notes to a younger me 17: relationships and labels

The D/s relationship is different from any existing models of relationship. I think it’s beautiful and profound. At the same time, it’s been the hardest thing for me to learn in my life of slavery.


In my early weeks and months with Amanda, I often wrote about the ambiguity of what I was to her — slave or friend or lover or assistant or servant or yet something else. It bothered me for a long while that I didn’t have a single name or label for our relationship. As it happened, I never really figured that out, except to realize at some point I was all of the above. She wanted me to be each of those to her at different times.

I still wrestle with this sometimes. Having a label for the relationship we’re in feels necessary. It’s a way in which we find and know ourselves. I am “significant,” is the subtext — and so I matter because I am Amanda’s “girlfriend.” Yet Amanda doesn’t want my place and purpose in her life to be so neatly defined. That’s not just her — it’s every dom. He/she wants to have you in various relationships without adhering to just one.

I have learned to let go of that need for a label, although it’s been hard — in a way it’s a relinquishment of my self. Of course, in D/s, that’s sort of the point. We must relinquish relational labels as part of our submission.

I expect, dear one, that you’ll struggle with this just as I have. I found that it becomes easier over time. If you are fortunate, as I have been, you’ll settle into life with your dom and feel more sense of security. You won’t need to define yourself with him so much. It’ll happen naturally.

These days there are times in the vanilla public when I respond to a query about the relationship of Amanda and me. “I am with her,” I say. It is undefined, as is our relationship these days, not stating any specific role or tag or label. It’s ambiguous, certainly, and yet it may be the most accurate description of all.

I have imagined at times the proverbial end of life — my tombstone alongside Amanda’s — and I’ve thought it would be interesting for my epitaph to read, “I was with her.”


In D/s often there is a negotiation up front in which you and your dom might define the relationship in a specific way: as friend + slave, as wife + slave. Well enough and good to do so. But what happens in daily practice often changes that original intent and introduces new forms of relationship, perhaps friend + toy + slave. The fact is your dom will have you as he wants you, making you into any number of relationships with him over time.

We submissives long to be significant and important to our dom, and so we yearn for those relational definitions that say so. I painfully realized this with Michael early on, for in my first time with him, I wanted to define the relationship as romantic. He realized, rightly, that wasn’t true D/s life. I wanted D/s, I wanted to be his slave, yet I couched it entirely within a relationship of romantic intimacy. Yes, Michael felt for me romantically and saw me as his girlfriend, but he also knew that a real D/s life would put me with him as his servant and masseuse and fucktoy and slave as well. To be a D/s slave, he needed me in such a way that he didn’t have to explain or justify such uses, so to speak, to “his girlfriend.” He realized my commitment to a D/s life was “romantic-primary” with the D/s part secondary.

I learned that lesson back then, but had to learn a version of it again another time.

Early on with Amanda, my desire to define our relationship by certain labels was really just my desire to control her — how I expected her to think of “me with her.” Saying “I am her girlfriend” may have its practical purpose in conversation, but in a subtle way it might presume that’s how she should think of me.

Relationship labels also become a submissive’s wishful way of limiting her dom. In saying to someone “I am her lover,” it subtly implies Amanda is limited to lovemaking with me, when in fact in the context of our D/s relationship, she has every freedom to enjoy whomever she wants sexually.

That’s hard for me to accept — which is why at a time I was obsessive about those relationship labels.


It’s tempting to say that D/s is a relationship without strings. Yet that’s not true. Every relationship has strings — when two people connect, there are trusts and expectations and obligations.

But I think it is fair to say D/s is a relationship that defies labels. Vanilla relationships seem to depend on them. D/s relationships seem to disregard them.

See, I think the best relationships in life, vanilla too, ultimately transcend labels. You hear this in interviews with older couples who’ve been married for decades. As they talk, you sense their deep relationship is not captured in the label “husband and wife.” They may say they are “best friends,” and sure that’s true too, but you can tell what they have come to together is far beyond that and occupies a space where there are no words capable of expressing their truth. It’s beautiful.

At it’s best, I think, the D/s relationship pushes away the usual labels and definitions and becomes something else, something really transcendent.

I so wish this for you, dear one, as I wish it for me.

letter to Jayden

This is adapted from an email I recently wrote to my friend Jayden. I have edited out some of the personal content, showing the gaps with ellipses…

Jayden is a submissive, 27, and is entering a 24/7 in January with a dominant man whom she’s been with for a while. I met her back in September when Amanda and I were scouting real estate in the Denver area; Jayden and I talked on the phone since, and we had coffee again the week before Thanksgiving.

Jayden asked if I would write some general advice for her, “perhaps some practical things, tips for new slaves.” Posted here with her permission.


Dear Jayden,

Hello, beautiful. Much already for us to catch up on. Have to hear more of your family news… Want to share with you my Thanksgiving with Mom, but best when we get together next. Just to say here, it was complicated but good. Deep sigh.

Happy to offer you whatever advice I can, but this is all terribly subjective and somewhat blind. I know only my own journey and to a lesser extent the journeys of a handful of others. Each is different. And yours will be unique in ways I cannot know… You’ve told me some things about [your master], and Amanda speaks well of him, but I don’t dare to understand who he is…. Yes, we’ll have time to talk more when we get together again at Tattered Cover. Eager to hear more about your plans, more about him, and what’s ahead….

…I would just say that living with someone who owns you is quite different from periodically being dommed by someone who plays with you. I know you know this and are prepared for your life ahead. Then again, I might suggest you don’t really know it until you’re in it 24/7….


The first advice I’d offer is about your daily life as a slave. You’ll find there’s a lot of “down time.”

He will have his pleasure with you plenty, of course, and more than you experience now part-time with him. But twenty-four hours is a lot of time to fill. Yes, you will be a slave to him every minute of your life, but he will not be present with you every minute of your life. He has a life and a day job. (That’s a reality you’ll come to: you live your life for him, and he lives his life for — him.)

He will find ways to dominate you when he’s absent: having you dressed or undressed a certain way or trained to sit a certain way or wear makeup a certain way — you will be “his” as he wishes and you’ll feel his “hand” all over you. Yet often he will not be present. You’ll be aware of his dominance, and yet there’s nothing he actually has for you to do. There will be a lot of time in which he will not have an order for you to follow or a command for you to obey. You’ll be surprised at how many hours you’ll have without anything from him to do.

So this is my advice, seemingly counter-intuitive: you need to get yourself a life, girlfriend. That seems confusing because you think you just gave your life to him. True. But at the same time, you need to fill your life in ways you can with things you genuinely enjoy, things that give your life meaning.

Lord knows I do not claim to understand the dominant mind, but Amanda has shared with me some of her dominant psyche. The simple fact of the matter is that it can be a lot of work and a significant burden for a dominant to absolutely control a slave’s life 24/7. Some doms and dommes control more, some less. But no master has the capacity to fill every moment with submissive stuff to do.

So you have to grow your own personal interests to occupy you meaningfully each day. For you it’s probably your art. And I know you worked out with [your master] about your career in art and what you hope to do…. which is absolutely great. Doggedly pursue that. But I’m talking more about your day-to-day, the stretches of slave time that you’ll have to fill.

It will actually be a relief to [your master] if he knows, when he’s done using you, that he doesn’t have to have a program for the hours of your life afterward. And the more you make of yourself, the more pleasure he will take in dominating you….


Some advice sounds so superficial, yet it’s just a reality in the slave life, and it matters.

How you look to him and to others in his life is important to him. Your appearance, almost every moment, is important. He owns a car, and I assume he takes pride in it, probably frequently having it washed and waxed. You are his property and, like his car, he has a desire for you to look your beautiful best.

I am in this place right now with Amanda, who, as I told you, is literally shaping my body to her specifications. I told you about my piercings and her further plans that way, and also her intention for doing electrolysis on my pussy and pubis and vulva. You had talked your experience with laser treatment…. But with Mistress this goes more and more now to what I wear and how I do my hair and my makeup. Every day, every moment. I am her pride.… The point is, because your life is now going to be 24/7, your appearance will become kind of a 24/7 activity.

Jayden, you are naturally beautiful, and I imagine you probably look fabulous even as you roll out of bed in the morning (damn you, girl!). You seem always so very desirable to look at… but, OK, I’m off-topic (you have me distracted and you’re not even here!) The thing is, I don’t know your routine, but I would suggest you not take this for granted. It’s important.

I don’t know what to what extent your master will enjoy having you wear various outfits. (I would, if I were him, that is enjoy… but there I go again…) Amanda likes to dress me and enjoys me in different outfits during the day at different times. I become for her a progressive fashion show, a veritable runway of Shae styles. If it were a real runway, I’d stumble like the klutz I am and fall.

Anyway, being dressed and undressed is part of the D/s experience of objectifying and sexualizing me, which Miss A enjoys to no end. Again, I don’t know what [your master] will prefer. Maybe it will be left for you to dress for him in various ways he likes.

Anyway, in this life appearance matters.


Another advice is to find ways to replenish yourself. I confess I’ve been terrible about this for long stretches of time in my slaveries but have embraced it more in the past, say, six months. Amanda has encouraged this.

As extremely submissive as you and I are and as fulfilling we find the life of submission to be, it takes its toll and depletes us in various ways. We need to replenish ourselves, especially our sense of worth and value.

This is all the more necessary in 24/7. As it is now, you have eons of time between your “events” with him. He plays with you, uses you, and you both go to your separate corners, homes — you return to your vanilla life and he to his. There is time there for you to re-establish your ground of being, to be affirmed by others, and to recycle your personal energy.

In January, you will be in slavery every moment. He won’t actively use you every minute, but you will feel it almost every minute, and you won’t have your other home to go to. Your social life will be more oriented to you as a sub-slave, and you’ll be seen as such, treated more by people as his property. You will be objectified, sexualized, and in various ways degraded. This is part of the life you yourself desire, and it will be thrilling to you as a submissive. It’s our drug, our high.

But it takes a lot out of you. So you need to replenish. I can’t tell you what is best for you in this area, but I can tell you a few things that are helpful to me.

So, Jayden, I keep a small book of quotes. These are affirmations I get from people in my life. I remember comments said, and I record them when I can in my little black book. I note who said it to me, and when. I include everything, all kinds of comments, from “You make a good martini” to “Shae, you have a nice set of tits,” to “You have a fun sense of humor.” I record who said it, and why, and what the occasion was. Later, in the midst of a tough period, a long stretch of degradations, I turn to my book and remind myself of some things that others say are good about me.

I also see a counselor, Jillian. I think probably most people in life ought to be in counseling, but certainly subs and slaves need to be. Jillian is a professional, certified, but also in the lifestyle herself. She specializes in counseling submissives and dominants. I can hook you up with her, if you wish.

I also think that developing a social life outside of the lifestyle is important, and yet that’s been the hardest thing for me to do. It may be different now that we’re in Denver. For a while I was in a book group where we used to live, but that turned out to be a disaster, and I didn’t continue. I have some friendships with Amanda’s co-workers in her office, but now we are distant from them.

I think the ideal is that you have some vanilla friends who accept you for what you are and understand the lifestyle you’ve chosen. But those are hard to come by… You’d mentioned conversations with friends at [graduate school], and maybe that’s a start…. More to discuss at Tattered Cover….


A final advice I might offer for now is a bit hard to define. It’s about your will and being self-aware.

This was something my former Master Michael explained to me early in my slavery to him. He said that he has no interest in a submissive without a will of her own. He actually prefers a girl who is strong-willed, but relinquishes her will to him, then proceeds in her submission to him, fully cognizant of what she is giving up to his dominance. He wanted, in every moment, someone to conquer.

A dominant doesn’t want a weak slave. He also doesn’t want defiance or insubordination, but he values a slave who has strength and will. He enjoys her more as she cedes that to him. His dominance is pleasured as she is then deeply present in his humiliation of her. He wants to know she feels it.

I think that over time this is a dynamic in a D/s relationship that becomes a kind of partnership. Of course, as a slave you are respectful of the hierarchy that exists, but you both are participating in the execution of the slavery. That takes time, but it happens, and it’s a beautiful thing when it does.

That will become part of the evolution of your relationship with him.

The thing, Jayden love, just don’t ever get to a place where you think you need to become passive, without a will of your own. Submit yourself, but don’t lose yourself. Your submissiveness is valuable precisely because you are a person of strength and know exactly what you are giving yourself to.


Oh, there’s so much more to say and talk about…. Nice that we are close enough now that we can have coffee or lunch — apparently Amanda and [your master] have intentions to get us all together….

I hope this is helpful, Jayden. Prayers for your brother…

Warmest feelings,

Shae

q&a on writing

Questions on how I write.

What do you enjoy writing most: fiction or non-fiction (this blog)?

A great question. The simple answer is that it goes back and forth.

Writing the blog is a submissive experience for me. I am sharing my submissive mind, heart, body, and sex before a crowd of watchers and followers. It’s very intimate for me. Writing the blog pushes all my submissive buttons, which is arousing to me, yet also can make me feel exposed and embarrassed — submissive experiences. On this blog, my sub/sex life is public, being lived out in front of others. So it becomes an extension of my slavery. And I think Mistress and Master know that and is a reason they carve out a lot of liberty for me to do this. It serves their dominant purposes too.

I think writing the blog is good for me. I’ve just written about self-care, and writing online is a form of therapy in a way. I love doing it.

However, writing the blog every day, which I try to do, is also tiring. Well, it’s more that I get tired of myself, reading my own voice on the page over and over. So sometimes I need a break, and I spend more time on fiction.

Actually I’m writing fiction all the time, but I focus on it more at times when blog writing gets tiresome. Fiction pieces take a lot more to develop and are longer, so I post them infrequently. Actually I write a lot more fiction than I ever post. I also write fiction that has nothing to do with sex or D/s or this lifestyle. I like relational stories and have played with genres, including currently an espionage novel.

My lifestyle fiction allows me to play out scenarios I might not ever experience. (Though who knows? Never say never.) Many involve characters that are fragments of myself. Some are fantasies I actually have, or dreams I remember.

What’s meaningful to me in writing both my blog and my lifestyle fiction is to express the inner experience of submission and dominance and relationship within in those dynamics.

How long does it take you to write a blog post?

There are events I report on, experiences I re-experience, and then ideas within my day-to-day slavery that take more time to develop.

This morning the event was Amanda wanting to talk with me about self-care. Later in the day I wrote about it in roughly an hour. Then I walked away from it (well was whisked away by Master K), and came back to it later on. I remembered a few more things then, added them in, edited myself, then posted. Maybe two, three hours overall. But this is reporting something that is just literally what happened.

The experience, say for example, of my personal times with Mistress Amanda take more time, as I’m trying to convey not only the “event” of it but my inner feelings and experience of her, and of me and her in relationship. It takes a lot to convey inner feelings and the chemistry of relationships. Especially with her. (God, especially with her!) These posts may get a first draft in a couple hours but maybe take several more hours over some days to really deepen and enrich the truth of them.

Then there are idea pieces, such as my recent piece on self-care or my blog titled “slut.” These I often spend more time developing in my head than they take actually to write, so it’s hard to say. Sometimes they take more time because I am well aware I am giving advice to people out there and I want to be responsible and accurate in what I say. So these may take a couple hours for a first draft, but get worked on over and over for a number of days.

How much time each day do you write?

Many mornings I awaken early and write for an hour and a half before the day starts for Master and Mistress. There are exceptions to that, as sometimes they have early plans for me. But early mornings, between five and seven are the richest writing times for me.

I usually have time late morning to write and then some afternoon time to write. In the evenings I am usually filled (literally) by Master and Mistress but sometimes I have a block of time to write, though usually I’m too tired.

I look for blocks of two hours as choice segments for writing. Of course, Master and Mistress sometimes take me to work with them or use me (Amanda) during lunch hours or happy hours. I flex. But I usually find three or four hours each day to write.

There are days, maybe once every two weeks, when the stars align and I can write for much of the day. I love that.

What are the greatest challenges for you writing this blog?

I feel that my mission in writing this blog, my duty for myself and others, is to effectively express the deep, complex, and unique experience that a submissive lifestyle is. Doing that seems ever elusive and impossible, though I keep trying.

I am blessed with a good memory, especially when I am focused in an experience or when the experience is utterly intense for me. I don’t have a photographic memory, by any means, but I can play it back in some way. I remember really well what was said — I captue dialogue in my head — and I also remeber what my body feels, and my emotions in those moments. I cobble it together somehow.

But the elsuive goal is always capturing the essence of an experience. That’s always a daunting challenge.

I also feel challenged in understanding the dominant experience and motivation. I know my dominants enjoy seeing my submissive need, my helplessness, and my humiliation. But in writing I don’t really know what makes them what they are. Well, in life I don’t know what makes them what they are — they challenge and stymie me.

What’s your best strength as a writer?

God, I don’t know. I only hope that something I write is helpful or stimulating or arousing or meaningful. Something.

What’s your primary weakness as a writer?

I can get condescending and “preachy.” I work hard to rewrite and edit this out, Sometimes I just want to “tell” rather than “show.” Not good writing form.

What do you wish you could do on your blog but can’t?

I admire other bloggers who can write a short entry, even just a paragraph, that is meaningful, observant, and short and sweet.

I start writing and it’s just a profusion of words. It gets long. I’m too wordy. Sigh.

Do you have a particular approach to writing sex scenes?

I really don’t approach it as writing “sex scenes,” per se. Writing my blog, of course, it’s not a “sex scene” to me, but rather the sex I actually experience. So I recapture sexually and emotionally my own memories of it and try to render that in words.

My approach to writing fictional sex is really to put myself into the scene — what would I experience sexually? How would I respond? Usually my fiction is first person and the character is an extension of myself in some way, so that becomes easier.

But capturing the experience of sex in words is difficult for any writer.

One mistake some writers make is to try to show the scene literally. The more effective way to write sex is to write it as prose-poetry, using poetic language and evocative imagery. The point is to capture the experience of sex, not to depict the act of sex. There is a visual aspect to the scene, for sure, but that needs to be tied to feelings and meanings.

What’s the hardest thing for you to write about?

My own orgasms. Maybe orgasms in general, but especially my own. Maybe because it’s so utterly intimate, and writing about myself that way is so exposing.

I think we tend to think of an orgasm as a physical response, but it’s much more than that. The complex of emotion and sensation and desire and fantasy is almost impossible to capture in words.

Also, as women know, there are so many kinds of orgasms and they thrill different parts of our bodies to different degrees. My orgasm may sometimes be quiet and subtle, yet that’s not to say it’s not absolutely extraordinary. It happens that more often than not, I tend to be more physically obvious when I climax — my body expresses it — and that plays better on the page, but it’s not always a reflection of my core, of the depth of my climax.

In my blog, I try to be, and I think I am, truthful about my own sexual experience. But in fiction, there tends to be an obligation for the climax of the story to be the climax of the heroine. The come together, so to speak.

So this is complex. Much more to say about it all. But my own orgasms are very difficult to write about.

Do you write with attention to what gets you viewers of your website?

Truthfully, no, though I understand the temptation to do so. Others are good at that, but I’m not.

I have such little control of my own life and control of my writing times to pay attention to when others are tuning in. Some days I simply can’t write, because of my slave duties. I have no idea of how to “juice” the metrics of my blog. I have a following, which is gratifying, but I simply don’t have the ability or freedom to pay attention to the statistics.

I write because I want to write. I write about my life to express my submission and slavery. I don’t mean to sound particularly noble, but I don’t think much about numbers.

shae care

After I posted “self-care” Saturday, Amanda brings it up over coffee Sunday morning. She has read my post. She tells me she wants to apologize to me for not doing more.

“I didn’t mean to cast any blame,” I say.

“You didn’t. I didn’t take any of it that way. But, I’m your mistress. and—

“Goddess,” I say.

She smiles. “And… goddesses should monitor the health of their minions better,” she says.

“I’m now a minion?”

“You’re a minion.”

“Good to know,” I say. “I’ll add it to my list.”

She ignores my sarcasm. “I didn’t think enough about your relocation. How that disrupted so much of what you had in place.”

I tell her that, honestly, I had let a lot of things slide long before she took me. I also say that I myself was convicted by my own post to make some changes.

“Maybe we can work on it together,” she says. She is bright and eager, and suddenly I feel we’re in an episode of Friends, with me as Rachel and Mistress as Phoebe. Although we look nothing like them, it’s like we’re sitting at Central Perk solving my life problem of the week.

But actually it’s nice. Really nice that Amanda is involved like this. And cares. So we spend a couple hours talking about my taking my own advice in the post. She helps me come up with some action steps. We follow the five areas I wrote about:

1. People life. Amanda has two friends, both women, who are lifestyle-friendly, whom she wants to introduce me to. She’s not saying either of those two will be the answer here, or even my best friends, but they know others and I would be included in some of their social activities that would help me meet others. In time Amanda thinks I will develop my own relationships out of this. I’m somewhat doubtful, but it’s something, a start, and I’m open.

2. Body life. We talk awhile about how we both hate health clubs. Amanda belongs to one but never goes. I say that maybe we just prompt each other to go to her health club, but then I’m grateful when Amanda says, “No, if we do that, we’ll just make ourselves hate each other.”

We talk some more and agree that we both like hiking. I ask if for me that has to be topless hiking. “You make it sound,” Amanda says, “like that’s a bad thing.” So her answer is yes. But it’s exercise.

There’s a bike in the back garage, she informs me. So I might do some bike-riding now that the weather is getting warmer. I would actually like that.

Amanda also has volunteered to get me into her spa once a month. “You need a day to pamper yourself,” she says. “It’s not four-star, but it’s clean and they have all the services.” That will be sooo nice.

3. Self life. I said this was really the easiest one for me to follow through on. “I’ll make a call Monday to my therapist in the Springs,” I say. So tomorrow I’ll see if I can still get onto a schedule with her for phone sessions. Should have done this long ago.

4. God life. Amanda says, “I can’t help you there.” When I was in the Springs, I had a unique opportunity that spoke into this part of me. I’ll be writing on this later. For now, I have no answer for this.

5. Interior life. This is the one area where I’m kinda already doing well. Writing this blog is itself major therapy for me. I’m reading a lot. Amanda says there’s a regional community college here that’s small but has a lot of interesting elective classes. So maybe there’s something there. I’ll look into it.

We finish the pot of coffee. Amanda has errands to run and a friend to meet for lunch. “I’ll make a call,” she says, “and get you a spa date. And I’ll connect you to some of my friends, but you’ll have to follow through.” The hiking is the one thing she wants us to do together. But she stresses the importance of my doing much of this alone, without her. “Besides,” she says, “you don’t need your goddess to hover over you.”

“I need to hang out with other minions,” I reply.

“Exactly,” she says, laughing.

I feel better having some steps to take. It’s usually so easy for me to put off doing these things. Having a checklist motivates me. Who knows if it’ll all happen or work out or stick after a few months. But I know it’s important to try. We’ll see.

letter to my submissive friend

This is my correspondence with Chelsea, a submissive, whom I’ve known for almost two years. She has recently decided to enter into a 24/7 slave arrangement. In her letter to me she was announcing this new slavery and some specifics hat have been worked out.

For conetxt I should point out that her slavery, like mine, does not derive from a prior relationship. It is a placement process, though based on personal interactions and time together. It comes out of a community of dominants and submissives that she and I are part of.

I am posting this with her permission. I have also made edits and deletions of personal information to protect her and other identities. These edits are noted in brackets.

 

[Preliminary greetings.]

So happy for you, Chels, to hear your excellent news! Your letter brought me back to our time in Denver. You were questioning yourself and your degree of submissiveness when it was perfectly obvious to me as I talked with you how extremely sub you are and how much you need it. But I’m not making fun. It took me five years to come to an understanding of my own submissiveness, even though it was so very deep and pregnant in me. I was so slow to figure it out. What I realized later was that the most important thing is not the actual decision but the process of getting there.

[I have edited out a paragraph here that speaks about the dominant(s) who have acquired Chelsea, with whom she will start her slavery. For confidentiality, I’m changing ongoing references to “they.” It’s not to imply that she is going to be serving a couple or specifically a man or a woman. It’s just to keep the identity/identities private.]

Of course I’m very happy to answer your questions, Chels, and offer you whatever advice I can. I wish it could be in person, perhaps in Aspen, like that brief time we had, which is so close to here. Let me know if there’s any chance for that, as I’d love to see you anyway, and I’m sure my Mistress would give me liberty. We could meet at Victoria’s again, perhaps. I’ll offer my thoughts here anyway, but would love to see you again.

In giving advice I’m often cautious because I feel I’m still learning so much myself and don’t quite yet have the experience that qualifies me. And also, it goes without saying there are a lot of different kinds of D/s relationships and slaveries, and I don’t want to advise anyone in way that’s ill-fitting to the specific arrangement they’re in. But I know you, Chels, and now a little about your new slavery about to happen, so I’ll dare to share some things in answer to your questions.

You ask about having doubts. I think that’s common, especially when entering a 24/7. And even once in it, you’ll occasionally wonder why you’re doing this. That has happened to me even after a couple of years. It will happen to you. This is not a decision you will ever regret, but it will be one you sometimes question. It’s a wonderful life but it’s not heaven; it’s deeply satisfying, but it’s still daily life. I find my doubt rises up in those fallow periods when nothing is happening and I’m left to myself for long stretches.

I always wear a collar and sometimes a leash; I walk around the house this way. (Mistress likes hearing the metal leash drag on the wood floor.) But often no one is here but me. If no one is around for long stretches of time, if no one actually holds my leash and leads me, then I’m just wearing a collar and leash, which feel useless and silly. When I am led, I have a purpose and know my place.

That (collar and leash) is literally true for me, but there’s also a metaphor in there somewhere about the general pattern of the slave life and those periods of time when you aren’t being actively dominated and led. Those times will be there for you Chels, and that’s when you may start to wonder why you’re in the life, why your leash is dragging on the floor.

I might recommend you write a letter to yourself at this point of things before you enter your slavery, and keep it in a drawer. Pull it out and read it in those future moments of doubt. You might write about how you realized how deep your submissiveness is. How you know you need a life of submission to be fulfilled and happy. You might include something you and I have talked about: how the vanilla world is disappointing and middling and never fulfilling for us. Tell yourself in this letter that your choice has been intentional and daring, that know that the life will be hard and humiliating, but also beautifully fulfilling. When you start to doubt, pull out this letter and let your current self be a counselor to your future self in those moments of questioning.

[Edited out a paragraph referring to Chelsea’s new dominant(s), locations, and their profession(s).]

I only ask about that to answer your question about what to expect in your first weeks in your new slavery.  (My experience with Master K and Mistress Amanda was that they had taken time off work the full week before acquiring me, and once I was moved, had to catch up on work in their businesses. Thus I hardly saw them my first week! I don’t think that’ll be an issue for you.)

Maybe the most meaningful thought I have is this: Just be yourself. The tendency is to want to be a perfect slave, especially in the beginning weeks. You and I want to please. We will do anything to please. Noble, but it leads you to be someone other than yourself, someone more posed and postured than you really are. Slavery is not about playing the role of a slave. It’s about you being the true submissive you are. So let your personality show. You will be learning so much about them in your first weeks, but your dominant(s) also are learning about you. In the first weeks, they will give you space to learn and forgiveness for mistakes and transgressions.

One of my natural foibles is my streak of clumsiness. Put a tray in my hands and I’m a female Mr. Bean waiting to happen. When I was first with Master Michael, I had my share of fumbles. But he found it amusing, maybe a little cute or charming or something in a Pretty Woman sort of way, and he persisted to hand me the tray and teach me some tips for doing better. And I have done better. I’m sure he still held his breath sometimes when he threw a party and I was serving drinks. But he valued me for being a real woman, not a mannequin servant.

So, relax and allow yourself to be yourself. They need to know what your true personality is, your habits, weaknesses, hidden skills, and talents. Let yourself be known up front. You are beautiful and delightful. Don’t hide that from them. Then as time goes on they will tailor their dominance of you to who you really are.

Now you say there’s some confusion about when your starting day will be. Perhaps that’s figured out by now, anyway, whenever you start, realize that your new dominant(s) will be eager to use you and will use you a lot. And I mean in every way. I think it’s true for most dominants, even experienced ones, when they take on a new slave. Frankly, you’re to them, like getting a new car. They will want to drive it everywhere — they’ll even use the car just to drive down the driveway to the mailbox. They’ll be excited to have you and and will be trying you out.

Just give yourself to their excitement about you at first. Don’t assume that any pattern or frequency of anything — serving, bondage, sex — in the first weeks will be normal. Things will eventually find a more even pattern. Over time, you’ll learn about how life will be with them. And it will be good for you.

The first few weeks will involve a kind of ongoing negotiation between you and them. Now, in a true slavery you aren’t given the authority to negotiate anything formally; the big things are probably already negotiated and known. But at the beginning especially, there will be necessary talk about the practical things of daily life — morning routines, tasks and chores, meals, answering the door and taking phone calls, finances, bedtimes, and a zillion other details of life. Your dominant(s) will tell you what they expect from you, but they’ll also ask you about your patterns and needs and habits — and they will defer to much of that. In a way, they are negotiating their lives to fit in with your life.

Sometime in the second week of my slavery to her, Mistress Amanda and I were at the grocery store. She placed an eggplant in our cart. She casually asked me, “You like eggplant, don’t you?” I replied, “No, not really, but I will if you serve it.” She put the eggplant back on the produce shelf. It was an informal negotiation. Those are simple things, but there will be a lot of it in your first weeks. A tip: you might ask your dominant(s) if you can keep a notebook handy for notes. Capture details and study them later.

You ask also, just in general, for any pieces of advice for your slavery long-term.

So, the thing most of us don’t understand entering slavery is how much down time — free time — there is. You are their slave, for sure, and they will use you plenty, for sure, but you will have what you will perceive as a lot of personal, alone, and self time to figure out what to do with. Your dominant(s) won’t have an activity program each day mapping out every hour and block of time (Thank god!)

So, it’s important, as you live the slave life, to also live your own life. I fill my time with reading and writing. You are such an artist, and I would encourage you to use your down time to paint. And perhaps do other things. Explore other arts or interests.

This benefits your dominant(s) as well. They may feel pressure to keep you busy 24/7. The “program schedule” is understandably ridiculous, but keeping you dominated “enough” can be a burden to them. It’s a lot of responsibility to keep you as their slave. If you have other interests, your own life and pursuits, then it relieves them of that pressure. They know you can be self-motivated. You’re not just standing and waiting for the next order. They know you can retreat to your reading or painting. This can be part of the grease that creates grace in the daily relationship.

Maybe related to that thread is a phrase I picked up from somewhere: Participate in your own slavery. I can define this best through a personal example with Master Michael. He was teaching me how to walk while leashed behind him. (By the way, being walked on a leash is a training that is about a lot more than being walked on a leash.) At some point in my leash-walking training, after receiving lots of specific orders, I asked Master Michael if there were situations in which he preferred me to walk to his side rather than behind him. It was my own curiosity that went beyond knowing the rules.

In that moment he realized that, by my asking the question, I was trying to help the cause of my own service to him, that I wanted to know more about how I could serve him better. I started to do the same thing in other areas of my slavery. Especially in entertaining — my hostessing the small group parties he loved doing so much — I would ask him how he would like me to serve drinks or appetizers and even how he wanted me to be presented to them. By asking such questions, I was saying to him I cared about how he wanted me, as his slave, to come across to them. That I wanted to make him proud, not only follow instructions. This was significant in my life with him going forward.

You’ll have to find your way on this. There is some danger in this coming across as topping from the bottom, but if you can approach it submissively enough, it’ll be a significant and welcome thing for your dominant(s). It separates you from being that “robot slave” who simply is programmed with instructions and if-then statements. It says to your dominant(s) that you are participating and contributing to your own slavery.

[Deleted paragraph referring to Chelsea’s dominant(s) and some specifics of previous experience.]

So, Chels, there is one other thing I’ll leave with you. I’m not sure I can explain it, but it has to do with what kind of slave you will be to them.

When people call me a “sex slave,” a part of me is amused because it suggests that in this lifestyle there is just one kind of slave. It represents the assumption that sub-slavery is always about sex. In fact we know there are many different types of slaveries. We can put names to some of them — servant, assistant, hostess, art object, model, bartender, handmaiden, pet, sex toy, and so on. But in fact it’s not just even those specific roles that are being figured out. It may be combinations of two or three of those; it may be other roles less definable and very subtle. It will eventually be some combination of your dominant(s) need and desires and your skills and personality. Ultimately you will develop with them a “slave style” that you fit and they rpefer.

That is never formally negotiated because it can barely be expressed in words. But at the beginning especially, it will start to be a background process with you and them.

I am almost three months in to my new slavery and this is still being figured out. With Mistress Amanda, I am a blend of almost everything to her, which is confusing in a way, but consistent for me now in that I know the confusion and the blend. I believe Master K and I are still working out what I am to him. It may simply be sexual, as it has happened so far, and that would be fine. But I think we are still “negotiating” my place in his life long-term.

I’m not sure quite how to articulate this better. I know it’s vague. In part I think what I’m saying is that there’s a lot in slavery that can’t be defined — it just develops organically. Some in the lifestyle try to define slavery in contracts and lists of duties and actions and positions. And there’s some value in that, especially for setting expectations. But ultimately a slavery is not a spreadsheet. It becomes its own living thing from the intercourse of the dominant and submissive. It is something that develops, often through a living negotiation, often silent, of persons connected through this radical, relationship of complete control and relinquishment of will.

Oh, so much more to say. Again, I congratulate you, Chels, so happy for you. Let me know if Aspen is a possibility, although I know your time now is short. Be well.

Love you,
Shae