Amanda is here (in PA) and we had a lovely Thanksgiving with Mother and Lucille. On Sunday, Amanda and I will fly back to CO, where I will once again become immersed in the slave life I long for so much.
Wednesday, I finished the last (for a while) of my mother’s insurance paperwork and picked up her prescription refill. That was the end of caretaking business until I return. Already I have slipped back into submissive unimportance, eager to feel owned and set aside once again.
While here with me in PA, Amanda does a masterful job of respecting my times of “leadership” with my mom, moments when I need to take charge. Amanda then defers to me, often helping in what needs to be done.
Such caretaking completed, I say something to Amanda or she says something to me, and it’s in the tone of voice, mine or hers, that signals a resumption of our proper relationship — that is, her dom to my sub. It has evolved this way, our mutual shape-shifting of roles unto each other, made necessary by the circumstance, and in the doing adding new meaning to our D/s.
I have been having dreams of being put in a cage. I think these emerge in my sleep-life at times when I feel submissively deprived in my waking life. They may be tugged out more in these moments of in-betweenness, when am on the cusp of leaving one of my worlds for another.
This is a vertical cage, but not placed at the center of a party, which is a dream variation on the theme. These times, my cage stands in a corner of the room. People are there, visitors walking through, but they pay little attention. I am seen but ignored, “on the side” of their interest, unimportant.
Amanda has a full schedule for me when I return with her to Colorado. I know some of her plans but not others. Most of it involves other people. I am eager for it now, but I know once there I’ll go through my usual angst about what my submissive humiliations make me in the eyes of others.
Amanda keeps saying, “That ship has sailed, Shae,” and wishes I simply accept my life of shared promiscuity. But I think she rather enjoys my hopeless struggle for respectability.