dominant attractions

I’ve been asked what is attractive to me in a dominant. I’ve written on this before, but there are new readers, and for me some things change over time. Consider this an update.

Here, I will talk about dom men. My attractions to domme women are different, and I may cover that in another post. As it has happened, I have been had by several men, starting with my first owner, Master Michael, then Kevin, and now Master McKenna. So, I will answer the question by exploring what is attractive to me in male dominants.

---

Of course, my first disclaimer is that what I find attractive in a dominant man doesn’t much matter. I do not get to choose. This isn’t “The Bachelorette” where I select my future slave owner from a lineup of twenty-five dominant men (though that sounds like a yummy story idea.) D/s slavery is much about the dominant you find yourself placed with, whether or not you are attracted to him.

The second disclaimer is that my attraction to a dominant man in D/s life is different from, say, my attraction to a vanilla man I want to date and spend my life with. Actually, it’s been so long since I lived in that vanilla world and space that I barely remember those kind of romantic, dreamy attractions — I haven’t been on a regular “date” for eight years.

My attraction to a dominant man isn’t based on his looks, first of all. A man can be short or tall, thin or heavy, whatever — I still can be quite submissively attracted to him. That said, I do find that a man who is taller than me (I am five-seven) feels more dominant to me. One other thing my attraction is not based on: the size of his cock. Amanda says I never met a cock I didn’t love, and while I roll my eyes at that, she’s not wrong.

I do have some superficial attractions. I am drawn to a dominant who is hygienic and clean, well groomed, neatly dressed. I think there’s perhaps a subtle subconscious subtext in that for me — a man who takes care of himself is one I can better trust with my body and sex.

As I’ve written times before, I find myself attracted to dominants who are older, sometimes much older. I don’t psychoanalyze myself much in that — father figures and the like. I think it’s mostly about their life experience and confidence. Likewise, I’ve sometimes mentioned my submissive feelings for dominants in executive positions — corporate businessmen. I don’t believe this is any attraction to their social status, but more to their ability to manage and, in a sense, control employees.

Ultimately my attraction to a dominant man is about his confidence in exercising power over me. This is not necessarily physical power, though may include that (Kevin, famously, manhandled me in the most delicious way). But I melt when I’m in the possession of a man who knows how to use me and doesn’t hesitate to do so.

---

Segue to a tangent: “benevolent dominance.”

In my particular strain of D/s, the path I have been trained in, much emphasis has been placed on this idea of a benevolent dominant. The intent is a good one — dominants need training too, to be responsible and aware in owning a slave. And there are abusers out there who damage their submissives, and are sadistic and dangerous. Good for dominants to somehow get vetted, learn the ropes, and bear a modicum of sensible benevolence in their execution of my slavery.

But I have a slight problem with “benevolent dominance,” though it’s more semantic than anything.

Many of the dictionary meanings of the word “benevolent” suggest “kindness.” That’s the thing: while I want a dominant who is ethical in his uses of me, I don’t want my dom to be kind to me. Not really.

BDSM and D/s are, almost by definition, a life that hurts. I don’t mean in terms of physical punishment and discipline, although that can be part of it. Even the most simple requirements placed upon me as a submissive are things I might rather not do, and in that sense they restrict me or make me do that which I don’t prefer.

There is discomfort even in the bare minimum of submissive obedience that, in a sense, “hurts.” I stand for half an hour bearing a tray of coffee for my mistress. While simple, it’s not what I would otherwise do as a free woman. In heels, my legs tire and grow numb. The submissive requirement is a restriction and a discomfort. But I do it because I’m commanded to do the uncomfortable and demeaning task.

There is the “hurt” of degradation as I am displayed pussy-bare in a bay window to the whole neighborhood. Humiliation hurts even when it is submissively fulfilling in its strange way.

There’s the “hurt” of my wearing a collar for the rest of my life. The “hurt” of my being dressed (or half-dressed) by another person every day. The “hurt” of being seen and labeled as a sex slave.

There’s nothing nice or kind about submission and dominance, and the dominant I most respond to will not hesitate to be severe with me and force me into the hurt.

---

I am attracted to the dominant man who pursues what he wants, not what I want.

I am attracted to a dominant man who has the fortitude to ignore my tears.

I am attracted to the dominant man who sees me as a means to his own pleasures.

I am attracted to a dom who finds pleasure in degrading me, knowing that my own submissive need, God help me, requires that.