retreat q and a: 4

I so appreciate all the questions sent my way. This will be my final Q&A post on the retreat.


Did you tell them about your blog? Do you have five new dominant readers? (Mister Archie)

The five men were given my blog info at the end of the retreat. I have no indication that they’ve become new followers. I wouldn’t know if they’re reading this. I guess we’ll see if they are out there, and if one or another speaks up here sometime.


What is the marital/relationship status of the five men? (Chris)

All I know is from what I overheard in casual conversation. One of the men is married but separated. Another is “dating someone.” The others I don’t know about.


I am curious what Master McKenna had to say on discipline and punishment, what his philosophy on this is. From your posts (in general, not just from this long weekend) I wasn’t clear if he employed corporal punishment with you. (Nora)

Nora, this is a rich question, and I think I shall write more on it in a separate blog post. But a few answers to your question here:

No, Master McKenna has not had opportunity to punish me (and I am not inclined to make it necessary!) However, he has used a flogger and whip on me in one training session as demonstration and testing (not during the retreat but privately).

At the retreat, he was keen on steering the men away from the common stereotype of D/s being all about whips and floggers and bondage discipline. He also stressed that “responsible dominance is not abusive…”

However, he does believe in physical, corporal punishment practices. He says that physical discipline is effective with a submissive and creates a particular (and good) dependency of the slave to her master.

He also said that it’s fair if the dominant simply enjoys the physical administration of whipping, and that his slave should be able to submit to it for his pleasure — “just as he uses her to give him a blowjob.” But, he said to the men, it’s “critically important you separate your pleasure from her punishment.”

This is interesting to me as Amanda’s approach with me is so very different. Again, much more to say, and I promise to get into it another time.


Did Master McKenna talk about doing D/s in public. Public play? (Amanda’s lifestyle friend, Dayna)

Master McKenna spoke about “being public” in a different way: how far a dominant wishes to go in himself being open about his D/s life in public circles. He talked about the various parts of his own life in public, at work, with other organizations — and how he has different levels of openness with each of them about his lifestyle. (I think this was in the session where he talked about my protocols in different situations.)

Amanda also talked for a time about her public practices with me. She made the point that public display was good for the slave to experience, but also that it took “wisdom and discretion” to execute public scenes safely and responsibly. Something like that.

I remember there was a moment when she said, “Vanilla people don’t necessarily want to see your slave half naked and on a leash.” And one of the men said, “I don’t see why not!” Hearty laughter all around… and blushing by me…

Again, this bears further discussion, as Amanda and Mr. McKenna both have views on public display that deserve more time. I will write more…


The four protocols, can you say more about each of them? Maybe more detail? (Nudo and others)

Here again, I promise to address this further in a forthcoming post, but I’ll say a few things here:

Master McKenna is strong on protocols, whereas Amanda is not. He has layers of social interaction related to his businesses, each layer knowing him in slightly different ways. Protocols are critical for him.

I believe it’s one reason he wanted me. He felt I would be able to navigate his protocols smoothly in various social situations.

As I’ve written before, Amanda and I have various modes of relationship, and we slip in and out of them intuitively. There is a formal protocol I use when I’m in deeper submission to her. Then there are situations we’re in around other people in which I modulate the formality with her according to the social situation. (This may have been what Master McKenna observed.)

All the same, Amanda isn’t a stickler for protocols as Master McKenna is. (She’s perfectly happy if I just call her “goddess” sometimes.)


In the aftermath of the retreat what were your own takeaways? Is there anything that was especially new to you? (Neighbor John Miller)

Oh, wise one, Mr. Miller — posing the big-picture question at the end!

Mostly I’m just filled with various “thoughts to be explored later.”

One is this idea of a slave girl shared by multiple dominants. Which is not to say that I wish (or think I could handle) being shared with a third dominant. It’s more that, if Master McKenna were not in the picture, maybe another dominant would be. I don’t know if Amanda has that intention for me going forward.

Being in the midst of other dominant men at the retreat is/was a reminder to me of my basic submissive being and status. It sort of put me in my submissive place. My training at the hand of Master McKenna has done this too. My slavery to Amanda is a benevolent one, and while I am her slave in real ways, we have a larger relationship. The retreat brought me into an experience of being objectified and treated at a lower level than I’m used to. This is probably good for me.

Also, being in the midst of five dominant personalities (so much testosterone!), I encountered different kinds of male personalities. Still sorting that out. But it made me wonder how D/s works for better or worse with different personality matches. Or mismatches.

Finally, I guess every experience in my slave life stretches me in a new way, and this certainly did.

retreat q and a: 3

How did you feel undressing in front of the men? (Neighbor Patricia Miller, multiple others)

Let me say first, I believe making me topless for a lot of the retreat was more of Amanda’s idea. Master McKenna may have also shared in that intention, and it’s obvious I would likely be displayed in some way, but it’s so Amanda in the nature of it. She would want me to experience revealing my breasts to a roomful of men. Further, she’d want to watch.

I think the bigger point is that often I was unsure how far he would have me strip for them. Tuesday, the last day — they’d already been seeing my boobs — I didn’t know if it would go farther, if I would be told to take off my skirt as well. It didn’t, but I was never sure.

I felt the humiliation of it, of course, as well as the sexual tension of it. Part of it was the shame of being seen in my submission — because of how I am made, having to submit and obey despite the outcome. Another part of it, was the sexual feeling of being lusted for by five men I didn’t know.


How did you feel during Amanda’s pantomime with you at the bar? (Nudo)

This, again, gave me initially a feeling of apprehension about how far she would take it. Of course, when she “installs” me on the wet bar at home for real, I am completely naked. Here, I was topless, but wearing a skirt. I wondered if she’d lift my skirt up from behind and show them my pussy rearward. But she didn’t.

Otherwise, the pantomime was more of a single pose on my part, and a technical description from Amanda to the men. I don’t remember it being particularly substantial for me as far as feelings go.


Please say more about your reactions to the younger dominants. (Amanda’s lifestyle friend, Dayna)

Yes, good question… Two of the five dominants were in their twenties.

Most of my submission experiences have been with people older than me. Amanda is a decade older, Master McKenna is fifty-five. Some other dominants in their circles that I’ve been around have been in their fifties, some almost sixty — often twenty-plus years older than me.

This isn’t by my choice — I don’t control these things, obviously. And I don’t know why older dominants seem drawn to me.

When I’m with older dominants, I feel it to be comfortable — maybe it’s the age-as-authority thing. I submit easily with people significantly older than me. It’s a good vibe somehow.

So when I’m around dominants younger than me it’s a different vibe. It’s not a resistance to their authority as a dominant. In the case of the retreat, the two younger men were clearly accomplished and mature and serious about pursuing the lifestyle. But some of it might be just a sense that we are peers by age, that in an earlier time I might have been in college with them — although that wouldn’t literally be possible as I am six or seven years older, it feels like that. At the retreat, it came to my mind occasionally that one of these younger doms might in another context ask me out on a date.

And here I am standing in front of them submissively in a collar, on a leash, with my breasts bared. I’m not sure if that’s a deeper feeling of submission or a different kind of humiliation or what. But it’s different.

At least it has given me story ideas about a younger dominant man and an older submissive woman. That seems interesting to explore…


Was there any talk about the lesbian relationship between you and Amanda? I would imagine the men would be curious about that. (Neighbor Patricia Miller)

Patricia, yes, they were curious and asked about my bisexuality a number of times. This came out in my interview time the first evening and then also in the interview time with Amanda the next morning, but these questions popped up throughout the whole time.

Some of their interest, of course, was clearly prurient — an indulgence of their lustful interest in imagining me sexually with another woman. So be it. They had every right to explore me that way. That’s what I was there for.

Anyway, there were questions about my previous experiences with women, and what bisexuality meant in terms of how it felt for me with men versus women. I told them about my affair with Chandra, not in detail of course, but how and what happened. I said that for me being with a woman sexually felt as fully natural as being with a man felt, but that it was different in the experience.


In a situation like that, being in a room full of dominant men, do you ever think about one or another of them being your own dominant? If you could choose one or another of them, who would your choose? (Chris)

Interesting question. I didn’t think any of that them, but will now. There were two of them who felt to me like they were over-compensating, and I was not drawn to them. (True alpha males don’t need to try so hard to appear alpha.)

One of the (older) men was more natural in his dominance, or so it felt to me. He was stern at times with me, though not cold, just seeming to assume my place and slave purpose and treating me as such. I liked that I responded to that pretty deeply. I would probably choose him.

The other candidate in my mind is one of the younger doms. Despite what I said above about the younger men, I think I would like to experience that sometime. That dynamic would be interesting to me.


Do you think Amanda would ever consider having a retreat like this one, only with prospective female dominants? (Neighbor Patricia Miller)

I don’t know. It’s an interesting idea, Patricia. She would be so good at it, don’t you think? We could have it here at the house, with high tea served one of the afternoons…

retreat q and a: 2

It seems I got surprised by the number of questions still coming in. It looks now like there’ll be a total of four Q&A posts. There are a few quite substantial questions requiring longer replies — involving Master McKenna’s philosophy of D/s — that I’ll put in the fourth post. And yet a third post to come featuring more from you all. All great questions and I’m eager to reply, but this may take another day or two.


Where did you stay during the retreat? At the mansion? Did others stay at the mansion too? If you stayed there overnight, did you ever feel vulnerable to those that were there? (from Kevin, though not “The Kevin,” but another Kevin, an email acquaintance)

Yes, I stayed at the mansion the whole time. For me to drive back and forth each day was too time-consuming. Also, both Master and Mistress felt it was better for me to have the immersive experience of staying there nights. Immersive it was.

As many bedrooms as the mansion has, there were more people in the non-profit group than could be housed there. So they split up and about half of them stayed at a nearby hotel.

As for the lifestyle group, the five dominants stayed at the mansion. Upstairs, besides my bedroom suite, there were four other bedrooms. One of the men took a downstairs guest bedroom.

No, I didn’t feel vulnerable to anyone while I was there. Master McKenna had made it clear to them that I was not to be played with. They respected my place as his property. After sessions in the evening, I retired to my bedroom suite, and no one ever knocked on my door late or tried to come in.


Regarding Master McKenna’s statement, “Always remember she is my slave” — you are actually Mistress Amanda’s property. Should McKenna have said this differently? (Multiple people asked this)

This was actually discussed by Amanda and Master McKenna beforehand, and they agreed it was best to present me to the men as owned by him. They felt it had to be clear to the dominants that Master McKenna was in full possession of me.

Even so, the men understood that my primary ownership was with Amanda. In fact, this was addressed in the interview session with her, which I haven’t been able to share on my blog as yet. They knew the actual background of this: that I am owned by Amanda, provided to Master McKenna.

I think, from their point of view, the technicalities of my ownership didn’t matter much. I was a real slave in their midst, half the time bare-breasted before them. They probably didn’t care much beyond that.


Did Master McKenna ever have sex with you (at night) during the retreat? (College friend Jeremy)

(Jeremy, I think you’re having too much fun asking me this…) No, he did not. I think he chose not to primarily because of the late night sessions and early morning prep for us both. I needed the sleep each night, and I presume he did too.


I am curious about Amanda putting her arm around you….was it to comfort you, or to signal to everyone that you belonged to her? (Nora)

This was after the “walking” demonstration out front with me on a leash, topless…

Yes, it was a signal of comfort, sort of her saying to me, “You’re doing good.” That meant a lot to me in the moment, because the experience of being in that situation half exposed with all those dominant men was overwhelming. I was handling it, but it was a lot of objectification to deal with.

There was also in it a sense that Amanda, being a woman, knew what I was going through as a woman in the midst of men, and appreciated my fortitude in it as well as my obedience.


Did anyone touch your breasts when you were topless? (Chris)

Yes. I can’t recall if I wrote this in my posts — I think I did. Maybe not. There was a brief exercise when Master McKenna had me standing topless, my wrists shackled behind my back.

He spoke about how a master’s physical handling of a slave’s breasts was a form of communication. It contributed to her objectification, he explained, and her release of herself to him. It suggested he, the dom, had access to her breasts while she did not. They were a visible part of her body available to him and not her. It was all symbolic of her sexual submission.

“Different forms of handling her breasts,” he said, “can signal different things. Your pleasure or displeasure, her place as an object, her vulnerability.” He spoke about my breasts being kind of a “rudder by which to steer the ship.” (Besides that statement being quite objectifying, it also seems an odd analogy. Am I a cruise ship?)

Master McKenna then had each of the men step up to me and “handle” my breasts in a kind of practice of the principles of his lesson. So I had a lot of “hands on deck,” so to continue the forced analogy.

Now, this was very brief — all of just ten minutes, perhaps — it all happened in a flash. But, yes, they each had some time handling, fondling, squeezing my breasts. It was very objectifying, of course, but by that time the whole retreat had been so, and maybe I was a little numb to it.

It occurred to me this might have been Master’s concession to the men wanting/needing physical interaction with me. I suppose it would have been odd for a dominant to be in a retreat like this with a slave girl and never have the chance to actually touch her.

In fact, even with this I think they expected more interaction with me than they got.

retreat q and a: 1


This will be at least three parts. I am still collecting questions, so free to add a question in a comment below or send it to me by email — shaemadigan@comcast.net.

The questions have come to me not only from comments and emails but also from a few people who know me in my daily life. I am arranging the questions in an approximate chronological order to the retreat.


Do you think the purpose of the lifestyle retreat was for the education of the five dominants or to create an experience for you in the presence of those men? (Neighbor John Miller)

The retreat was serious teaching about the art of dominance, and my place in it was relatively peripheral. I cannot imagine Master McKenna setting up the entire retreat for my sake.

Master McKenna has so far been intent of developing me for him — shaping me to his preferences. Amanda is about developing me for me. That’s not a criticism of him, just the current truth of it. So he would not be thinking “Shae needs an experience with dominant men.” But Amanda would, and I have no doubt that, given the retreat was going to happen, Amanda saw it as a learning experience for me.

It served both intentions, but I would not suggest that I was so important to Master McKenna’s intentions in planning the retreat.


I’m curious if as the slave there is any sort of vetting process that goes on with regards to the would-be dominants you encounter? In other words, is it enough that Master McKenna says they are dominants or do they still need to prove themselves as such? (Dave)

Dave, my understanding is that, for the retreat, each man attending was chosen by Master McKenna. Two of them were referred to him by other dominant friends; three he had met before. I assume he had conversations with all of them before inviting them to the retreat. I also heard second-hand (through Amanda) there were two others Master McKenna had decided not to invite. So he was vetting the group on some basis.

At the retreat, in the introductories, he mentioned that each of those present was “seriously considering the D/s lifestyle.” He seemed to know at least that much about them. I think the vetting of them was simply Master McKenna’s own process and his confidence that they were real dominants.


We have now followed an extended weekend with two different groups of participants…The first group consisted of women and men. If any of these were dominant, without themselves exploiting or knowing that they are, would you recognize such a quality? Can you recognize dominance based on speech or behavior? Can you recognize a dominant near you via atmospheric vibes, psychic [vibes] or by eye contact? (Nudo)

A great question. Yes and no.

Yes, I am often able to detect someone’s dominance if I have some time in a room with them. Dominants have body language and speech tells, and I pick up on those things even in vanilla situations. These aren’t always what you might think: it isn’t true that a man who publicly shows control and authority is actually dominant — often a person overcompensates for his weakness. But I often sense these body and speech signals. Also, if someone is in direct conversation with me, I tend to feel their assumption of authority over me in their language and tone. Again, this isn’t always what you might think it to be. It’s rather subtle.

No, I don’t have any psychic vibes or magical sense about dominant persons, and I can’t tell if someone is dominant just by looking into their eyes. It isn’t like that. But if I have some time in their presence, I can feel the dominance of someone.


Here’s a follow-up question from Nudo, which got a bit mangled in translation. I’m pretty sure I know what he’s asking, so I am paraphrasing: Regarding group two, the dominant men. Could it be that some of them do not have the quality of true dominance and seek D/s experiences just for the sexual arousal and pleasure? (Nudo)

Yes, I think there are many people exploring the possibilities of a dominant life, as these men at the retreat were doing by being there. Again, I expect Master McKenna had a pretty good sense of the five of them being real dominants. But the retreat was really about this very thing — providing the men a way of determining if they were truly dominant enough to seriously consider a D/s life.

But you’re also suggesting there are pretenders among us, people who present themselves as dominant but aren’t, just using the pretense to have sex with submissive women like me. I suppose there are such people, and that we submissives are vulnerable to them. For me, as it seems I am so thoroughly dominated these days 😉, it seems unlikely I would be in danger of that.


1. Was it exciting for you, to be at the center of so many men’s attention? (Mister Archie)

2. You have written in the past how being in the presence of dominants, especially male dominants, makes you feel; how you have even a great awareness of your submissiveness and your status as a slave. I’m curious to know how you felt being in a room full of male Doms. Specifically, how did you feel being there as Master McKenna’s slave when he had you topless, heeled, collared and leashed? Was it exciting? Arousing? Submissively satisfying? (CJ)

Mr. Archie, eventually, yes, it was exciting for me to be in the middle of so many dominants. But there were several mental processes I had to go through first to get to the level of comfort to allow myself to feel the submissive excitement in the situation.

For any submissive woman in such a situation there is a primary concern about safety. I was never outright fearful, but this was my first “public” experience under Master McKenna and it was with five strangers. I didn’t know what the dominants would be like or if Master McKenna would be able to control them. As it happened, the very first night Master McKenna said some things to them that proved his control, and I relaxed from that point on.

I also was distracted about how far Master McKenna would go in revealing my body to the men. I expected he would make me undress, but how far he would take that, I didn’t know. I was hoping it would just be me topless and not much more. Which it was.

So it took some time for me to settle into a comfort zone there, which is why I say eventually it was exciting for me.

CJ, being in a room of male dominants was indeed a deep submissive and sexual experience for me. Like you say, I’ve written about being in the presence of dominant people before, but this was a concentrated immersion in a space of so many dominants all at once — a distinctly new experience for me. Yes, it was (my god!) arousing.

For one thing, it pushed me into a level of submission that is somewhat uncommon in my experience. Amanda noticed this too. It’s one of the varieties of sub-space. Collared, heeled, and leashed — and especially later when I was also topless — I became extremely docile and compliant. It seems counter-intuitive: you’d think in a strange situation of strangers, I would have some defenses up; even in daily life with Amanda, while I am submissive to her, I obey with a touch of attitude or humor. In this, I just became utterly acquiescent. Maybe it was a deeper surrender that came from knowing I was surrounded by six dominant men. There was a lot of testosterone in the room.

I suppose it was “submissively satisfying,” as you inquire, CJ, but I’m not sure how to calculate that. But yes, it aroused me submissively. My body tends to show my excitement all too readily — my chest gets rosy and freckled and my nipples grow pinker and become pointed and my face flushes — I cannot hide my arousal. Some of the men there commented on that even, and I became self-conscious.


Do you think that if there’s another retreat, Master McKenna would give the men access to you sexually? If so, how would you feel about that? (College friend Jeremy)

Yes, probably.

I don’t think Master McKenna would allow the men just to have their way with me during the retreat or overnight, but I well imagine he would have training activities and demonstrations that would perhaps involve me sexually with them.

How I feel about that… well, it’s one of those situations that I would find both humiliating and arousing. More below…


From a comment to a pre-retreat post, but it applies here: I did wonder how the idea of one or more Mr. Smiths plays to your self-described promiscuous nature. Does the idea of a lack of familiarity with the participants enhance or detract from the pleasure of the experience? Are the two thought processes even connected? (Dave)

Here’s how I replied to his comment on my post “being shared”:

Dave, thanks — good thoughts. You may be right that some men would not want Amanda watching. Do you think maybe that’s a specific kink for certain men?.. To your question (a very perceptive one), yes the multiple Smiths idea does play to my promiscuous dynamic, and the two processes are very much connected inside me… For me, there is shame in being known as promiscuous, and the prospect of being with strangers sexually is in some sense a definition of being promiscuous. At the same time, the idea of being promiscuous is extremely arousing to me, I must admit…. The lack of familiarity with a stranger would enhance my sexual experience, but not necessarily for the sex itself, rather for the idea of being used sexually by someone I don’t know.

Here are some of my further thoughts on this in the context of the retreat:

Being in the presence of five dominant men certainly compelled in me feelings of desire and fantasies about the possibilities as well as the shame of promiscuity. I can’t deny I sometimes have desires to be taken by a stranger, and here were five strangers. I have sometimes indulged in the fantasy of multiple men at the same time, and the possibility of the five having me there in The Great Room was always around the corner in my mind. Also in all of it, I had a sense of my promiscuity in it, the simple shame of standing half nude, collared, and leashed before a group of men.

As is much in the slave life, it is and was all of the above.


Did Master McKenna ever really tell you how he thought you did? (Lily)

I have found that Master McKenna is restrained in his handing out of praise. In my trainings with him, he tends to say “such and such” was “acceptable.”

As a perfectionist achiever, I find this drives me nuts. It’s like being in a pass/fail class, which I always disliked. I’ve learned that Master McKenna’s “acceptable,” means I did it has he wants it.

As I think I posted somewhere, Master McKenna spoke with Amanda after the retreat and expressed to her his appreciation for my presence and how I did well. He and I have not had another time since, but perhaps when I see him again, he will express how acceptable I was 😉.

I will also say that during the retreat there were a lot of times when Master McKenna would stand beside me as were between sessions. Again, he didn’t offer high praise, but I got the sense he was reasonably pleased. Sometimes you can feel that a dom is proud to have you attached to him.


More to come…

q and a: sex slave

You are/are called a sex slave. What does that mean in your daily life?

I am called a sex slave, and I also am a sex slave. I have come to accept that.

It means I am seen and viewed and treated as a sexual object a lot of the time. I have come to understand this as being three things: sexualization, sexual play, and acts of sex.

Sexualization refers to what is done to me to make me aware of my sexual purpose. It is, quite literally, about making me into a sex object. It may be how I am addressed, what I am called, words used abut me when I am spoken to. It is also how I am dressed (or not dressed) on a daily basis. As everyone knows, I am not permitted to wear a bra or panties, and this is creates a constant self-awareness that I am different, and that I am available sexually. Also, I may be sexualized int he way I am made to sit or stand or walk.

Sexual play is about how others touch me intimately. It isn’t sex itself, but it is about being handled or fondled by others because I am a sex object and sex slave. If my mistress makes me available to them, they may play with me as pleasures them.

Sex is maybe the ultimate experience in being a sex slave. My primary purpose is to provide myself for sex with Amanda. But she may be starting to share me with others, and in our arrangement and definition of things, sex with others, as she chooses, will be part of my slavery.


Does slavery make you more sexual?

Yes. Sexualization and sex play make for a kind of constant foreplay. Even just physically, I am aroused a lot of the time. I think there’s a sweet spot for sexual activity in which one’s libido and sexual drive are heightened.

In my pre-slavery life, I think I was more sexual than I allowed myself to be. But now in slavery, the frequency of sexual things has certainly made me “more sexual” more/most of the time.


Do you ever get tired of being treated as a sex slave, sex object?

Yes. Sometimes. I think at some points there is too much at once, and I just get mentally tired. Like I say, there is a sweet spot of frequency and stimulation and arousal. Too much — or too little — dampens my sexual capacity.

I think an important part of this is how I am treated in other ways. If I didn’t have other things that gave me significance and value, I would likely resist my sexualization each and every day. But I am valued for other things, other interests — my abilities in the workplace with Amanda, my writing, my interests in books and the arts. And so I never ever feel that being a sex object is my only value, even if others reduce me to sexual use and pleasure.


Did slavery make you bisexual?

Interesting question. No, but I think that in vanilla life we don’t always give ourselves to the fullest range of sexuality that we actually have by nature. Slavery does open you up, so to speak, to other experiences that you might never have permitted yourself to sample.

For me, I know now I have always been bisexual, but my conservative, religious upbringing made that part of me forbidden to acknowledge or express. That repression persisted through my adult life until close to the time I was in D/s and considering a submissive life 24/7.

So, my slavery, yes, has allowed me to open myself to lesbian experiences, and as a result I have discovered a broader ranger of my sexual self in my bisexuality.

Of course, Amanda makes it easy to go there.


Did your need to overcome repression lead you into into D/s slavery?

The answer is no. If anyone really knew how fucking submissive I am, there would be no question in anyone’s mind that this is the life I have to live.

I think our sexuality is a lot of things, not just one. This includes orientation but also submissiveness and dominance as well as a rich fantasy life and an array of desires.

For me, my eventual decision to overcome my repression became an open door for both my bisexuality as well as my deep submissive nature.


Do you have advice for a submissive women entering the D/s lifestyle for the first time?

I have written and said this before, but will say so again and again — because this is dear to my heart, the fulfillment and safety and well-being of other submissive women like me.

Make your obedience in sexual slavery intentional and meaningful by giving your absolute best to it.

That seems hard to do. You are sexualized in terms that are not your choice and required to submit to sex in various ways others want to have you.

But it’s important not only to submit yourself but to devote yourself to what is being done to you. When you are made to wear a revealing dress, wear it well and proudly. When you are called a certain name, receive it intentionally. When you are made to give a man a blow job, make love to his cock like he’s your knight in shining armor. When you are taken by a mistress into her bed, give yourself to her with passion and pleasure.

I am writing about sexual slavery specifically, but this applies to other forms of D/s submission and submissions that are not sexual at all.

Submission isn’t passive. It’s not about silently absorbing what is done to you. That will, in fact destroy you. Submission is, yes, about being the sex slave you are, but also about giving yourself to it actively.

Submission is about living this slave life richly and meaningfully and intentionally.

proud or humiliated?

Are you proud of being a slave or is it humiliating to you?

My temptation here is to answer, “Yes,” and to leave it at that. But, of course, I’ll say more. It’s a really good question.

For me there’s a difference between being happy as a slave and being proud as a slave. In general, I am happy and fulfilled in living the slave life. Of course, like anyone, I have good days and bad days, and there are things that are difficult and hard. But overall I am content and happy being a slave in a slave relationship, now to both a mistress and a master.

Because I was born this way — with an extreme submissive sexuality — I need to be a slave in a slave life 24/7. (I know there’s a lot to explain and unpack in that statement, but for now trust me that it’s just true.) But this need, this submissive sexuality, and to the extreme it is in me, is not what I would wish for in a different life. But it is what I am. So, in a way — and I want to say this carefully — I feel that this need is a handicap I must live with. Often I wish I were different, with a normal sexuality and a traditional relationship and a regular life. But I am what I am, and true slavery is the only life I’ve found that allows me to be what I am, and thus to be fulfilled. But no, nothing in this is a matter of pride. To the contrary, it is something of a life sentence. Being a slave is something I am resigned to be.

The one thing I am proud of is that I have persisted in trying to find myself through my adult life, from my college days through my professional career, through various friendships and relationships. And I am proud that at a particular point I was brave enough to leave behind everything, pursue my need, and submit myself to a literal and real slavery. I have fought to understand my extreme sexuality and to get to a life that satisfies it. I am proud of that.

I also feel a kind of pride when I am satisfying to my owners, my master and mistress. I experience a deep enjoyment when I pleasure others, through their use of my body or my servitude or my attitude or my willingness to live in submission to them.

But I can feel proud in those “accomplishments” and yet feel humiliated in the doing of them. Of course, living as someone’s sexual object is humiliating. Submissive life is humiliating. Being dominated in public is humiliating. Meeting Amanda’s colleagues at work and being aware that I am a slave to her is humiliating. Enduring a long night of my master fucking all my holes” and claiming me is humiliating for me to write about here. Being sold by one master to this master and mistress is humiliating. Knowing how I am seen and judged by others is humiliating.

But humiliation is the ground zero of the slave life, and you have to accept it as you experience it every day.

quick q and a

If you have questions you’d like me to address, feel free to comment here or else email me directly at shaemadigan@comcast.net. I will reply personally, and also, with your permission, post the response here. Here are answer to questions from readers of the blog and also some people in and around my slavery:

1. How long have you lived as a slave 24/7?

One year, ten months. Master Michael bought me early in March 2017. He and I had some prior experience together as dom and sub. I had come to know I wanted/needed the extreme life of slavery. He decided he wanted to own me. He decided it was best for us to start my slavery in a house that was new to both of us. It also was ideal in location, setting, for my slavery. My 24/7 live-in slavery officially began later that March.

2. Are you married to your master? Is he a boyfriend? How do you understand your relationship with him?

No, I am not married to Master Michael. Nor am I his girlfriend. We both consider me to be his slave, his property. In fact, Master Michael has other relationships with women, as he wishes, although they are kind of a different category for him, social dating. He and I are very close and we have a relationship of mutual caring, common interests, and obvious attraction. We both agree that relationships are more fluid than people ever know, that categories don’t work. And in a way, Master/slave relationship is perhaps the deepest, most intimate relationship there is.

3. When did you start experiencing/exploring your submissiveness?

I had an experience when I was twelve that, looking back now, I interpret as an early example of my innate submissiveness. Maybe there were incidents earlier, but that’s the earliest I remember. I had other experiences as a teenager that I consider submissive responses to situations. My first active of exploration of submissiveness was in college — the common “tie-me-up-with-scarves” thing, that became explosively powerful to me. But even with that, I pretty much didn’t explore anything more in my early twenties. I got married when I was twenty-five, a marriage that lasted just four years. He traveled a lot and wasn’t present much of the time. I happened to fall into another relationship with a man who was a BDSM player. He did some things with me, to me, mild in context of what I do now, but at the time became a revelation to me of how extreme my inner submissiveness actually is. Soon, I was reading a lot about submissiveness and BDSM lifestyle and began to discover that I was not only submissive, but I was an extreme submissive.

4. To you, what’s the difference between being a submissive and being a slave?

I think there are incremental degrees of submissiveness (and on the other side, dominance) in probably all people. For most it is slight and inconsequential. For some, like me, it is extreme, to such a degree that it is literally the nature of my sexuality, personality, and life. I cannot experience pleasure apart from submission to dominance. (That might be a bit of an overstatement, but not much.) But being a submissive is nothing more, or less, than that. It is what one is, what I am, by nature. But it’s not something I necessarily do or act upon. One can be submissive and lead a normal, say, non-D/s life.

Being a slave is a life choice the submissive makes. It is what I submissive might choose to do with her life. As I have. And slavery is, of course the extreme path for submission. There are other lifestyles for that — part-time, scene play, etc. Slavery is the life of living in extreme submission 24/7.

Now, I think everyone in this corner of the world has different definitions of submission and BDSM and D/s and slavery and kink — and that’s OK. I don’t assume my definitions are only valid way to understand things. But that’s my two cents.

5. What are your measurements?

Oh, my. I don’t even know. When I once actually wore bras, I was in a 36-DDD bra. But, as any woman can tell you, bra sizes mean nothing. My waist is around 28/29 inches, and my hips are like 38/39. I’m usually a dress size 10, depending on sizing. I don’t go by actual measurements. I just know how certain brands fit me.

6. Do you have sex with women? Are you heterosexual? Bisexual? Pansexual? Something else?

Yes, I have sex with women. I love women. Again, I consider my submissiveness to be my sexual orientation, so I respond sexually to both men and women in the context of dominance. That said, even before I entered into slavery, or even much of a submissive life, I liked girls. So I think it’s OK if you think of me as bisexual.

7. Your slavery seems to be kind of a full-time thing, but do you have other interests, hobbies, pleasures?

Yes, slavery is full-time, though not so much in pure time measurements but in the sense of availability. I have time to do things, go shopping, socialize with friends. But I have to be able to drop everything for Master’s wishes and needs. Hard for me to make plans far enough ahead.

But, yes, I have a lot of interests. My main interest is writing. I like painting, although I’m not very good. I love to read. I’m actually a big fan of old Hollywood movies of the 30s, 40s 50s.

8. Do you have family, and what do they think of your slavery? Do they know? Does your master allow you to see them?

My father died too young when I was 22 and just out of college. My mom and I are close. I have a much older brother whom I hardly knew before he left home.

Master Michael allows me as much time as I need with my mom. She lives halfway across the country, but he allows me to visit there several times a year, at least. I don’t see my brother much more than every few years.

Both my mom and brother know about my slavery, although they don’t know the degree or intensity of it. My mom has met Master Michael, and of course he charmed the stockings off her. She actually said to him, “You should spank her good and hard because I never spanked Shae nearly enough growing up.” I didn’t think Master needed any encouragement, but he sure got a good laugh out of it.