update and mom

I’ve been away from blog-writing for a while due to a sudden health issue that faced my mother in Pennsylvania. With Amanda’s blessing, I went to visit Mom for much of this past week. For a day and a night, it looked to be cancer, but after a number of hospital tests, it turned out to be just a scare not a reality, thank God. Mom has another condition she needs to attend to, but it’s not cancer and not dire, very treatable with medication. We are relieved.

Despite all the freakish drama of this, it was good for me to have time again with Mom. It was almost a year ago that I came out to her about my relationship with Amanda and also my lifestyle in D/s. I blog-posted this and won’t go through that again now, but suffice it to say she surprised me with her openness and acceptance.

This time, after the worry part, we had time to talk normal, and eventually mom got around to asking a few questions about my lifestyle. She is ever curious. She was asking this time about “how I got this way.”

This kind of question has come up recently from other people too: In an email trail with Jeremy, my former university colleague who recently found my blog. And from our progressive-minded neighbors, John and Patricia, with whom I sat topless during my public weekend as they served tea and scones in their living room. There are variations: “How did you come to want this life?” and “What do you think has made you submissive?” No one is asking judgmentally, but out of curiosity, so it feels friendly to me, and much of it goes to the nature or nurture debate that swirls around so many things.

Coming from mother, the question of “how I got this way” is not artfully posed but also not accusing or shaming in how she asks it. I know, as it comes out the question is more about her — did she make me this way? Is that a problem or is it OK?

We talked, and I assured her. “I don’t want to be anything other than what I am, Mom.”

Mother is funny in that, for a Baptist woman, she is surprisingly open to alternative preferences and practices, such as her daughter lives them, and yet she is quite naive about what this all is. Her sense of me is that I’m “sometimes” a lesbian. Her notion of bisexuality, so I learned, is really heterosexuality that’s just a bit wavering and undecided. In her view, I’m sometimes a lesbian and lesbians tend to get into that “BDSM stuff.” Sigh.

We talk, and I make efforts to clarify these things, to say that my bisexuality is deeply committed not wavering, and that I am both fully attracted to women and fully attracted to men. But I’m pretty sure she doesn’t quite get this.

That’s OK. I am blessed that Mom is open and accepting and that we can talk about such things.

And that, for now, she is physically OK.

One more thing:

For mother, the foundational thing about people is their sexual orientation. Thankfully and surprisingly, she’s gotten to a place where she’s not judgmental about that, but sexual orientation is still, for her, the primary thing about a person. It matters to her, like it’s some sort of compass that gives her bearings about folks.

As I was talking with her, I realized that for me sexual orientation is one of the least important things about people. It is what it is. One hopes it is about attraction and smiles and love and erotic play and sexual pleasure and joy in being together — whatever the gender or orientation. One’s type of sexuality just doesn’t matter much.

Mother and I are so different.

Her question about how I got this way is then more about how I am a “sometimes lesbian” than about how I am a submissive. I’d hoped to be able to explain to her better what submissiveness was and wasn’t, how two women could live as domme and submissive, relationally without chains and shackles and “BDSM stuff.” You know, that “BDSM is not D/s discussion.” But we never quite got to that point in our conversations.

When I got home, Amanda tied me naked to the wet bar for the evening, with chains and shackles and all that “BDSM stuff.”

So what do I know?

Kevin time

I have been at Kevin’s this weekend. This will be a shorter stay, due to Kevin’s own work circumstances, so I’ll be going back to Amanda tomorrow afternoon.

This time life with him hasn’t been so urgent. My first week with him in this new role as escort companion was busy, so to speak. It was as if he had to get his money’s worth for the time I was there. He got his fill of me by filling me with himself. Literally. But it was social too — we had several outings with friends of his, which perhaps was about him showing me off, which is nice but tiring.

None of that is a criticism, just a true observation. In fact, on my first night with him that first week, he took me out on a date, and he was charming and lovely. He wanted to reset “us” in this new reality, and he did. But it was quite a week.

This time is more relaxed and less driven. I think Kevin is realizing he’s not paying for me by the hour and that he will have ample access to me through the year ahead. He’s got plenty of time to have me as he wishes. Maybe I have helped relax him about me as I have settled into his arms in a new way. Truth be told, I like him.

I find that travel brings out in me a measure of life reflection. This is true for me especially on plane trips, as if the literal act of rising above the clouds prompts a view of one’s life from a higher perspective. But it also happens when I have a long drive in a car.

Thursday afternoon behind the wheel coming here, my thoughts and inner dialogue (sometimes said aloud in the car) navigated my sexual tale of two cities.

After an hour, I spoke a self-affirmation: I am a woman who is highly sexual and I don’t need to apologize for it.

After another hour, I acknowledged, out loud to my empty car, that my life has resolved itself into two sexual lifestyles — slavery and escorting. I proceeded to explain to myself why that is, why I have landed here, why it is OK.

Which precisely is apologizing for it.

My coming out to my mother in the fall seemed to quiet my need to apologize for my submissive life in slavery. If she could accept me in that, then I didn’t feel I need to explain my sub life to anyone. Of course, a lot of that had to do with Amanda’s mom-wooing skills, but even so, my mother’s acceptance changed my apologetic.

Around the same time, of course, I became an escort to Kevin. Which is another thing entirely. So here we go again.

This is a new inner argument.

I tell myself I’m not an escort really. I just play one on TV. The TV of Kevin’s mind.

I remind myself I am not doing this for money. I am doing this out of my obedience to another as her slave. In my former Baptist morality, this would have been an interesting discussion question in Sunday school: Which is worse? To have sex with a man for money or to have sex with a man because you’re obedient to your lesbian lover?

In my current “Shae” morality, sex is good, important, and why it happens might not matter. Yet, some part of me feels wrong about the money part of this, even though I don’t get money from it. Again, I personally am not paid, but I am paid for in some arrangement between Kevin and Amanda. Still, I feel like I’m paid for this, for sex with Kevin, and that I am nothing other than, in fact, an escort.

The other night Kevin took me to a bar to meet two of his friends from a previous era — Jason and Owen. I had not met them before, as Jason just moved here and Owen has returned home from military service. As Kevin introduced them to me, I was called Kevin’s “companion.” It was obvious what they took that to mean. They were polite and we had pleasant conversation, but I was categorized by them. They learned I live in Denver and come to visit Kevin about once a month. When we were leaving, as Kevin was getting my coat, Owen slipped me his business card and said to call him, that he wanted to “use my services.”

I wanted to have the conversation with Owen that “oh no, you misunderstand… I’m not actually in the business, and in fact I am not paid directly… see, the payment is arranged through another person… not really cash, you see… it’s a different thing… let me explain further…” Once you play that out in your head, you realize it sounds pretty lame and there’s no way of changing minds. At the end of the evening, the see you taking Kevin’s arm, and everyone knows he’ll bed you later, and so you, in any practical definition, are his escort.

I think it best that I learn to accept myself this way, rather than try to develop a clever apologetic for it..

Many escorts, of course, charge by the hour or by the specific sexual service. I don’t know how a woman does that. They have to, I guess, driven by financial need. But I know also there are escorts who charge by the event or the evening, or even for a weekend or week or month, not measuring hourly time or offering a sexual menu, but providing themselves for a while to a man, an experience, whatever that turns out to be. For them, I wonder how many are regular clients, men who are repeat business.

Maybe that’s me and I have just one client.

The conflict, though, is in my mind and my sense of who I am. It isn’t with Kevin. Whatever the circumstances, he has been good with me, and I respond to him, and not really just because I have to.

Tonight he will want me and reach for my hand. He will draw me into him, and my hands will slide along his chest to his shoulders. And he will kiss me, a real kiss, full, soft. And then he will take me.

He is a man of significant sexual need.

I am a woman who is highly sexual and I don’t need to apologize for it.

q and a: sex with me, p2, lesbian edition

Lots, lots of questions about my attraction to and relationship with Amanda and other women. Note that to some who asked questions, I have written separately to answer more personally.

You say your “sexual orientation is submissive,” if I understand you right. Does that mean you are attracted only to women who dominate you?

Yes to the first part: you understand me right. As I’ve written before, I believe my sexuality is driven by my submissive nature. As a result, I respond sexually to whatever, whomever is dominant.

But that doesn’t mean I’m attracted just to dominant women — it’s not that simple. I like other women as well.

I think for some there are social, cultural, maybe religious, resistances to same-sex attractions. That was me once. Once those were overcome — which happened through my own submissiveness and the life that put me in — intimacy with other women became possible and desirable. And maybe preferable.

Do you have crushes on other women? Are you attracted to women in the public arena — like movie stars, TV personalities, musicians?

Yes and yes. For obvious reasons, I won’t name names of anyone at Amanda’s workplace, or anyone I know likely reading my blog. But there are two, who will remain nameless, I have a bit of a crush on, I have to say.

In entertainment, I am over the moon for Christina Hendricks, currently of Good Girls on Netflix and formerly of Mad Men. I know this is because she reminds me so of Amanda, and also because she feels so strong (dominant?) to me. Another crush of mine is the actress Emma Stone.

I tend to be drawn to older women, older than me, again perhaps because of an impression of age dominance, or something — Catherine Zeta-Jones and Julianne Moore, for example.

And then Hollywood actresses of the forties and fifties, which readers know is an interest of mine. My heroine, Rita Hayworth. And Grace Kelly, oh my god.

You have been sexually shared with a friend and colleague of your Master. Do you think you might ever be sexually shared by Amanda with another woman?

Yes. Mistress Amanda has talked about it. I think it’s likely. I don’t know if it will be just me and another woman, or if it will include Amanda. Because of other things going on, I don’t think it will happen soon. But I don’t know.

I know the intent behind your question. You know I can’t make something happen on my own, and can’t choose someone myself, much as I might like to. It will be Amanda who decides whenever this happens and who it is with.

Your relationship with your Mistress often seems romantic. Do you feel that with your Master as well? Or do you think you can only feel a romantic attraction to other women?

Wow. That’s an insightful question! A lot to unpack there.

My relationship with Mistress Amanda not only seems romantic, it is romantic. We dance around that, and I am coy with that in my writing, I know, but we both are well aware and acknowledge that to each other. Our relationship, however, is many other things as well, and it is important for me to engage with all the dimensions of who Amanda and I are, not just one. She wants all of it from me, not just one part.

My relationship with Master K is not romantic in that sense, and I say that knowing he would not want me to think or say that it is. That is not to say, at least in a D/s sense, that his relationship with me is lacking or less. He dominates me profoundly, and there is a lot of submissive girl in me that swoons in that. He is wonderful in his pounding power.

But the last question — if I feel “romantic” only with women — is prescient, as the answer of it might be yet to be determined. I don’t know. I think my “lesbian life” is evolving and much is yet to be discovered.

My previous slavery was under Master Michael, and I think it was obvious that I had romantic attractions to him. So I don’t think that, for me, romantic attraction is either/or as pertains to gender. Yet, I admit, I feel I am more inclined toward women in a romantic way.

That is, if I can imagine a life in which I actually dated someone, it is with another woman. If I imagine a Valentine’s Day, it is gift-wrapping chocolates for a woman, who has become the love of my life. If I imagine a wedding, I am the bride to a woman who is my Mistress.

These are thoughts, feelings, dreams, fantasies. More than I should share, probably.

q&a & sex & shae

Responding to questions asked of me about my sexuality and sex…

You said your submissiveness is your sexual orientation, like do you mean your straight or gay depending on the submissive situation? Does that mean your bisexual? Can you say anything more about that? And did you have any lesbian relationships or attractions before you were a slave? Trying to understand.

Well, thank you for trying to understand me. That’s actually a high compliment in itself. Appreciated.

Yes, I believe my submissive nature = my sexual nature. The primary way I respond sexually is through submissive connections to dominance. And that is sometimes at the hand of a man or other times the hand of a woman. I respond to each equally and enjoy each equally, but always through my submissive nature.

I think it’s probably easiest for others to understand me if I simply say I’m bisexual.
And that’s fine. But I don’t consider it technically accurate. I am “sub-sexual,” if you will, and gender isn’t a preference for me. So it’s not quite the same as being bisexual. But often it’s easier for me just to cop to that label. I’m fine with being considered bisexual.

As for other experiences with women before I became a slave, there were two. I did have a girl crush in high school. It lasted a summer, and she was a close girlfriend, older, who became for a time the love of my life. We never had sex per se, but we kissed and sort of made out a few times. I think that sort of thing is common for girls of a certain age. In my mid-twenties I had a relationship with an older woman in another real estate agency. It was for me experimental, it didn’t last long, and we kept it quiet. But we did have, and enjoyed, sex together.

Both of those were before I was in slavery, which is what you asked about. But the thing is, even back in high school I was submissive, though didn’t know it yet, not really. That was with a girl who was older than me who in a kind of way controlled me. I let her. I liked it. The later relationship was when I was just beginning to understand my submissive nature. And it was again with a woman who was older, and dominant in a way. I’m sure I was attracted to them for that.

Do you know any trans persons? How do you feel about trans persons?

Yes. One of my good friends is a trans woman in the Springs. We have kept in touch since I moved, but I’m hoping I’ll have a chance to go back and visit her this summer. I have also met some of her friends, and one of them is also trans.

I feel she and I have something in common, that we were made a certain way that is at odds with the society around us. We are each making (or finding) a life that works for us. I also think sub and trans people like us tend to wrestle with emotional swings and depression. She and I always have a lot to talk about.

But then too, I think the trans journey is much harder than my own. It’s not only about being understood in the culture, but a literal metamorphosis of one’s body and sex. I have great respect for that.

Do you masturbate? How often?

No I don’t. I’m not permitted to masturbate. My satisfaction must come from my dominants or others they share me with.

It is actually a powerful thing to be forbidden to touch your own body sexually. It is a literal submission of your body and sexuality to another. It binds me to them, primarily to Mistress, as she is the one who manages me at that level. And in itself, it’s a very intimate experience. She feels that too with me.

But even prohibited from satisfying myself, my life and body are filled sexually so much of the time, I don’t feel I need it very often.

Sometimes I’m forced to masturbate. And that might include orgasm control — a prohibition from climaxing. Those are experiences I will write about separately sometime. I think they are different from simple masturbation, as they are done in front of others. It’s a different experience.

I have to say though, that I am sometimes nostalgic for the simple, private experience of having sex with myself.

Do you use toys?

Again, I don’t, as I’m not permitted to use them on myself.

It’s funny to me that there are, to my knowledge, precious few sex toys in the house here. Mistress has a couple of toys she uses on me on occasion. Master has the bondage room, which is its own kind of massive sex toy. But there’s not a lot of smaller sex paraphernalia used here.

Master and Mistress are more about direct contact with me. As I’ve written before, Master is really about pure, immediate physical sex with me, while Mistress is more about sensual sex with me. Toys seem to be peripheral, at best.

Is there a form of sex (oral, anal, intercourse, etc.) you prefer?

For me, even when the sex is submissive, it is still relational. It is always personal to me. Even when it is bondage sex or on-demand sex, my instinct is to personally engage with him or her, and while it is as a slave, engage nonetheless. Even when I am treated as an object, there is still a person and personality who does me, understanding me and my body in a certain way.

I somehow realized early on that this life would kill me if I just numbly submitted to sex. It’s important for my own well-being to be present and personal in the sex.

With Master and Mistress, it has become deeply intimate and personal. As I’ve said, the nature of submitting your body to being used in dominant ways is perhaps more deeply intimate than many other kinds of relationships.

All to say my sexual preferences are not really about the various forms of sex done to me, but very much entwined with those relational feelings and specific experiences.

No, I don’t have a preference. But I don’t want to dodge a fair question. So I will talk a bit about fellatio, vaginal intercourse, anal sex, and then lesbian sex. But maybe I can approach this in a different way.

Fellatio, intercourse, and anal sex are my experiences with men. I feel them all as invasive, which I don’t mean in a bad way, just that they are about a man literally being inside my body. All three, literally, fill me with a man’s essence, his body inside me, and his semen. And they each leave a physical remnant, a kind of body memory, that persists for a time. I don’t know if other women sense this, but several days after a man has fucked me, when I see him again, say, in a social situation, I can feel his presence of when he did me.

I feel sex with women in a very different way. While, with a man, I am physically “inhabited,” with a woman I am emotionally and psychologically “inhabited.” It often is about touch and skin and sensation, emotional desires that translate into sexual feelings and then caresses and fondles and kisses. Yes, it can be forceful too, but even then it’s the playing out of an inner psychological relationship.

Mistress Amanda sometimes comes home and casually says, “I’ve been fucking you all day.”

I sometimes reply, “Did I enjoy it?”

She answers jokingly, “You passed out. The pleasure was so intense.”

And we go on like this. Amanda isn’t saying she had dreamy fantasies about me all day, but that emotionally she’s been entwined with me all day, and that has become a sensual experience for her. She has felt me in her day and her work.

I’ve had the parallel experience when Amanda chains my wrists. I am reminded of her all day every time my hand wants to do something off to the side and it pulls the other hand. A physical sensation that puts me in mind of Amanda and her touch, her sensuality.

How do you define your relationship with Amanda?

Thank you for the question, and I know people are curious. But I don’t try to define it. I know I tried to before, but I don’t anymore. I will describe my experiences with her as it comes naturally for me to write in my blog. I just don’t want to reduce it to a definition in words.