mother and me

Last week Mother asked me more about my D/s life and some of the specific things I am, uh, “made to do.”

For those new to my life, two years ago I came out to her, first about my bisexuality and my lesbian relationship with Amanda, then about my submissiveness and D/s lifestyle. It was admittedly an unusual seasonal cocktail — my first confession at Thanksgiving, my second at Christmas — a holiday one-two punch. Amanda, proof of the first part, was there for the second part, and wooed my mother into surprising acceptance of everything.

I think that in the years following my father’s death, my mother, although feeling deep loss, has also come to a new freedom. I don’t know what all that entails, nor do I need to know, but I believe Mom’s acceptance of me (of me and Amanda, and of me under Amanda) has much to do with her awareness that the man she was married to was quite restrictive morality and especially narrow in the area of sexuality. She herself wanted more and “other” — or so I surmise. I don’t know that she has anyone in her life now, much less her own Christian Grey, but at the very least, she seems to have curiosities about my alternative life and to a degree lives vicariously through me.

And so she asks me, “How does Amanda tie you up? You know, take control of you?”

This would be humorous if it were someone else and someone else’s mother, and if I weren’t in the squeamish position of deciding how much to tell her about the heated intimacies of my slave life. Telling her “Amanda makes me go topless and has me wear jingle bells from my pierced nipples” is one thing. Telling her that Amanda shares me with two other men is quite another.

I think mother probably still holds to a morality of monogamy, accepting the lesbian and D/s elements of my life because I am the “wife,” in her sensibility, of “husband” Amanda. To her, per the Bible, a husband should have one wife, and vice versa. Given that’s how Mother imagines Amanda and me, it’s really okay in “Mom-theology” for Amanda to do whatever she darn well pleases to me. (I’m not sure what Mom does with the so-called biblical teachings against homosexuality that Father frequented spouted, but she never really was much on board with those sermons, as I recall.)

In any case, I’m guessing that, for my mother, monogamy is still a pillar of civilization, so I avoid mention of the fact that I am on a regular basis servicing two men about once a month. That might not fly, I’m guessing. Amanda, the Woo queen might be able to sell it to her someday — Mom thinks Amanda is wonderful — but if I mentioned it, I’m sure mother would disapprove. To her, thinking of me as a lesbian submissive to Amanda is thrilling but to think of me as a promiscuous slut would be deplorable.

Another area I avoided in conversation with her was corporal punishment. For me it conjures recollections of being spanked as a girl, not frequently but, let’s just say, memorably. And it reminds me that as an adult woman I was spanked not so many weeks ago by Master McKenna. Actually Mother would like the spanking part, one of the fifty shades perhaps, and maybe even the idea of a debonair man pulling me across his lap, but then not so much the idea that I am a slave to more than one person which, again, makes me a slut. This gets so convoluted…

So, pressed by her, I manage to sort through this and volunteer a few things. Amanda really isn’t so much about bondage, which mother actually gets into. Mistress A is far more about public display, which I think would be troubling to mother. So, I avoid the BBQ party and being made bare-breasted in front of trash men. How do you explain that? Again — conversations you should never have to have with one’s mother. But I have to tell her something…

Not sure it was a wise choice, but I tell her about the wet bar.

“So,” mother says, reprising my explanation, “you’re stretched over the bar and your breasts are hanging on the other side, and she sits there and places her wine glass on your bare back? Doesn’t it topple over and make a mess?”

Somehow in my naked bondage mother finds tidiness important.

“Yes, my back is the surface,” I say. “It’s up to me not to move or breathe too deeply so there is no spillage.” (Yes, I used the word “spillage.”)

She wants to know how my ankles are secured to the wet bar and I tell her about the eye bolts and shackles. “And your arms, where do they go?” I tell her they are stretched to either side of me and bolted to the wet bar as well. I watch her face as the mental picture of me forms in her mind, which gives me a little twinge of horror, and, yes, somehow she makes the observation that my body then bears the image of a cross.

I certainly don’t want to go to unholy images of me as a crucifix, so I try to change the subject. “Amanda also makes me scrub the kitchen floor,” I say, “while I’m naked. Well, sometimes with a short skirt on.”

“So she uses you for cleaning. That’s good.”

Somehow, as we’re talking about my utter debasement and sexual disgrace, my mother finds virtue in keeping a spotless floor. Through her eyes, my whole life is summed up by a sudsy, slippery roll on the slick kitchen floor and a bright yellow bottle of Mr. Clean.

For a hot funny minute I imagine my mother as a D/s slave. She would drive Christian Grey nuts. He’d tie her to a bed and she’d make a comment about dust collecting in the corner of the ceiling.

I think she’d have to be a service slave.

16 thoughts on “mother and me

  1. Now, she is out from under decades of your father and finally free to explore the world beyond her marriage. She is forming her own opinions and trying to understand viewpoints that are alien to her. She seems to be open minded, when viewed from the context of her marriage, but she’s having difficulty unfolding her wings to fly high enough to see beyond her old viewpoint. She may have a bit of guilt about straying far from you father’s dogma, but I think she’s doing remarkably well in the things that she has accepted.
    I believe I see a glimmer of the source of some of your spirit, slave shae. I’m glad that you were able to talk with her, even if it was awkward.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Master Silkenlash, you say it well, and you are, as always, very perceptive. Mother’s views were controlled by my father, although she believed in all of it herself. Yet, even back in my earlier years, I sensed she wanted to fly, as you say, differently. Now she is beginning to…

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Shae, I absolutely loved this piece and is reflective in many ways in parts of my own life. I haven’t been blogging for a few weeks as per my hiatus, but I just had to comment and share with you my own experiences and story.

    Before I do, please allow me to offer my condolences on the passing of your father. It is a pain that I too share and my mother’s own sexual awakening is something that I too have witnessed. She and I have grown closer in this regard. After the passing of my father, my mother admitted to me that she was missing sex and intimacy and wasn’t sure how she she would manage. I didn’t judge her, as a married woman myself, instead I empathised with her.

    My mother is in the BDSM lifestyle, and has been for many years, in fact, it was she who introduced me to it. My mother and father were a D/s couple, though they didn’t play together anywhere near as much as my mother and her partner used to. We have very strict rules about how much involvement we have with one another, including that we won’t share a partner (though one did try!) and that we don’t involve ourselves in the other’s private business without request or permission. We do privately pass judgement on one another’s decisions just occasionally, though we also respect the other’s right to make said choices.

    As people. mother and I are very similar – we’re both stubborn, warm (at least, until crossed), hard working and people-pleasers. We’re both also creative, love writing and love animals. We get along with people easily, but we’re relentless about those who cross us.

    In our submission, my mother and I are very different. Mother likes strict control, and I am much more of a sensualist, a little girl and a brat. Don’t get me wrong, I like edge play scenarios too (kidnap/interrogation would be one), but I enjoy sensation play, I adore sensation play. I enjoy situations that make me think and feel, especially ones that I can’t control. As a woman who usually has all of her ducks in a row, it’s something that I’m not generally used to, and my “little girl” side gives me a chance to give up on responsibility for a while.

    My mother has quite a colourful past in terms of her submission, not limited to professional submission and polyamory. In her latest stint and following the passing of my father, she pitted three Dominants against the other at an event in a sort of game of “who do I like best?” and promised a vial necklace of her own blood to a Dom whom she barely knew. Neither are actions that I condone, of course, but it’s not my place to tell her what to do.

    Right now, as you may be aware, I’m involved with two men – my husband and my new partner, Will. Primarily, my husband is just my husband and Will is now my main Dominant. They’re similar in some ways, both identified Daddy Doms, and both are very enthusiastic in their love for my breeding kink. My husband isn’t really into BDSM like Will and I are, so in all, it’s an arrangement that works well for us all. However, and for some reason not quite clear to me in spite of her polyamorous past, my mother does not approve.

    One of Will’s new rules for me is to stop apologising for the things that I don’t regret doing, as well as speaking up for myself and what I want to do, instead of saying or doing what other people want me to say or do. It’s been challenging, but so far I think it’s going okay. Sir is in an established position in the Armed Forces, so when he speaks, you generally listen.

    That brings me to my video call with my mother last night.

    “How are things with Will?” she asked, I could detect the judgement in her tone, I was doomed right from the start.

    “How does Matt feel about it all?” was the next question.

    “So-so” I explained, “we’re all just taking it a step at a time at the moment.” Well, it’s been two whole months with two hundred miles between us. Right now, ‘one step at a time’ is frankly all that we really can do.

    “Hmm, well it’s your life” she said, but I knew exactly what she was implying – it’s your life to screw up.

    Now how did *I* feel about that? Me? What was my feeling? Oh yeah, hurt, defensive , angry. Time to act!

    “Well, we all do things in our lives sometimes that other people don’t necessarily approve of” I shot back. She soon changed the topic.

    I think my new training is going pretty well!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Helen, thank you for sharing this. Your life is fascinating to me. in some respects our journeys are similar (yes, I knew from your blog about Matt and Will, not so different from me with Amanda and Master McKenna)… Everything with your mother is amazing, and you are far more open about lifestyle things with her than I am with my Mom. Of course, the difference is that your mother and father were in D/s from the beginning and influenced you (which is intriguing in its own right) . I am now in the position, perhaps, of informing my mother of D/s and BDSM life, which she’s obviously curious about…. Oh, my, I have so many questions for you… One: you mentioned “breeding kink.” How does that play out for you?

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Shae, please, fire away, I know that my situation is unusual and people will always have questions about it, both inside of and outside of kink. There’s no need to wonder, just ask. I don’t bite, at least, not often anyway.

        Now, to answer you question.

        I suppose the short, rather crude answer is “fun!”. At it’s core, the breeding kink is a subtype of carnal/primal play, where people do away with societal rules. In essence, we behave like animals. Not necessarily literally, but what’s wrong or right by law ceases to exist, and instead we go by what *feels* wrong and what feels right, to us.

        Do animals have foreplay and candlelit dinners before they have offspring? No, they don’t. It’s just primitive sex, purely for the intention and purposes of procreation. There’s no snuggling and dating either, it’s just mating and then foraging for food and business as usual. That’s not to say that you can’t or shouldn’t date someone you want to “breed” with, of course you can do that too, but it’s not always a precursor event.

        Now, where I personally draw the line is where that starts passing over into the realms of the impregnation fantasy. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with it (apart from my deep unease with the very small number who actually get abortions in the name of their kink) , it’s just that the impregnation fantasy (pregnant bellies, lactating breasts etc) does nothing for me. For me, the fantasy and the kink comes in being dominated by an alpha male and “bred”. even if, and thanks to my pill, usually not successfully. Still, when you speak to his most carnal desires, some men really, really crave that 1 in 10,000 chance of success – even if they’d never really thought of fatherhood before!

        As a woman, being desired is, as I’m sure you’ll relate, incredibly empowering. If you think back to your experiences with the trash men, how did it feel to know that they wanted you? That men want you? That they all imagined touching you and having sex with you? It’s a rather heady place, no?

        It’s sort of the same thing for me: Could anything be more empowering than having a man desire you enough to make you the mother of his own progeny? To want to take your body and to use it purely for his own primitive needs? Forget about rules and society and instead just be at one with your natural instincts?

        I’ll leave you with that thought for today 😉

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Again, so much to respond to… this is lovely…

        You wrote, “If you think back to your experiences with the trash men, how did it feel to know that they wanted you? That men want you? That they all imagined touching you and having sex with you? It’s a rather heady place, no?” Yes, later, after it was over, and I replayed it in my head, I had the fantasy of them acting on their (obvious) desire, and taking me. It is a heady, erotic thing, for sure.

        I guess I ask about the “breeding kink” because I myself share in some of those thoughts. In addition to what you say here, I think it’s the ultimate in submissive experience to be made available to men for the purpose of breeding me. That’s a powerful fantasy.

        But I agree with you that some things need to be kept as a fantasy. To actually be impregnated would be another thing entirely. I would agree that abortion would be unthinkable, and raising a child would have to be primary in one’s life. So, maybe I’ll leave that all to be played out in fiction.

        Though Amanda teases me that someday she may breed me so we will have a child. She is teasing. I think…

        So another thing I was going to ask you was the juicy little tidbit you dropped about a time when you and your mother came close to being shared by the same dominant? If you don’t want to post that here, I understand. Or else, you have my email. I’m just curious… 😉

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I love this, especially as I discover my own nature as a service slave. What a joyful read. I have been having my own adventures recently with disclosure to old friends–though not quite my mother, I totally get the challenge of answering the questions and being selective with the information provided. It is also really very uplifting to be “out”. Just to be managed with care.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. “managed with care…” yes, we are fragile in this, and so coming out to various people can be dangerous… the people who trigger me are my old college friends, my cohort from college.. but it’s been rather wonderful to be open with my Mom. very special. I don’t know where all that goes, but she knows enough that I can share with her the basic things of my slave life. glad you enjoyed this post, girlieboy. I’m curious about your duties as a service slave… ???

      Liked by 3 people

      1. My duties are not yet formal or regular but are slowly taking shape. I should post about it one day, but any chance I am offered to do something for Mistress, to run an errand, to do some research, to organize things—I jump at it. I enjoy serving as her secretary most of all, and everyone could use a good secretary. I should think rather, executive assistant.

        Liked by 1 person

    2. “executive assistant” is one flavor of my submission to Master McKenna. I don’t think of myself as a service slave, though I admire those like you who can do it. So, with Master M, we’ll see how this goes.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Shae…I had a good belly laugh toward the end, when you described your mother finding virtue in keeping a spotless floor. Thank you for sharing this conversation with us. I think it is beautiful that you and your mom are able to connect in this way.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hey Shae. We try again, see from your answers that GT does not work 100%, you give answers, and I see that what I wrote is not interpreted as I thought. But now I want to share some thoughts about your mother. You were born in 86?, How young was your mother then? How long had your parents been lovers and married? What experiences did your mother have before her father appeared? It was not the internet, and if it had been, your father would have seen what she was looking for. Think about, what opportunities has she had? Compared to you, you have also commented on the lack of words and information. I believe you when you say that your mother may `live` through you. Maybe you or Miz- the Woo can help her along the way in her quest for something. Perhaps you have already opened her understanding that there are many ways to live a life, and that the sexual life is broader than the narrow path your father preached. There are many thoughts here, you decide if this topic fits into q & a.

    Liked by 1 person

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