More people at Amanda’s workplace have been asking me questions. Again, I welcome them. Perhaps they can know me better through some of my answers. I am answering a few of the recent ones here. Note that in this case I’m writing mostly to people outside the lifestyle….
In terms of daily life (schedule, routines, things you are made to do each day) — do others who practice this lifestyle have a life like yours? Is yours typical?
I know submissives who have daily and weekly routines somewhat similar to mine. A lot of slave “business” — dress, presentation, posture, restriction, training, discipline, sexual services — is common to most D/s and slavery lifestyles. Different dominants may give more emphasis to one or another, but weekly life usually contains many of those elements.
24/7 slavery looks to people on the outside as extreme, which it is in some ways. But a 24/7 slavery is also a 365 slavery. Good dominants understand it’s a long game, and their slaves need to be used submissively, yes, but also need fulfillment in other ways. A sex slave like me needs to find meaning and interest and fulfillment in life. For me that’s writing, reading, arts, movies. For another slave it might be art, music, sports, cooking. Good doms know their slaves must thrive. So a slave life sometimes can look quite “normal” in some ways, even though the heart of it is slavery.
Now, some slaveries are more “programmed” than mine is, more focused on training. This has been a recent conversation by Amanda with Jocelyn and with Master K, the thought being that some part of my life ought to be more structured and devoted to perfecting certain skills. What is best for me is a different conversation, but it is true that some submissives have a more regimented life than mine has been.
And some slaveries are different from mine because they are different life situations. Some married people define their relationship as a dom-sub slavery, but their lives might need to accommodate work for both of them, children, family. So their routine of slavery is different from mine.
Another difference is that I serve two dominants, and each has a slightly different interest in me, a somewhat different use and intent. This makes my slavery perhaps a bit more active than others, maybe more chaotic. Although it is really Amanda who manages me, and she keeps my life from feeling too random.
But overall, yes, I think many 24/7 arrangements are similar to my slavery in daily practice.
Do the things you’re made to do as a slave, over and over, start to feel ordinary, mundane? Does slavery become “old hat,” so to speak? Boring?
Well, I can tell you my slavery has never been boring!
But I understand the question, and it’s a good one. I think that the answer is in the psychology of me, of all submissives, and how we experience life as duties and services and usages. We find pleasure in things that control us, are demanded of us, use us. And what we experience in the submissive life, even in repetition, is endlessly different.
I won’t deny there are times I am made to do something again, and I start to approach it as a kind of drudgery. But usually my “submissive” kicks in, and I start to experience it as a price I pay for the privilege of serving Mistress or Master, or as a “pain” I endure for my service to them, or as a dreary task that I delight in precisely because it is dreary. It demeans me, and I fulfill my purpose as a submissive to them because it does precisely that. This is the illogical, counter-intuitive mind of a submissive, but that’s how it works.
In many things, the experience is layered and subtly different and freshly revealing each time. Whenever I am walked on a leash, I feel the same basic things — being controlled, being led by someone, being in bondage to another. The fact that I’ve been walked on a leash hundreds of times before doesn’t deaden my experience the next time. The next time I may feel more of the subjugation of it — my being put in my place by Mistress. Another time, I may be more aware of how this appears to others in public who see me, a feeling of humiliation in their presence. Another time I may be more aware of how I am sexualized as a woman, perhaps in a revealing outfit, led helplessly on a leash. Sometimes I am all too aware that dogs are led on leashes by other people in public, and my experience is one of degradation. And usually, it is some combination of those experiences and others that make the thing different for me.
I don’t expect others to understand my submissive pleasure in these “negative” feelings and experiences. But my point is that these activities are like a fine wine with complex notes, and whether the tenth time or the hundredth, it opens up yet again differently.
Do you consider yourself an exhibitionist? How do you feel about being exposed in public? What is that like for you?
No, I don’t think of myself an exhibitionist. I was never so inclined before my entry into the sub-slave world. I would never choose to do that on my own.
I had to learn something about this myself. There’s a significant difference between what is commonly known as public exhibitionism and what is done in a D/s lifestyle as “public sharing.” Of course, to others outside looking in these appear the same, no doubt. But what is done with me in my slavery (and apparently what I will be made to do more of), is quite different from girls gone wild at a kegger, lifting their tops showing their boobs, or the creepy guy in the park flashing unsuspecting women. Those are designed to elicit a surprise response from unsuspecting people.
What is done with me is talked about as “public sharing.” In this, I am revealed, often gradually over a period of time. I am exposed for people to watch and enjoy. The point of it is not to surprise people, but to press me into the experience of being sexualized in front of random strangers.
By nature, I am not so shy about my body, but neither am I one to expose myself or flaunt my assets, so to speak. In my vanilla life, since I had gone through a childhood of repression, I had finally come around to being more accepting of myself and my body. But as a adult woman in a vanilla life, I was still modest.
In the act of submission, however, under the province of a dominant, I do what I am told, I submit and expose myself as instructed — and, quite honestly, I find great release and freedom in it, even while experiencing embarrassment and humiliation.
Do you think about your life into the future? Do you have a desire to get married? Have children?
Yes, I do think about this more often these days. I don’t have any desire to leave this lifestyle, not only because of Mistress, but because of my desire to stay in slavery and continue living fully as a submissive. That may change, but I could see myself in this life for many years to come.
I don’t think that marriage is of much interest to me, but children are. I love children, and I am sometimes now feeling a desire to have a child. That’s a big change, I know… I’m also getting to an age when I need to think about it and decide. Of course, this is more complicated in the context of my slavery. I haven’t come to any conclusions and I think any real decision about it is still a little ways off. But I am wondering what those options are.