lunch. maria. redux.

A few further thoughts came to me yesterday after I posted about my lunch with Maria.

I thought of future conversations that might be good to have with her. Lunch was about the two of us talking together as submissive women, finding friendly connection in that, and exploring possible D/s baby steps for Maria. It wasn’t the time for further and deeper discussions about the life.

It has occurred to me that if and when that time comes, I might forge several discussions with her, as follows…


One would be the delight and danger of attraction in D/s.

I am aware that Maria’s current interest may be a romanticized attraction to something she sees between me and Master McKenna. She has glimpsed what he does with me, and perhaps she is thinking, “I’ll have what she’s having.” On the one hand, that testifies to the genuineness of the submissive within her. On the other hand, watching him with me is not the same as experiencing it herself. The activities of D/s, I might say, are challenging, hard, and often humiliating; they can break you, bring you to tears. Ultimately they become deeply fulfilling and extraordinary, but you often have to go through hell to get there. The rewards are worth it, I would say to Maria. but it would be good not to allow herself to become enamored of the image of D/s and dream of it as all cookies and cream.

I also imagine that Maria may have some attraction to Master McKenna himself. To that, I would share my own first D/s experience years ago with Master Michael, who rejected me as his slave the first time round because I was in love with him and not really committed to the life of D/s slavery. You can’t allow yourself to be drawn into D/s in pursuit of an infatuation.

And/or maybe Maria has some attraction to me. Which would be lovely, but then again not the right reason for pursuing and entering the D/s life.


I realize that Maria might choose to make D/s a part-time thing, an occasional indulgence in her life. That’s fine, and what;’s most common. I know that full-time, 24/7 submissive life is a rare thing to happen or make possible.

But if Maria did come to a point of wanting to live full-time in D/s — to commit her life to it — I would want to talk with her about the reality of giving yourself to another.

That is, in D/s slavery you kind of live another person’s life. Your owner — master or mistress — becomes your entire focus, your primary purpose. You live for them. Which means in a way your own life is channeled through them. You sacrifice your wants and needs and become the fulfillment of theirs.

I think we might consider this a commitment beyond that of marriage. Which is not to put marriage down. It’s just that a full-time D/s life is equally momentous and, I might argue, a more profound ultimate destination.

In marriage, two people give themselves to each other. While there is some sacrifice of one to another, it goes both ways, mutually. And that’s a beautiful thing. But in a D/s arrangement, one gives herself to another completely, and the other uses her completely. It is intentionally un-mutual. Of course, yes, the submissive is fulfilled in that very thing — the upside-down of the submissive psychology in which being used is her pleasure. But the nature of a D/s relationship is extreme, posing the question to the submissive, “How far will you go in living entirely for another person?” This is extreme, beyond what we know in traditional relationships within friendships and marriages.

I think D/s, in this way and to this degree, ultimately creates a uniquely meaningful depth that cannot be reached in traditional relationships — but again, it takes a lot of sacrifice of self to get there.

(BTW, I am fascinated by those who have poly relationships within their marriage commitment. In these marriages, both partners have agreed that a further commitment of one can only be found through another outside relationship. For example, a submissive woman married to a non-dominant man is allowed to seek an outside dominant for her fulfillment. I think this is such a beautiful thing, an image of utter trust and permission. It suggests that a D/s relationship might provide a uniquely deep and fulfilling dimension not otherwise available.)


I might have another discussion with Maria about the types of submission/slavery there are, and why it may be important to learn early on what type is most fulfilling to her.

I have written before about types of D/s slavery: service slavery, professional slavery, sexual slavery, display slavery, bondage slavery, obedience slavery, pain slavery, “pet” slavery, and so on. Some of these derive from Gorean mythology, in which women were kept for very specific roles and functions.

But today, we commonly think of D/s slavery in general terms, being about a variety of practices — obedience, trainingm bondage, and maybe sex. Most D/s involves all of that and more — a general smorgasbord of D/s activities. Yet I would say to Maria that eventually something emerges between dom and sub as a primary preference, or type, within the slavery. A dominant may have a preference for one type or another, and likewise a submissive may be most fulfilled by one type or another.

I’m just saying that it’s best for a submissive to have an idea of what her primary slave type is.

The most obvious case-in-point is a situation in which one desires a slavery that is non-sexual while the other is seeking sexual availability as a primary focus of the slavery. If a submissive needs her D/s life to be non-sexual, then that’s got to be figured out ahead of time with any dominant who wishes for a slavery that is sex-primary. Otherwise, the arrangement won’t work.

In Maria’s case, I might assume that since she is employed in a service job of doing housecleaning and laundry, she might be suited for “service” slavery. Yet, when you think about it, that might be the last thing she wishes her submissive life to be about. Only she will know in time, but it will be good for her to get to that self-understanding of her primary slave type..

(As for me, I have evolved, you might say, into being a sex slave. I also enjoy the aspects of behavior-focused slavery (posture and speech) and obedience-based slavery (following orders precisely). All of these have been part of my slaveries, but being used a sex slave has become primary. In my history, under Master Michael I was a kind of “general-purpose” slave, and it’s been since I came under Amanda that my sexual focus has been developed.)

There’s a “love languages” angle to slave types: about your submissive slave type being matched to the type of slave he most prefers.


These three conversations probably seem somewhat random, but I think of them as fitting into the file folder labeled “Future Considerations for a Developing Submissive.” They might also get linked to my other folder labeled “Curriculum for Slave School.”

10 thoughts on “lunch. maria. redux.

  1. This post leads me to a question or two. Since you describe yourself as a sex primary sub (which has been illustrated in a good many of your posts), and knowing that Amanda has kind of lent you to others for that very purpose — I’m wondering if Amanda herself ever has other sex partners. I’ve read a great many of your posts, and I don’t recall reading that she has. Does she ever take other partners? If so, male or female or either? And — are you a part of such encounters. (Please forgive me if you’ve covered this subject before and I’ve missed it.)

    Liked by 2 people

    1. no, gary, I haven’t written much of anything on that before… I need to be a bit careful of what I say here publicly. that’s Amanda’s business. I’ll just say that in our arrangement, she has every right to have other partners, and I have no right to know about them. So she may have had partners that I’m unaware of… I can honestly say no, I have not ever been brought into any encounters alongside her with another… now, I *have* written once or twice about her wish to pair me sometime with a sister slave, and she has offered hints she might be then involved sexually with the two of us… but that hasn’t happened.

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Right! I should have realized that. Amanda may want to keep her private life confidential as you suggest. Then, I should have also realized that, given your dynamic, you have no power and no rights…so she might take lovers without your consent (which isn’t yours to give) or even your knowledge — one of the many fascinating aspects of your life. Thanks for your answer! 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

  2. As an observer/reader, the first question that comes to mind is “Hth do you say anything that even remotely prepares somebody for this life?” It seems so totally immersive and transformative that I can’t help but think that you have no idea who you’re going to be on the other side of the experience. I can’t imagine anybody else being able to prepare you for that.

    That being said, I do think that it’s a great think that you’re willing to support her in her journey.

    If she does turn out to be “built for this life”. I wonder how her willingness to share/recount her experiences will compare to yours. Or, would she find another outlet to process her thoughts during downtime.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dave… yeah, as I wrote this post, I was thinking the same thing. however, some would-be submissives long to live in it fully, and so total immersion in 24/7 is attractive to them. It’s then that some of these cautionary conversations might be useful… I don’t know if she’s wired to share her life openly as I have been. in my case, writing is a driving force, whatever I write about, and my slave life becomes the usual subject, so there’s a natural compulsion for me to share… of course, there are others in the lifestyle who blog like I do, so it’s possible Maria will too. you never know.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. I’m wondering how patient Maria is, and whether she doesn’t want to wait for your next visit before moving forward into exploring submission further.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Mister Archie, a good question. I don’t know. If she explores this further on her own, that’s fine. I think a related question is if she will approach Master McKenna on it, even in a general way. I think not, because she is shy and a little too in awe of him. But I don’t know.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. As a polyamorous woman currently seeking (though not strictly) a Dominant partner, I can definitely say that yes, the level of trust and intimacy involved in my primary relationship is delightful. Matt is Dominant. but he’s not into BDSM as much as I am and I have a hunger for more, to explore my full submissive potential, if you will. An interesting prerequisite I have found is they must respect Matt. They don’t need to submit to him or his orders, but treat him as an equal. I think to see him as giving or sharing me with another for their enjoyments warrants him of such respect.

    I also find it interesting that you mention different types of submissive, and that’s not really something that I’ve thought of before. I suppose that I am very service-oriented,I don’t care what it is as long as I can help. A Dominant’s pride does matter to me and I am hungry for it, I realise that now. The man that I am considering at the moment is very quick to remind me of my worth and how proud he is of me, however, we do have a few things that need sorting out. With Matt then he uses me a lot for administative & clerical work, with the addition of a petname – Sexetary – with which I have an understandable love/hate relationship. I love his creativity, though I simultanously hate that he’s reduced me to little more than fucking and filing. Bizarrely, both men also have quite a clean, polished idea of how I should be. It hadn’t occurred to me until now that I may have an unwritten uniform, interesting.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. I think it would be prudent to address infatuation right at the start. There are many levels of D/s which you know more about than I do, and there is nothing wrong with experimenting, but if infatuation with a specific dominant man is that obvious, it might be an unhealthy circumstance to allow to happen. Anyway, it sounds like conversation is open and mutual which is an excellent first step. Also, it’s fascinating that she has an opportunity to view first hand some of the D/s dynamic… not many people are privy to that.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Cassandra, I regret I haven’t responded to this earlier, but more apt in my current moment with Master and Maria here at the mansion. You are exactly right that infatuation is a dangerous entry into a D/s relationship. Of all people, I am the one to know this, as it was my rocky experience at the beginning with Michael… With Maria so far, I have been gauging her interest in general, but will be discussing some of this with her this week. You are wise to call this out, thanks…

      Like

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