When you first start with him, you will be eager to sink into his dominance, immersing yourself in the slavery he keeps you in. And he will indulge himself with you, playing with his new toy. Even for an experienced dominant it is still a dream to have a woman to do anything he wants, and he will exercise the possibilities, ordering you to do whatever and all for him, from fetching his slippers to licking his cock at lunchtime.
You will love this, all of it.
Even if yours is not a romantic relationship, per se, this is a period of early D/s infatuation. You are both in love with the idea of a slave — his owning one and your being one. I encourage you to savor these moments — these times may be the fulfillment of your submissive desires pent up for so long.
But, yes, this is a cautionary tale.
There will come a time when you will do something that irks him. Maybe you go so far as to flex some urge for independence. You may feel like testing your boundaries. Perhaps you actually disobey him.
In any case, at some point you will experience tension and conflict and a rift in your slavery to him. You will wish to go one way and he will wish to go another.
This is a moment in which he will seek to break you.
How he breaks you might take many different forms. If you have clearly disobeyed, it will be a punishment — whatever punishment he has determined works on you. Even if not a deliberate disobedience, he may put you through a correction of physical distress, such as making you live 24/7 for a full week in a spreader bar and nipple clamps (which comes to mind because I’ve been there, done that).
You will endure his physical discipline, but likely he will find a way of also breaking you emotionally. He may deprive you of something — though not so trivial as ice cream — more like a banishment of touch, or of sex, or worst of all, of himself.
That you probably won’t be able to endure for long.
None of this is “BDSM play” or “D/s fun.” It is emotionally fraught, as you are well aware your dreamy dom-sub relationship is on the brink. You will be deeply aware you have displeased him, even violated him as a dominant. Your submissive being, once faced with it, won’t be able to bear it. You will be at the end of yourself.
Whatever methods he uses, he will force you to a breaking point. He will bring you to tears, slovenly begging him for mercy. It will be an experience that will strip you of any dignity you may have once held on to.
He may give you a choice: to continue with him and submit more fully to his rule, or to leave slavery and do life differently. Of course, as a deep and true submissive, you will likely beg him for restoration.
And likely, he will accept you again, but in all of it, he will have broken you.
The good news is that now you will cycle back into another cozy era of infatuated slavery.
The bad news is that this will happen again: You will come to another point of tension, and he will have to break you again.
It is a cycle within the D/s life. And it’s inevitable.
You see, this is not only a relational cycle you go through with your master, but it is an “identity” cycle within yourself.
Even though you’re a deep submissive, longing for a life of being thoroughly dominated, you’re also a human being with an innate desire for self-direction.
So while it thrills you that you were born submissive and this is your life, yet you sometimes want to be something else. Your human desire for autonomy oozes out. Being human, it’s natural for you to seek little freedoms in your life.
It is likewise natural and proper for your master to correct you and bring you back under his rule.
So the cycle continues.
Here’s the thing I want you to know: each time he breaks you, you become a deeper submissive than you were before. You become more of a slave than you were before. You become more dependent on him than you were before.
As the cycle repeats, eventually you’ll come to a point where you will forget how to live on your own. You will one day be unable to imagine living a life apart from utter submission to him.
And that is a beautiful thing.
5 thoughts on “notes to a younger me 12: breaking you”
Thank you, shae. Well thought words – as usual. What struck me: you were forced to live a week in a spreader bar and with nipple clamps? How did that work? Did you write somewhere about that experience? I have to confess that I admire your strength.
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Thanks for the question. The answer is yes I lived through that. And no, I have not written about it. I confess the way I wrote about it here is a bit of overstatement (for brevity). For a week I lived in spreader bars, plural, of different sizes for ankles or wrists, and there were times when he took them off for a short while. The nipple clamps were not tight or fiercely painful on my nipples, but they ached over time. Again, they were taken off for short periods of time, but Master Michael put on again. It was a full week of correction this way… I did not mean to mislead in this post, so I may amend it… thanks again, for your comment…
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Thank you. I don’t feel mislead. It sounds harsh – but I have to confess I envy you also for someone who corrects you in such a strict way.
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I wish I’d read this many decades ago. It certainly took less time to read it than it did for me to figure it out on my own. That is not to say I have it all figured out, now. But, alas, you had yet to be born, sweet slavegirl. And, there was no internet on which to write about it.
At first, I wanted to know why she was willing to do all these things. It didn’t take long to realize that the answer was, “because she loves it and needs it.” However, it took a very long time for me to believe it. Long enough that “she” wasn’t the same slavegirl. There is a universe of difference between knowing something intellectually and knowing it emotionally. Until one has achieved the latter, one never really knows how one feels about it, do one? =0).
Think I’ll ever grow tired of saying,
Thank you, Shae
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