I was unsure how far he would have me strip for them. Tuesday, the last day — they’d already been seeing my boobs — I didn’t know if it would go farther, if I would be told to take off my skirt as well. It didn’t, but I was never sure.
I felt the humiliation of it, of course, as well as the sexual tension of it. Part of it was the shame of being seen in my submission — because of how I am made, having to submit and obey despite the outcome. Another part of it, was the sexual feeling of being lusted for by five men I didn’t know.
How did you feel during Amanda’s pantomime with you at the bar? (Nudo)
This, again, gave me initially a feeling of apprehension about how far she would take it. Of course, when she “installs” me on the wet bar at home for real, I am completely naked. Here, I was topless, but wearing a skirt. I wondered if she’d lift my skirt up from behind and show them my pussy rearward. But she didn’t.
Otherwise, the pantomime was more of a single pose on my part, and a technical description from Amanda to the men. I don’t remember it being particularly substantial for me as far as feelings go.
Please say more about your reactions to the younger dominants. (Amanda’s lifestyle friend, Dayna)
Yes, good question… Two of the five dominants were in their twenties.
Most of my submission experiences have been with people older than me. Amanda is a decade older, Master McKenna is fifty-five. Some other dominants in their circles that I’ve been around have been in their fifties, some almost sixty — often twenty-plus years older than me.
This isn’t by my choice — I don’t control these things, obviously. And I don’t know why older dominants seem drawn to me.
When I’m with older dominants, I feel it to be comfortable — maybe it’s the age-as-authority thing. I submit easily with people significantly older than me. It’s a good vibe somehow.
So when I’m around dominants younger than me it’s a different vibe. It’s not a resistance to their authority as a dominant. In the case of the retreat, the two younger men were clearly accomplished and mature and serious about pursuing the lifestyle. But some of it might be just a sense that we are peers by age, that in an earlier time I might have been in college with them — although that wouldn’t literally be possible as I am six or seven years older, it feels like that. At the retreat, it came to my mind occasionally that one of these younger doms might in another context ask me out on a date.
And here I am standing in front of them submissively in a collar, on a leash, with my breasts bared. I’m not sure if that’s a deeper feeling of submission or a different kind of humiliation or what. But it’s different.
At least it has given me story ideas about a younger dominant man and an older submissive woman. That seems interesting to explore…
Was there any talk about the lesbian relationship between you and Amanda? I would imagine the men would be curious about that. (Neighbor Patricia Miller)
Patricia, yes, they were curious and asked about my bisexuality a number of times. This came out in my interview time the first evening and then also in the interview time with Amanda the next morning, but these questions popped up throughout the whole time.
Some of their interest, of course, was clearly prurient — an indulgence of their lustful interest in imagining me sexually with another woman. So be it. They had every right to explore me that way. That’s what I was there for.
Anyway, there were questions about my previous experiences with women, and what bisexuality meant in terms of how it felt for me with men versus women. I told them about my affair with Chandra, not in detail of course, but how and what happened. I said that for me being with a woman sexually felt as fully natural as being with a man felt, but that it was different in the experience.
In a situation like that, being in a room full of dominant men, do you ever think about one or another of them being your own dominant? If you could choose one or another of them, who would your choose? (Chris)
Interesting question. I didn’t think any of that them, but will now. There were two of them who felt to me like they were over-compensating, and I was not drawn to them. (True alpha males don’t need to try so hard to appear alpha.)
One of the (older) men was more natural in his dominance, or so it felt to me. He was stern at times with me, though not cold, just seeming to assume my place and slave purpose and treating me as such. I liked that I responded to that pretty deeply. I would probably choose him.
The other candidate in my mind is one of the younger doms. Despite what I said above about the younger men, I think I would like to experience that sometime. That dynamic would be interesting to me.
Do you think Amanda would ever consider having a retreat like this one, only with prospective female dominants? (Neighbor Patricia Miller)
I don’t know. It’s an interesting idea, Patricia. She would be so good at it, don’t you think? We could have it here at the house, with high tea served one of the afternoons…