fiction fragment

The beginning of a story perhaps. Fiction. Well, sort of…

Why it happened with him, I don’t really know. Sure, I remember when I met him and how I responded to him that first time. I can go back through the subsequent events and try to recreate what did I know when, how one step led to another — but in the sequence there is no why.

I have searched for the why of me with him, as if some simple thing can be a justification for the unthinkable. But it’s wrapped up in me, like a ghost hidden in the crevices of the woman I am.

You see, sometimes there is no “why,” and you choose a man that first time because of what’s in you, an unknowable craving that somehow, inexplicably, he juices and sates. You drink him, and then he’s in you, and then you are dependent, and then you never choose anything different.

I don’t ask myself these questions any more, but others do, wondering about me, and me with him, and how it is cruel to me and debasing and all these things they will never understand — why would I do this to myself, and that sort of thing — all of it the source of my shame. To many, I’m at least a curiosity. To most, a disgrace. To some, a terrible pity.

I know.

5 thoughts on “fiction fragment

  1. I’ve known a couple of women who were in that situation. Quiet, proper girls who avoided drawing attention to themselves. They meet someone who dots all their Is and crosses all their Ts, and suddenly, out of the blue, they’re going out half naked with their Dom, having sex with his friends, and everyone is talking about them.
    One of them had a female friend who was really giving her Dom a hard time about it. So, he made his sub seduce her friend’s husband. I heard that he videoed it and sent it to the friend. I never would have dreamed the sub would do anything like that, not that I knew her real well. ​I guess he had a grip on her down deep. I heard later that the two guys got into it and they both ended up in jail.
    You never know what kind of fire might be burning inside a quiet introvert. A woman who was a free agent one day and owned property the next is having a hard enough time adjusting without some irresponsible pseudodominant destroying her personal life.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. silkenlash, yes, you get it… it’s fiction, but a piece of me is in a lot of my fiction. in my early encounters with Michael, I would have done anything for him, including what you relate here. but he didn’t let me fall into helplessness, thank god…. but when you write, “a grip on her down deep,” and “what kind of fire might be burning inside a quiet introvert,” that’s me, bot then and now.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Hi shae…I don’t know if this is something even we can fully understand, living it. There is something primordial about submission that takes hold, and I find just the opposite of shame in submission, but intense pride. I feel like a very wild animal, a noble beast, when I am at my most vulnerable with Mistress. That she has tamed me, cooled my fires, brought all of me into alignment. There is nobody other than the two of us that would understand it, and others like you who live similarly.

    Though judgement is rife, and certainly the pop culture version of modern slavery and submission is a farce and so far from the truth. From your postings your interactions are more sexual than mine, though mine are also intensely erotic. There is certainly no shame in that. The most important underpinning of life is sex and sexuality. Very few people understand that. Yes, you need to know your own boundaries and limits, and to own them, not give them to someone else, but within the acceptable, the desirable, then play, right? Who cares what others think.

    I find myself increasingly drawn towards being acknowledged publicly when I submit. It feels intensely validating, but also completely natural, and therein lies its beauty.

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    1. you are such a good writer… so beautiful… so much here, so well said.

      I am too terribly aware of what others think of me as a submissive, even though I know I shouldn’t care so much what others think. But I do. It goes to my self-image and upbringing, and while I long ago accepted this is what I am, and came to love myself in this, I know others don’t understand or accept me in the same way. I long to say with you that “I find just the opposite of shame in submission, but intense pride,” but I’m not there yet, or will be ever. Strangely I *do* feel pride in what I am and do as a sex slave, but it’s local to my Mistress, Master, and those in close. Otherwise, I live in various states of humiliation and shame.

      I don’t stay in this place for this reason, but I am aware that my dominants enjoy my dance with humiliation and like watching my shame in person. They like knowing certain things are hard for me, affect me, embarrass me. And also that I thrill to being made to do them — you know, that constant contradiction.

      “The most important underpinning of life is sex and sexuality. Very few people understand that.” Yes. A hundred times yes. I grew up in a conservative culture that restrained and demonized (literally) sex and sexuality, and it affected me deeply. But at a point about ten years ago, I came to see sex and sexuality, as you say, being “important” and meaningful and beautiful and essential. Discovering myself as a deep submissive was a slow reveal, but this understanding of sex was immediate, like a light switch turning on. Much to say about that…

      “I find myself increasingly drawn towards being acknowledged publicly when I submit. It feels intensely validating, but also completely natural, and therein lies its beauty.” Well, me too, girlieboy. Seems ironic that I as a shy, self-conscious woman would land in slavery to a mistress who loves public display and presentation. Just my luck 😉but of course, it’s the most wonderful thing. Even though I feel humiliation and shame in it, I also find it deeply compelling, and yes, if I allow it to be so, a validation of me for what I am.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’ve been thinking a lot about what you are saying here, and about your trash men incident, and the various times you have been exposed. My only comparison is when I had an opportunity to wash Mistress’s feet in a very public place and I got on my knees and did so, and it felt so natural and good.

        And funnily enough, I had been saying to her that I was hoping that we would have moments together where I could be acknowledged in submission to her.

        The only other time that was so explicit was when she slapped me in the face at dinner. It was a playful slap, but it still stung, and I can’t remember doing anything to provoke it, I think she just felt like slapping me. I had told her earlier that day that she was very nice to me, not at all cruel, and I think she felt like playing. with me.

        It was a crowded restaurant, there were tables all around, I am sure people saw, but I didn’t give a darn. It felt really good and natural.

        She has very generously created a situation coming up where I will be able to be with her and a friend and I am looking forward to that immensely.

        Liked by 1 person

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