immersion

I flew to Colorado last weekend. That it’s been so long since I last posted here testifies to the fact that I’ve — well, let’s just say I’ve been immersed in the submissive life once again. Gloriously so.

At the airport, Amanda leashed me in the parking garage and walked me to our car. On the way home, she had me unbutton my top and pull it open as she drove the interstate. At the house, Patty and John Miller were waiting with a welcome bottle of Pinot Gris. Collared and leashed, I sat by Amanda’s feet as we talked.

Home again.


I am struck by how easily and eagerly I slip back under the warm waters of the submissive life.

I’ve been kept slave-busy enough, but the fuller joy is not in the doing but in the being. I love waking up into my slavery, knowing that my day is not my own and relinquishing myself to how I will somehow be used. I thrill to be standing with the coffee tray in my usual spot at 7:15, awaiting my mistress who is intentionally late in showing up. I luxuriate in the bath of submissive obedience as I resume the simple chores I once had.

I guess some of this is because, out here, there’s no other responsibility I have. That is, I don’t have to think of mothering my mother, filling prescriptions, planning medical appointments. Nothing pulls me out of my submissive space. Not even for a moment.


Not that there haven’t been experiences this first week back home.

Amanda and the Millers have had me at the wet bar, of course, and I’ve served scones and such at a neighborhood tea. Amanda and I had an interesting outing at a Christmas tree farm, with me in a short coat and nothing else underneath. It’s been too cold to put me out on the dog run, though she’s walked me on a leash around the block almost every day.

But mostly I’ve just been immersed in the life of being submissive, existing in a state of subservience and docile obedience. Amanda says I am unusually angst-free, especially compliant. Kitten-like, she says.

I’m not sure if she prefers me this way or would like more of a challenge.


The “doing” side of my submission, events of sexual submission, will start to happen, as early as today.

This afternoon, I have my “date” with Blake, as Amanda insists on calling it. On Monday I go to spend the week with Master McKenna. Next weekend, Amanda has scheduled a dinner with a lifestyle-friendly client during which she intends to introduce me as her slave girl. There will be another bay-window night, this time with wassail being served. And Amanda is planning a Christmas party for the neighborhood.

So, my slave schedule will accelerate in short time, and I’ll be doing my submission once again..

But for now I’ll quietly sink into this bath of submissive being.

a neighbor’s comment

When I was in Colorado last time, I remember a question that one of the neighbors asked at the tea. I was in the kitchen assembling the tiered server with mini-scones. (We have taken to these smaller bite-sized pastries over the larger ones. People seem to be hesitant to take the full-sized scones — they are big — not wanting so much, and they feel it inappropriate to break off just a part of one. So, the mini-scones are more popular at the tea, although Amanda and I are sure that folks eat more “scone” in total with the minis.)

One of the neighbors had used the bathroom and upon her return stopped briefly in the kitchen to ask me this question: “Is it hard for you back in Pennsylvania, not being in your place as you are here? I mean, as a sex slave.”

I answered her, saying that yes, out in PA, I miss Amanda, of course, and I feel a little aimless. I spoke of my mother and how that was a lot to deal with yet rewarding — all things I’ve expressed here on the blog — but I added something about feeling in my submissive life in CO that I have purpose, which is missing in PA.

My response was something like that, and it didn’t go any further, as the time was brief and the moment had passed. But since then, I have recalled that conversation, thinking it notable in several ways.


Primarily, I find it interesting that this neighbor had used the term “sex slave” to identify me. This is in fact true of me, of course, and I don’t feel any anguish over her using it of me. Her tone was genuine and friendly. It just made me realize how far this neighbor has come in understanding this lifestyle and what I am. And I have to assume others have evolved to some depth of awareness about me as well.

I also find it notable that she felt comfortable calling me a sex slave in front of me. Not only does she understand (and seemingly accept) that I am a woman living in a submissive life that is quite openly sexual, but that I am myself comfortable being addressed as such. She assumed (correctly) that I wouldn’t be offended by her calling me a sex slave to my face. I think it takes some maturity and comprehension to use the term casually with me as a point of description not disparagement.


It is apparent to me that in my absence for most of eight months, Amanda has maintained and furthered relationships with the neighborhood. She has continued the monthly teas. Social butterfly that she is, she’s socialized with them in their homes, parties and summer BBQs and such. I have to think Amanda has, in her understated way, been creating in them a mind-space of increased acceptance of us, and of me in absentia.

This one neighbor’s comment makes me think that, during my hiatus, they all have had more time to assimilate the oddity that Amanda and I initially represented, to normalize us in their minds, and to accept what I am, a sex slave, as more natural and relational than pornographic.


In my mused remembering of this, I have wondered if any of the men in the neighborhood would have likewise called me a sex slave. I don’t know. I welcome readers’ thoughts on this.

My sense of it in general is that men are eager to imagine me as a sex slave, but may be less likely to call me that to my face. Dominant men, yes, they call me what they will, but the average guy in our neighborhood group is a corporate professional likely schooled in some workplace sensitivities. So, maybe they think of me in disparaging words but are more civil to me in my presence.

Many women are also corporate professionals, but I have to think that sometimes they are threatened by me as a sex slave around their men. However, perhaps in time they find some satisfaction in calling me a “sex slave,” as it puts me in my place, so to speak. (Although this particular neighbor woman was not using the term “sex slave” in a demeaning way.)


The other thing of note in this woman’s comment was her phrase “not being in your place as you are here.” Again, her tone was one of friendly interest not spite or derogation.

It was interesting (and satisfying) to me that she understood I have a “place” of submissive status and that it’s something I need — such that I would miss it in PA. All of that is true, and it impressed me she seemed to get it, all of this, about me.


I realize I may be making too much of this one snippet of conversation, but there’s one more thing. I sensed in this woman’s approach to me a sense of ownership.

It may be something like a daughter going off to college then returning, and friends and neighbors adopting a kind of protective, knowing interest in her. It is like I am now their golden girl in some strange way, sent away into the world, now returned. Her comment carried the possessive sense of “we know what you are, what you need, and how that’s hard for you, but now we’re glad you’re back… in your place.”

I don’t resist this or take it in a bad way. It’s rather sweet, actually.

But it all suggests to me that, as I return to Colorado, to my place of submission, the neighbors are not the same as when I left them. Their view of me has evolved, matured.

They are no longer just watching my slavery, but starting to assume a kind of verbal participation in it.

Interesting, but I don’t know what this means.

my in-between life

Amanda is here (in PA) and we had a lovely Thanksgiving with Mother and Lucille. On Sunday, Amanda and I will fly back to CO, where I will once again become immersed in the slave life I long for so much.

Wednesday, I finished the last (for a while) of my mother’s insurance paperwork and picked up her prescription refill. That was the end of caretaking business until I return. Already I have slipped back into submissive unimportance, eager to feel owned and set aside once again.


While here with me in PA, Amanda does a masterful job of respecting my times of “leadership” with my mom, moments when I need to take charge. Amanda then defers to me, often helping in what needs to be done.

Such caretaking completed, I say something to Amanda or she says something to me, and it’s in the tone of voice, mine or hers, that signals a resumption of our proper relationship — that is, her dom to my sub. It has evolved this way, our mutual shape-shifting of roles unto each other, made necessary by the circumstance, and in the doing adding new meaning to our D/s.


I have been having dreams of being put in a cage. I think these emerge in my sleep-life at times when I feel submissively deprived in my waking life. They may be tugged out more in these moments of in-betweenness, when am on the cusp of leaving one of my worlds for another.

This is a vertical cage, but not placed at the center of a party, which is a dream variation on the theme. These times, my cage stands in a corner of the room. People are there, visitors walking through, but they pay little attention. I am seen but ignored, “on the side” of their interest, unimportant.


Amanda has a full schedule for me when I return with her to Colorado. I know some of her plans but not others. Most of it involves other people. I am eager for it now, but I know once there I’ll go through my usual angst about what my submissive humiliations make me in the eyes of others.

Amanda keeps saying, “That ship has sailed, Shae,” and wishes I simply accept my life of shared promiscuity. But I think she rather enjoys my hopeless struggle for respectability.

plans

My spirits were lifted yesterday by my evening phone call with Amanda.

It has been finalized that I’ll be returning to Colorado the Sunday after Thanksgiving. It will be a full three-week stay, after which Amanda will accompany me back to Pennsylvania. She will be here with me and Mother through Christmas and New Year’s.

I am beyond thrilled about this for a lot of reasons, not least of which is to be in the presence of Amanda once again, under her dominant desire, for a period of a full month.

While I have made the best of things here in PA, it has been more difficult of late. My brief visit back to Colorado back in September showed me how Amanda wishes to “rev up” my slavery and move us into another level of D/s experience. I am excited for that, for what she has in store for me and for resumed time with Master McKenna, along with new times with neighbors and such. But upon returning to PA, all of my D/s life comes screeching to a halt, not conceptually, but it has felt like that, practically speaking. (Some of this lately has been exacerbated by the fact that the connection with Jeremy and Phoebe — what was developing as my east-coast D/s “option” — has been on hiatus, due to their professional schedules. It will resume in 2023.)

This problem of my D/s life being rocket-boosted in CO only to fall back to earth here in PA won’t be resolved for some time, but during December at least, I will be, let’s say, over the moon.


Beside being with Amanda again, I am excited about time now scheduled with Master McKenna. He will have me for five days of my three weeks there, and I will be in the mansion this time, in full submission to him once again.

He says he wishes to continue talking about his next dom retreat and the school for submissives, but this time it won’t be “off-line” as before, but in full protocol, with me in my collared, high-heeled submissive glory. Nothing like planning a retreat while on my knees in naked dom-worship.

The new wrinkle perhaps is Maria, who has managed to come out to Master McKenna more directly about her interests. He intends now to have her watch some of his active dominance of me — sit in, if you will — with me providing (somehow) commentary in situ. Besides providing an “intro to D/s” for Maria, this may be a dry run in prep of the school for submissives. Interesting.


During the three weeks, Amanda already has some things planned. There will be a tea time with the neighbors. When Amanda and I talk on the phone every evening, she never fails to remind me that Blake has scheduled a “date” with me on December 3rd. She is thinking about hosting a Christmas party that would include some of her clients. Amanda also hints at a few other “surprises.” I don’t think she means packages under the tree.

reverie

I have decided I don’t like this life out here in Pennsylvania. I say that in my little-girl voice. It’s boring yet busy, the worst combination for a submissive woman who is a writer. I’m all mopey.

I am dreaming now of my past dominations, like a starved woman drooling for a lavish buffet. I want to be back in it, overwhelmed by the sheer will of my owners and submerged one again in their humiliations of me. I am practically volunteering to be chained into the easy chair, my legs spread and pussy gaping, for visitors to observe with grinning condescension.

If I have learned anything by my sojourn here, it is that I cannot go home again. I cannot return to the pre-life I once lived, before I knew what I truly am.

a difference between my two places

One of the subtle differences between my life here in Pennsylvania and my life in Colorado is that people here (PA) see me as normal, not knowing me as a submissive. Here, when I am introduced to someone, I am simply my mother’s daughter from Colorado.

They may see me wearing a collar, though around mother’s church friends it is usually a fashion choker. They don’t know what that symbolizes. They may detect that I am not wearing a bra, though I’m not flamboyant in that. Such things may strike them as a little off, but they have no knowledge context for categorizing me in a D/s life of submission. Most don’t even know such exists.

Conversely, in Colorado, most anyone I am introduced to has a connection to Amanda — clients, neighbors, service people, her lifestyle friends — and so they know her and usually know of me. Even before I say “Pleased to meet you,” they know I am a submissive living in a D/s relationship under her. Some know more than others — aware that our relationship is executed as D/s slavery — but most at least have a mental script about me before we even meet. There (in CO) I am my mistress’s submissive from Pennsylvania.

You could say that in CO I am labeled and in PA I am not. But in this case, I prefer being labeled, though it still feels cringingly humiliating when Amanda identifies me to someone new as her slave. Even though I blush as I detect the shifting shades of the others’ faces as they reassess me and place me in some compartment of their social judgment, it is who I am and what s true to me.

Here in PA, wearing a choker and no bra, I am not labeled but then again I am not known. I feel a little lost.

I’m not sure there’s much to make of this. It’s simply a difference between my two places.

D/s focus redux: your comments

A number of you responded to my post about different kinds of focus in the D/s life. Allow me to highlight a few things here.

My conjecture was that those of us in D/s relationships are dominated by another with a primary focus. I suggested seven:

Obedience-focus
Behavior-focus
Service-focus
Humiliation-focus
Bondage-focus
Punishment/pain focus
Sex-focus

Of the responses (some of these are public in the comments section below my post, others came to me by email), most stated a service focus, indication that simple tasks and services were the primary, say, “love language” of the D/s relationship.

Some spoke of sex being included in their D/s relationship, but no one named a sex focus as primary. My own sex-focused slavery notwithstanding, this doesn’t surprise me, for through my years of blogging I’ve come to that general conclusion from comments and emails. People on the outside of the lifestyle, however, might be surprised by this, imagining D/s only in sexual terms.

For some, the primary dynamic seemed to be an obedience-focus but such that resulted in service tasks. I acknowledge that obedience and service (and maybe behavior) blend together.

Humiliation and pain were mentioned, but never as a primary. A bondage focus was never mentioned, again perhaps prompting a double-take from those outside the lifestyle. (We might not, however, that we are sampling the D/s side of the lifestyle not so much the BDSM side. Still, it’s interesting…)


More specifically…

I liked what John Hunt Fitch commented: “It’s a comfortable feeling that she belongs to me, and I make the major decisions (and minor ones if I want to).” It strikes me this is a kind of baseline for a lot of D/s relationships.

John B said his relationship was service-focused, but with pain “running right behind it.” Helen said hers was mostly service-focused, but included humiliation sometimes; she also noted sex was part of it, but “not why she was submissive.” There were other emails that echoed this — that one’s submissiveness was decidedly not linked to their desire for sex.

Candice (eroticlesbianromance) spoke of a current fiction series she is doing that involves female fight clubs and the training of a submissive to fight. Intriguing. Relatedly, Shaniqua, by email, spoke of her own D/s relationship that has as its core dynamic verbal fighting and argument. All of this vibe is interesting to me.

Perhaps in the same vein, I found Girlieboy’s contribution to the discussion fascinating: “What I am driven by is surrender. She is primal and I am prey—and that need not be sexual or any of these other things, because the surrender is to become subservient.”

Sindee commented about her secretary actually being her dominant (even though Sindee was her boss). This was echoed in a response comment by Girlieboy who likewise had a secretary once who “dominated the heck out of her.” This echoes my own relationship with Amanda as her sometime assistant. There is something unique in the boss-assistant/secretary relationship that has dom-sub dynamics in it. In my fiction I often write about the professional work environment: usually a female boss finding her submissive expression in unlikely side arrangements.


Takeaways…It’s all a small sample, of course, but…

It’s not explicitly stated, but I get the impression that many of those responding are in informal D/s relationships. What I mean is that D/s is found within an existing relationship — perhaps marriage or a serious partnership. That it’s not about a dominant finding a submissive (and vice-versa) and formally developing a relationship based on their D/s orientations. By informal, I mean that D/s is discovered later in a relationship, a subset of a love relationship existing, a pattern of roles each partner evolves into.

Conversely, I live in a formal D/s arrangement and am shared with others in a more formal way as a submissive-first, relationship-later kind of way. This is not better or worse, just different from many who responded.

Again, these responses also confirm a picture of D/s relationships having a service-primary focus and not a sex-primary focus. When I started writing my blog years ago, I was gently corrected by someone who challenged a comment I made about D/s necessarily being sexual. I was green back then, didn’t know anything though I thought I did (the worst of all possible hubris), and made the newbie mistake of assuming my (sex) slavery was a model for all others. I quickly learned that much D/s lifestyle is not sexual, or at least not primarily. These responses here support that.

In the end, the perhaps the takeaway is that relationships happen, evolve, develop in a vast variety of ways. D/s is shaped by each relationship in its own way creatively. D/s is not just one thing but many, and that’s what makes it so intriguing.

four problem words

To many readers this may a boring blog. (That’s an opening line one is told never to start with).

You see, this is essentially a word study. I get excited by word meanings, connotations, nuances, word imagery — but I know most people aren’t into words as I am.

Perhaps it helps that this relates to the lifestyle of D/s, practices of BDSM, and my own sexuality. In any case, bear with me. I’ll try to keep this short, but I wish to say a few words about words that cause me pause.


Normal.

The dictionary definitions of normal take us into two different directions, and that’s the problem when using it in the context of the D/s lifestyle.

One definition contains the idea of “common” or “usual.” It’s normal (common) for it to be hot in summer. It’s normal (usual) for a person to feel anxious during a thunderstorm. Normal is what happens most of the time. Normal is what most people are and do commonly — what usually is the case. This definition derives from statistics, bell-curves and such, and, of course, normal has a lot of defined uses in the sciences. Normal in this sense is a statistical truth.

The other definitional direction of normal is the idea of natural, healthy, whole, or sane. The problem in this is more easily seen in its opposite, the antonym abnormal. We laughed at the classic line in Young Frankenstein, where Igor (Marty Feldman) produced a jar with a preserved brain. After the operation, Dr. Frankenstein (Gene Wilder) asks Igor, “Whose brain did I put in?” Igor says, “Abby someone.” The doctor presses, “Abby who?” And Igor replies, “Abby Normal.”

In talking about D/s, abnormal is the problem with normal.

As a submissive, I accept that, according to statistics, I am not normal. Most people are not predominantly dom or sub, not significantly wired as such. I am different from the majority. Yet I do not accept its opposite definition for me — that I am Abby Normal — deficient as a woman, twisted because I’m a submissive, abnormal.

The word is true in its one sense, untrue in its other. But in writing it’s hard for me to get away from the word normal. I still use it of myself. I guess I make a distinction between “not normal” and “abnormal.”

Some observe that “no one is normal,” meaning that everyone has a difference or two from the norm, that in the vast panoply of human life, there is great variety. True, but that’s not the point. Normal does not mean everyone needs to be identical. It means that, in particular areas, one thing is common and another thing is less common. In the category of dominance and submission, the largest group of the population is not into D/s (normal), and a much smaller group within the population is into D/s (not normal). That’s just true.

Again, I accept myself in this particular measurement to be “not normal.” Some try to correct me away from that, feeling that I am engaging in negative self-thinking. They’re just trying to make me feel better. Thank you. But when I say that I am “not normal,” I am not putting myself down.

I just mean I am, perhaps, rare. 😉


Lifestyle.

For a long while, I avoided this word, but ultimately had to give in to it. Now I use it all the time.

One problem I have with lifestyle is that it carries an elitist tone, a sense of lah-dee-dah with a tinge of posh. Maybe from my girlhood I was influenced by the TV show “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.” In my use of the word, I certainly don’t mean Amanda and I are richer or better than everyone else. We aren’t.

But another problem is that my D/s life with Amanda isn’t exactly a lifestyle. Though it is. That seeming contradiction is a nuance at the crux of my word troubles.

My submissiveness, which I consider to be “inborn sexual orientation,” is not a “lifestyle.” It is what I have been made to be. While my submissiveness has led me into certain D/s relationships and the life that accompanies them, it is not, properly speaking, a lifestyle but rather a trait or characteristic. Nor is my life lived with and under Amanda a lifestyle. It’s a relationship.

I feel the same about poly arrangements — multiple-partner relationships fulfilling various wants, needs, and loves. The mainstream world tends to look at that and label it a “lifestyle,” while those poly partners in it think it’s all simply about relationships.

The etymology problem is this: it’s like calling “marriage” a lifestyle. It is, kinda, but not really.

However, relationships do lead us to live in certain ways. As Amanda’s D/s slave, I wear a collar 100 percent of the time. Per her order, I serve her coffee in the morning on a tray, and upon her order wear not enough clothes, and on occasion am bound to the wall in the entryway. All of these practices are part of our way of life, our style of living.

So, what lifestyle expresses, effectively, is simply the idea “We have chosen to live this way.” And the term “our D/s lifestyle” quickly identities the group of like-minded people who “live this way.”

So, lifestyle is a word I cannot get away from in writing. It’s just necessary, it seems.


Slave.

I have become sensitive to the social implications of the word slave. It certainly can be understood as having a racial context; it also can be seen in the context of sex-trafficking. Of course, in my use of the term, I don’t intend either of these associations. God forbid. And I never wish to offend people or be insensitive to serious social concerns.

Yet, in the D/s lifestyle, there is need to identify the extent of my life in service to another, the extreme of it as I live it. I am a submissive, but more — my submission is not occasional or casual, but much more extreme — I am property owned, kept 24/7 as someone’s slave. I live at the lower level. I say that not as a brag, that my submission is better because it is to this extreme. If anything, people look down on me for allowing myself to be made a slave. Yet, my being a slave is simply true — it’s what I literally am to Amanda and Master McKenna, and how I see and accept myself.

So, slave is another word I cannot avoid in my writing.

But as a partial remedy to those social associations, I more often now say “D/s slavery” or “lifestyle slavery.” I’m not consistent in that as yet, but I try.


Vanilla.

In writing about my D/s slavery, it’s necessary to refer to non-dominants and non-submissives — the mainstream world. You just have to.

The term vanilla, of course, has a general usage even in that mainstream world to refer to that which is conventional or traditional: “I considered the blueprint for the new building to be vanilla, too safe in design.” “Without its best player, the team executed a too-predictable vanilla offense.”

Of course, this same meaning has been adopted by the BDSM world, mostly to delineate it’s lifestyle from the mainstream: “The guests were vanilla, witnessing the act of bondage for the first time.”

The problem I have with vanilla is that its proper definitions of conventional and traditional can also have the connotation of bland and boring. It can sound disparaging. When I use vanilla, I don’t mean to put down those who are not of my D/s persuasion. I just wish to refer to them as being different from me. Vanilla is the “other crowd.”

So, I use the term. Have to.

Here in Pennsylvania, I live in the mainstream world and interact with non-D/s people most of my time. And I find them well-meaning, caring, and lovely, even though they and I are so very different in what we believe. They are vanilla, yes, and I am different from them, yes, but we are all human. Yes.

Recently in my writing I have come to use normal as a synonym for vanilla: “The vanilla world of normals.” I mean it without judgment but just as a distinction. They are normals and I am not.

So, we’ve made a full circle in our word study.

We’re back to normal. 😉


I think the guiding light in all of this etymology is to aim for usage that is descriptively true and fair and honoring of people.

We don’t need to tear down people that aren’t us.

D/s focus: a question for you

I’ve been thinking on how various D/s relationships are, say, focused on a specific aspect of D/s. For example, some who practice the D/s lifestyle focus a lot on bondage while others hardly ever engage in bondage.

I would think most D/s arrangements at least dabble in a variety of D/s experiences, but it seems to me that often one thing becomes a primary focus/style/preference/orientation.

I started listing some of these. Which is primary for you? What have I missed in this list?


Obedience-focused. The relationship is primarily based on the dominant giving orders and the submissive obeying them. These may be minor, simple. The pleasure dynamic is in the act of obedience.

Behavior-focused. A submissive is trained to behave a certain way. This may be as basic as a trained posture, or how to sit/stand/walk, or manners of speaking. The primary dynamic in the relationship is the dominant’s shaping of a submissive’s physical bearing and actions and presentation.

Service-focused. The relationship has primarily been defined in terms of work and chores and services. I assume here that the dominant finds particular pleasure in being served, and the submissive enjoys the constant requirement of being busy with services.

Humiliation-focused. The primary focus of the D/s relationship is in debasement of the submissive. This may be physical but can also/otherwise be psychological. It may be private and/or public display of submission.

Bondage-focused. The D/s relationship is enjoyed primarily in forms of bondage and restriction and perhaps imprisonment. Ropes and chains, say, have a particular erotic meaning and feeling.

Punishment/pain focused. The D/s is most deeply experienced through acts of punishment and, perhaps, the administering of pain. May or may not be about sadomasochism per se — sometimes its about the psychological experience of being punished.

Sex-focused. Where the D/s relationship is primarily focused on the submissive’s sexual use and random availability. This may be about being shared sexually. It also can be about the dom creating a sexual mindset in the submissive.


I ask for your input. What have I missed?

Again, I think most D/s relationships practice a number of these. Some of them overlap. But my hypothesis is that one is a primary focus.

I also wonder if besides a primary focus there’s a secondary focus. For example, the primary of my D/s slavery is a sex-focus, but a strong runner-up, so to speak, is a humiliation-focus.

What about you? What’s the primary and secondary in your current relationship?

If you’re not in a current relationship: As a dominant, what would you say would be your most desired primary focus if you owned a submissive? As a submissive, what would you say would be your most desired primary focus if you were owned by a dominant?

lunch. maria. redux.

A few further thoughts came to me yesterday after I posted about my lunch with Maria.

I thought of future conversations that might be good to have with her. Lunch was about the two of us talking together as submissive women, finding friendly connection in that, and exploring possible D/s baby steps for Maria. It wasn’t the time for further and deeper discussions about the life.

It has occurred to me that if and when that time comes, I might forge several discussions with her, as follows…


One would be the delight and danger of attraction in D/s.

I am aware that Maria’s current interest may be a romanticized attraction to something she sees between me and Master McKenna. She has glimpsed what he does with me, and perhaps she is thinking, “I’ll have what she’s having.” On the one hand, that testifies to the genuineness of the submissive within her. On the other hand, watching him with me is not the same as experiencing it herself. The activities of D/s, I might say, are challenging, hard, and often humiliating; they can break you, bring you to tears. Ultimately they become deeply fulfilling and extraordinary, but you often have to go through hell to get there. The rewards are worth it, I would say to Maria. but it would be good not to allow herself to become enamored of the image of D/s and dream of it as all cookies and cream.

I also imagine that Maria may have some attraction to Master McKenna himself. To that, I would share my own first D/s experience years ago with Master Michael, who rejected me as his slave the first time round because I was in love with him and not really committed to the life of D/s slavery. You can’t allow yourself to be drawn into D/s in pursuit of an infatuation.

And/or maybe Maria has some attraction to me. Which would be lovely, but then again not the right reason for pursuing and entering the D/s life.


I realize that Maria might choose to make D/s a part-time thing, an occasional indulgence in her life. That’s fine, and what;’s most common. I know that full-time, 24/7 submissive life is a rare thing to happen or make possible.

But if Maria did come to a point of wanting to live full-time in D/s — to commit her life to it — I would want to talk with her about the reality of giving yourself to another.

That is, in D/s slavery you kind of live another person’s life. Your owner — master or mistress — becomes your entire focus, your primary purpose. You live for them. Which means in a way your own life is channeled through them. You sacrifice your wants and needs and become the fulfillment of theirs.

I think we might consider this a commitment beyond that of marriage. Which is not to put marriage down. It’s just that a full-time D/s life is equally momentous and, I might argue, a more profound ultimate destination.

In marriage, two people give themselves to each other. While there is some sacrifice of one to another, it goes both ways, mutually. And that’s a beautiful thing. But in a D/s arrangement, one gives herself to another completely, and the other uses her completely. It is intentionally un-mutual. Of course, yes, the submissive is fulfilled in that very thing — the upside-down of the submissive psychology in which being used is her pleasure. But the nature of a D/s relationship is extreme, posing the question to the submissive, “How far will you go in living entirely for another person?” This is extreme, beyond what we know in traditional relationships within friendships and marriages.

I think D/s, in this way and to this degree, ultimately creates a uniquely meaningful depth that cannot be reached in traditional relationships — but again, it takes a lot of sacrifice of self to get there.

(BTW, I am fascinated by those who have poly relationships within their marriage commitment. In these marriages, both partners have agreed that a further commitment of one can only be found through another outside relationship. For example, a submissive woman married to a non-dominant man is allowed to seek an outside dominant for her fulfillment. I think this is such a beautiful thing, an image of utter trust and permission. It suggests that a D/s relationship might provide a uniquely deep and fulfilling dimension not otherwise available.)


I might have another discussion with Maria about the types of submission/slavery there are, and why it may be important to learn early on what type is most fulfilling to her.

I have written before about types of D/s slavery: service slavery, professional slavery, sexual slavery, display slavery, bondage slavery, obedience slavery, pain slavery, “pet” slavery, and so on. Some of these derive from Gorean mythology, in which women were kept for very specific roles and functions.

But today, we commonly think of D/s slavery in general terms, being about a variety of practices — obedience, trainingm bondage, and maybe sex. Most D/s involves all of that and more — a general smorgasbord of D/s activities. Yet I would say to Maria that eventually something emerges between dom and sub as a primary preference, or type, within the slavery. A dominant may have a preference for one type or another, and likewise a submissive may be most fulfilled by one type or another.

I’m just saying that it’s best for a submissive to have an idea of what her primary slave type is.

The most obvious case-in-point is a situation in which one desires a slavery that is non-sexual while the other is seeking sexual availability as a primary focus of the slavery. If a submissive needs her D/s life to be non-sexual, then that’s got to be figured out ahead of time with any dominant who wishes for a slavery that is sex-primary. Otherwise, the arrangement won’t work.

In Maria’s case, I might assume that since she is employed in a service job of doing housecleaning and laundry, she might be suited for “service” slavery. Yet, when you think about it, that might be the last thing she wishes her submissive life to be about. Only she will know in time, but it will be good for her to get to that self-understanding of her primary slave type..

(As for me, I have evolved, you might say, into being a sex slave. I also enjoy the aspects of behavior-focused slavery (posture and speech) and obedience-based slavery (following orders precisely). All of these have been part of my slaveries, but being used a sex slave has become primary. In my history, under Master Michael I was a kind of “general-purpose” slave, and it’s been since I came under Amanda that my sexual focus has been developed.)

There’s a “love languages” angle to slave types: about your submissive slave type being matched to the type of slave he most prefers.


These three conversations probably seem somewhat random, but I think of them as fitting into the file folder labeled “Future Considerations for a Developing Submissive.” They might also get linked to my other folder labeled “Curriculum for Slave School.”