what I miss

Living as a slave full-time is, for a deep submissive like me, is a most satisfying life, a blessing to be in. In what I’m about to say, I don’t want to appear as being ungrateful or complaining. Yet, my full-time life in slavery has its sacrifices. It makes me miss some things about vanilla life.

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There’s an innocence about vanilla life that I miss sometimes. Not that vanilla people aren’t active in adult things and aren’t sexual, but their sexuality is kept more private and their relationships are based on other attractions first. They can experience the simplicity of the expression, “I like you,” uncomplicated by alternative lifestyle or darker impulses.

I like to think sometimes about going on a casual date with someone, a time apart from my lifestyle, from my submissiveness, from my sexuality — just sitting down over coffee and talking about books and art and faith and life.

I sometimes long for that, but that’s not possible for me anymore. I am stereotyped by my lifestyle and submissive status to be seen and known in a certain way. Any person who would take me out on a date would know what I am and do. Seeing me for the first time, he or she could not look at me with the innocence of first impressions, but would take me in through a lens of my submissive sexuality. He or she would likely have expectations of me according to my lifestyle. I doubt we could ever get to the quaint point of saying, “I like you.”

Again, I don’t mean to whine and grouse. It’s not that I don’t love my life, and I certainly am blessed in so many ways by those who own me and the situations I’ve been placed in. I’m a lucky girl. But sometimes I miss the nostalgic possibility of a simple date. I miss the innocent life “out there” in which I can be other things.

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I also miss the professional world. I used to be in real estate, in my twenties, before my D/s life. I really never much liked the work itself, but I did enjoy going to conferences and workshops and conventions, in which I could interact with other business people, engage in shop talk, and form business connections. I realize those relationships are fleeting and utilitarian, but I miss the buzz of professional talk and chatter.

It’s helpful to me that I am owned by two executives, each of whom is deeply involved in professional worlds. I enjoy meeting Master M’s board members and Mistress A’s clients, and I like being around the business doings of each of them. Of course, the difference is that I am presented to these business people as what I am, a submissive in service, a slave, even a sex slave. From that point on, I have no particular standing with anyone on a professional level. The look at me differently. There is no business chatter, just sexual innuendo.

Submissively, I do not object to that innuendo or resist being sexually objectified in people’s first acquaintance. This is what I am and is the life I’ve chosen. In some ways that’s submissively fulfilling. Yet, I miss the corporate dialogue, the business conversation that includes me as a participant at a professional level.

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So, there is something else. It’s something I’ve never had, so I can’t say I “miss” it, but it’s a circumstance I wish I could experience.

I’m in touch with some of you who are submissive in occasional, periodic D/s relationships. There is a dominant “on the side” of your primary relationship. I hear about your periodic BDSM experiences in person or sometimes online, how you take time away from your vanilla life to enter into submission to this other man on a “date,” of sorts. When it’s over, you must leave and re-enter your vanilla life, all while bearing the delicious secret you have.

The part of that I wish I had is having a public role of respect in public life, while from time to time being reduced into submissive humiliation in a private session. There’s something about walking in and out of both experiences, the transition from dignity to degradation and back, that appeals to me. It’s the idea of being a woman of substance and authority in front of others in a professional setting, while in another moment being a submissive privately reduced by a dominant to a puddle of tears.

That happens to be a common theme in my fiction writing, and so I think it’s a lurking fantasy of mine. But again, without complaining about my blessed situation, that scenario isn’t possible for me. It’s an experience I wish for.

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The 24/7 D/s lifestyle, in which one lives in submission around the clock, bears a cost. It’s not only the cost of commission — what I commit myself to endure and service in my life as a slave. It’s also the cost of omission — the things I sacrificed when I entered the full-time D/s life.

I don’t regret the choice I made to become a slave in a D/s life full-time — I knew what I was giving up — but those are some of the things I very much miss.