I am spending some time trying to write each day despite my general fatigue. I want to write, but I don’t have the stamina to do it for very long. Consequently a blog post that used to take me an hour now takes several hours spread over a couple days. Part of this is a mental fogginess, and I’m aware my writing is just not very sharp. I pray my words make some sense anyway. Bear with me…
I was early into my slavery to Master Michael. He seemed bothered about me in some unspoken way. Normally, he was forthright about such things but this time wasn’t. Something was niggling at him.
I would learn later he had been bothered by something he detected from me, in me, something subtle and vague, yet something he couldn’t articulate.
He finally figured it out: “You struggle for dignity, Shae, which I understand. It’s the challenge of all submissives. But the dignity you come to seems to be in spite of your slavery, when it should be because of it.”
His comment has remained with me. It seems I always need to learn this lesson.
He was saying that what I projected to others was something like, “Yes, I do this submissive thing with this man, but I’m an intelligent, respectable woman anyway.” I was, in my own subtle way, sidelining and diminishing the D/s life I was in, somehow suggesting I just did it “on the side for fun” but otherwise I was a “proper woman, you know…”
I still wrestle with this.
Amanda noticed something like this after my first exposure in the bay window when Patricia and John watched. The next day, in the course of a clothed, normal interaction with them, I acted as if that had been a performance of a kind, something acted, and now I was normal again and proper.
It was folly for me to project that, as Patricia and John are intimately aware of my submission and slavery, and yet with them I copped an air of being above the shame of the bay window experience the night before.
It’s hard to look someone in the eye when they are remembering your naked sexual disgrace. It’s hard to embrace that and be dignified in it, not in spite of it.
This again goes to my common struggle between living out my slavery in front of “lifestyle” versus “vanilla” people. I won’t belabor that discussion yet again. Just allow me to say that, in the lifestyle company of Amanda and Master McKenna, I manage to project dignity because of my slavery. But in the company of vanilla neighbors, it seems I still try to project a dignity in spite of what I am.
I have spent most of my slave years coming to an acceptance of myself as a submissive, as property, as a sex slave kept and used. Self-acceptance is hard to get to, but I have over time come to that understanding of me. I am a deep submissive and need to live as slave property to another.
But the further lesson is acceptance of what I am in front of others. It is the wish of my dominants that I stand publicly in my humiliations, proud and dignified for being a slave. This is what I continue to work on: dignity in front of the vanilla world for being what I am.
Submissive training never ends.